Tag: suicide attempt

Suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

It’s finally a nice day, at least seventy degrees out. It is making it warm in the house. I am watching the Sox game. I had spent the afternoon with my sisters for Mother’s day and then retreated back upstairs. I am still feeling really tired, even though I had a good sleep last night.

I had a rough night. I was in severe pain. It was not unbearable but it was more annoying me than anything because it was the third night in the row that I have had to deal with this pain. I texted my therapist because I was feeling really suicidal about it. I just didn’t want to deal with the pain at all but what choice did I have? I couldn’t chop my foot off as much as I would have liked or downed my pain medication like I was thinking about. I guess I am lucky that my pain medication has Tylenol in it because if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t care. But I don’t want to lose my liver and die that way. Plus I probably would never be on any pain medication ever again if I did OD on my meds. That is something that I take more serious and I don’t want to lose that ability.

Dealing with my menses have just made dealing with pain that much more intolerable. I just am very grumpy and the slightest thing annoys me. I just can’t seem to tolerate things I used to tolerate, my annoying pain included.

Little things such as my pain can set off suicidal thinking. It is extremely hard to pull back when you are annoyed. I am trying to better identify this and to seek help so that I won’t make an attempt on my life again. In the ideal world, most therapists would like clients to call someone when they are on the brink. But rarely does this happen because of hopelessness. You just think that no one would understand what you are going through. I once texted a crisis line that I was thinking of overdosing on my medication. Instead of dealing with the idea of overdosing, they decided that I should talk to a nurse to see if it was safe to take another dose. HUH??? I have all but given up on calling for help when I need it.

Abyss of Darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Took yesterday off from blogging because I didn’t know what to write. Things have been so difficult lately that writing this blog has been rough. What has been my outlet is now a fullstop. I don’t even know if that last sentence makes sense. I just am very depressed.

It’s hard being depressed and not being able to express it like I have in the past. It’s killing me skipping days but my doc doesn’t want to put added pressure on me with this blog. I can’t even write in my journal. But I know that if I stop writing, things will get worse. I am always on the verge of suicide and not writing might just push me. So even though my pdoc wants me to cut down on my blogs, I just can’t. I might not write everyday like I used to, so don’t be shocked that the blogs are not consecutive like they once were. I know I have daily readers so I apologize but I got to take care of me in some way. If I feel like writing, I will and if I don’t, I just won’t. Hopefully there won’t be too many won’ts.

I visited my therapist today. There was no traffic, at all, so I got there two hours early. I shopped at the Whole Food Market but didn’t buy anything. What I wanted, they didn’t have. Or what they did have was too expensive. I really wanted carobs as I haven’t had them in years but all they had were carob chips and that wasn’t what I was looking for. I was really bummed. I then went to Starbucks and tried to write. Nothing worthwhile came to me.

My therapist finally got her signed copy of my book. She is overjoyed. We talked about the book some as I told her I was thinking of pulling the plug. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but then I explained that I was taking it off the market, and she freaked out. Well, not really, but she gave me the let’s talk about this glare. And I so didn’t want to talk about it. She still thinks that there is some merit in my book, just like this blog helps people. But I told her I just feel like I exposed myself too much and this is getting dicey. I still feel nervous while talking about the book, in detail, even while I was with her. The session just felt like it was going on forever. I know the book needs to go into the hands of suicide people and I don’t mean those that have attempted. Maybe clinicians. But I am not rich and can’t be shipping my book to all the psychologists in my area or around the US. It might just end up in the recycle bin. I am sending it to the AAS for review so I am hoping I get a good review and maybe it will sell a little better. If not, at least I have the AAS backing on my book which will mean more than anything. I am looking for validation and it’s killing me that I am not getting it. I guess that is why I am so depressed. My needs are frustrated. I still need to send my book to the consultant. But I am out of mailers. I will have to go to the post office tomorrow and do that.

We also talked about why I don’t want to “talk” in therapy. I told her I felt like I am wasting her time. I still feel like she could make better use of her time if she saw someone else. I guess I feel like I don’t deserve to be in treatment. It’s the same thing with my pdoc. I don’t know why she makes time for me. It’s not like things are going to change in a week and I am going to magically feel better. I am hopeless. I don’t think things are going to change. I am stuck in the abyss of darkness. Sure, things have gone a little better this week. I did get some validation on my book. And I know the word needs to be out there but am I the person to do it?

My therapist still thinks that it is quite an accomplishment to write a book and publish it. But I just feel bad because, like my blogs, they don’t have any messages other than my life sucks. I don’t leave any hopefulness in here nor the book. Call me the harshest critic, but the book is depressing. But then, when can you call a suicide attempt a happy event? You don’t. And not too many people know the extent of just how suicidal I have been over the years. My one regret is that I didn’t put the website for the CES support group in the book on the reference page. It completely slipped my mind, until now. It would seem silly to redo the whole process just to put in a website. I don’t think I can bear it again. Three or four times was enough.

A review and a Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

This morning I woke up to two comments, one was on my blog and the second was about my book. The one about my book was from a fellow CESer (Cauda Equina Syndrome sufferer) who loved my book so far and had to tell me about it. I felt good that she took the time to write such a lengthy comment, but well worded. She said I was an inspiration and that she would be sharing my book with friends and relatives. She is British, so used the word brilliant a few times. I didn’t mind. It was the kindest review I have gotten in a while.

The second comment left me perplexed. Either the writer had no clue what my blog was about or was trying to talk ragtime. Either way, I deleted the comment because if I couldn’t make sense of it, neither could anyone else.

To my new followers, thank you for following me. My readership has exploded the last few days and I thank you for it. I hope you find this blog informative and relative to what you are experiencing, or at least helps you to understand what it means to be suicidal a little better.

I did not succeed in canceling my appointments with my therapist this week. I texted her my swollen ankle and some how that was reason to uncancel my cancellation. UGH. Won’t do that next time! Course, the reason why a swollen ankle would not cancel a psychotherapy session is beyond me. She still wants a signed copy of my book. She desperately wants me to come out there. I am still trying to figure it out but I haven’t been feeling well all week. Today, my allergies have been making me sick with gagging episodes. I really hate post nasal drip and it doesn’t help that my area has trees that are in bloom, that I am allergic to. And it’s chilly. Temperature has gone back down to freezing. I can’t believe it’s almost May and we still have the heat on. There have only been one or two days that have been above 50 degrees in the past two weeks. My back and foot hate the cold. I used to not mind it but when it causes me pain, I have to pay attention to it. I also have been in a lot of pain the past few days. And of course, all I want to do is sleep because that is what my depression wants. I forced myself out today, gagging and all, to get my prescription and a mocha. I am praying the mocha stays in my stomach. I just figured maybe, if I got some coffee, I would feel better. I am a little bit more awake but I definitely feel like I need a nap.

My cousin invited me over for dinner tonight. He is also going to cut my hair. The barber didn’t do a good job so it’s longer in some places and shorter in others. I know I should go back but I think my cousin can fix it. Besides, it has been a few weeks since my last haircut. I usually like it buzzed on the sides and back and then short on top. My cousin will likely blend it in with scissors as his regular stuff is at his shop. I told him I was looking forward to dinner but really, all I want to do is sleep. Screw the haircut and dinner. I don’t care. But I told him I would go so it is too late now to cancel on him. He is making me cheeseburgers.

My therapist was annoying today. She will ask a question, say how am I doing and then when I ask to clarify, she replies with three questions. WTF. I hate that! It gets me all jumbled up. So I just answer one of them. We were also talking about how there is a suicidologist that seems to be making headway with his Interpersonal theory on suicide. His name is Tom Joiner. I read his book, Why People die by Suicide? And it was good. His theory is valid, as I have been there but the one element he is missing is psychological pain. I have noticed since Shneidman’s death, no one talks about psychological pain anymore. I find it sad, really sad. But even with knowing about the perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness, how do you go about “treating” suicidal patients? That is the one thing that I believe is lacking in his theory. There is no treatment for it, and that is where Jobes’s CAMS model and SSF (suicide status form) comes in. Using this is the best defense in preventing suicide. That is my belief. If I didn’t feel so strongly about it, I wouldn’t be writing about it. Because it helped to save my life and I know it has helped others. It is also a reason why I talk about it in my book.

stupidly depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Despite feeling like shit, I forced myself to go out with friends tonight. It was good but now I am very exhausted and not looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment with dear old dad. If I liked his doc, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I just don’t like him. He rushes through everything and doesn’t leave you time to ask questions about things.

I know the depression is getting worse. Today I was writing with the same pen I always use and it felt heavy. Like suddenly it gained twenty pounds and I couldn’t hold it in my hand. It was so hard to grasp. It almost made me cry but I was in a very public place so I sucked it up. I really NEVER felt like that before. How can a pen suddenly feel heavy? Easy when you have a depression that makes you exhausted. I feel like emailing my psychiatrist but what is she going to do? I will page her tomorrow, or try to. I think I need to be back on an anti-depressant. Maybe remeron or something. Just to get me over this hump that I am in. Maybe it will help decrease the constant suicidal press that I feel.

I emailed my writing friend for some spiritual help with my dad. I am not a praying person but she is so I asked her if she would say a prayer for him. I know he will never be 100% again but if his swelling goes down, I will be grateful. I know one prayer might not work but at least if I have some one that cares about him, maybe it will work. If that is how things go. It’s hard for me to pray because I never go to church anymore, unless it is a wedding or a funeral. And the last time I was there, for my aunt who passed, I was too overcome with emotion to really pray for anybody.

I don’t know how I seemed to have “slipped” into this depression. I could blame the Sox as they have sucked most of the season already but that is too easy. I just feel really down and I don’t care about a lot of stuff that I used to. I have a lot of things weighing on my mind, mostly financial things and how to afford my medication this month. I still have a month before I am on state care. But I haven’t even applied yet. I have been too lazy to think about it and it bothers me that I “forget” because this is so important.

I feel so bogged down in things. I don’t shower regularly. I don’t brush my teeth regularly. I don’t leave my room unless the house is on fire. I must stay in my room 20 hours a day, some for sleeping, most for doing stuff on the laptop or reading a book or writing. But none of that stuff interests me anymore. I have a new journal that I want to start writing in but I haven’t. I started a new book but I am getting frustrated with it because it keeps going back and forth with time. First it is in the 1840s then it’s 1860 and then back to the 40s. WTH. Move forward or don’t move at all. I know somewhere in there Abraham Lincoln becomes nominated for president, but they haven’t mentioned this at all and that is frustrating me! So I think I need to read another book. But what? I also need to write in my co-authored book but I have no mind for that while I am in this depression. I can barely keep up with my blogs. It is just that everything is overwhelming me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, what to do with myself anymore. I used to have a routine. I would have therapy and then I would shower and get dressed and then go to Starbucks for my coffee. Or I would just get dressed and head to Starbucks. Now I don’t even do that anymore. I shower just twice a week, if that. And that is, if I feel like it. Most times I don’t, so I procrastinate another damn day. Then I stink more.

And I don’t know what is going on with my bladder. I think I have an infection and I should get checked out but I just can’t be bothered. Every time I want to call the doc, it’s after 5. Or it’s the weekend. I wish they could just call in a prescription over the phone so I don’t have to be seen but of course you have to pee in a cup to see if you do have an infection. Maybe that is driving me a little whacky. And the fact that it has been three days already and I still have not called in my refill for my blood pressure pill. More pressure for me to call because I am almost out of my meds. But I forget. I get distracted too easily. I really was going to call today but I was too lazy to look up the phone number of the pharmacy on the bottle. Yes, I was on the computer and could have googled the number. Why didn’t I think of that before?? I am stupid. Stupidly depressed. This is what depression is like. All your worries you think of but you are too strangled to make the phone calls you need to make or go to the stupid UPS store and get forms filled out so you don’t have to worry about your student loans anymore. But no, you just walk by the store, “forgetting” until you are at home again. Gosh I am such an idiot. I really need to buy a printer. I am going to save up for one. I don’t know how, but that is what I am going to do, if I remember to do it…