Tag: writing

scary day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I am in a state of shock. Two police officers were shot early this morning by the Marathon bombers. One of the suspects is dead and the other is on the loose. They were brothers. I can’t watch the news anymore because I am afraid something dreadful is going to happen. The apartment they have found explosives in their apartment. I just hope that it is not booby trapped of any kind. There was also a shoot out this morning and I am hoping suspect number 2 is hurt. They found a large blood stain on a house in one of the cities in lock down. But still this person is at large and I don’t know if the police really know where the suspect is hiding or where he is. News reporters are not saying that, just that police are blocking off the streets for public safety.

I am kind of scared that this is happening. One if the cities is the next town over from me. I know exactly where the street is they are talking about because I have been on the main street where it is off of many times. It is not far from Cambridge city Hospital. I don’t know if that hospital is on alert. It should be.

Because I don’t have a car, I am stuck in my house. Not that I would be going anywhere anyways. The cities are in lockdown almost. I am hoping the guy doesn’t come into my city. But it looks like he still is on the outskirts of town, possibly. No one knows for sure.

Then a guy down the street started up his motorcycle and I thought it was gunfire! I have been a wreck ever since. I am so scared of a bomb going off near me and hearing it would just kill me. I fear for those law enforcement officers who have come from neighboring towns and the state police and FBI agents that are going through every piece of evidence they are getting from the suspects house. I just hope that there are no booby traps and everyone comes out safely. There are already two officers hurt, one killed by the fuckers. Least one suspect is dead. No we just got to get the younger one.

melancholy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide

Today I didn’t do too much but I did a lot. As I was walking home my ankle decided it had enough and I was limping on the way home. The last block and a half was really long!

I still am in a melancholy of spirits. I just can’t believe my city was under attack and then a Federal courthouse today had to be evacuated because of a bomb threat. And the President of the US is coming to tomorrow. I think that is a BIG mistake as we still have not capture the individual(s) responsible for the Marathon explosions. That is what they are calling it, explosions, not bombs. I guess explosions are less scary to think about but not really. It still is terrifying.

Ankle is still killing me and I am going to bed early, not going to watch the Sox game tonight. I don’t think it is on NESN anyways because the Bruins are playing. I don’t think I have NESN+. Shame too because last I heard, the Sox were winning 3-0. But then they don’t have a good match-up. The Indians stink. There were hardly any fans in the stadium last night. Pretty sad. I hope Fenway never gets that way.

I printed off my story that I am writing about my past suicide attempts and also my write up for my next blog post in the AAS. I am confident it will be a good paper. I just need to go over it somewhat to make sure I have the facts straight. It gives me something to do tomorrow that hopefully doesn’t have me going out. I am pretty tired today from my excursions yesterday and today. I only went out because my stupid printer wouldn’t recognize the color cartridge as being full. I have not used my printer for a couple of months now. Even though I just wanted to print black, it would not let me override the stupid color sensor thingy. I was so frustrated. I think paying for printing my stuff at UPS is cheaper than buying ink for this ridiculous printer that uses ink while not in use! Either that, or the ink got dried up because of the heat in the room. It is a small office I have and my mother keeps the door closed most of the time. I have to bring the printer to my room but I am too lazy. Maybe tomorrow I will do that, if my ankle isn’t hurting like it is now.

So I have printed off my writing to edit it. I have my red pen ready. But one thing I know while I edit my paper, I always want to add to it or take something away. I hate editing. I’m good with other people’s paper’s but not my own!

I woke up this morning and wondered what it would be like not to be anymore. I haven’t woken up like that in a long time. I guess the melancholy I am feeling is having suicidal effect on me, not to say that I wasn’t suicidal before. I just had a decrease in thoughts the past couple of weeks and thought I was getting better. Now I think I am heading back towards being a suicidal maniac who thinks of suicide all the time. I don’t know why I do other than I don’t want to feel pain, physical or mental anymore. I am tired of always being in a state of despair, of feeling nothing is going right for me. I just calculated my financial picture for the month and found that if I pay everything, I will have 7 dollars (USD) to my name to last me until my next check. I hate feeling like I am in destitution again. I really do. It’s like why bother getting paid when I don’t see my money. It just goes out the window to pay my bills and to help my mother keep up with the household bills, like gas and electricity, not to mention the mortgage. I just hate not being able to work. It is so frustrating. And yet, if I was working, I’d lose my LTD and have to work out something to pay back the $10K that I supposedly owe them. All these bills that I have make me want to kill myself. I can’t stand the thought of owing people money. I still owe like $5k to my therapist, who without her services I would definitely be dead by now. I seriously doubt that anyone can keep me alive that much longer. I just want to die. Why is that so hard to understand? I am a nobody. No one will miss me. They will just miss my money…

just feeling sad

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Been feeling a lot of emotions the past few days. I can’t help wondering if maybe some medication at this point will help as I am crying for the incoming support because I am happy and then cry when I hear about the poor mother whose daughter was misidentified and now has to mourn her daughter. I am crying for the eight year old who just wanted peace in the world and his mother and sister who are still critically injured. I am crying as I write this. I just can’t help it. Nothing like this has ever happened in my city before. I feel like it is 9-11 all over again. But the support from my Boys, The Boston Red Sox, has been tremendous. They will be going on the field tonight with black armbands. The Yankees, our hated rivals, will be holding a moment of silence and then playing our song Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 3rd tonight. I couldn’t believe they did that. But I guess in tragedy we all come together and it is such a powerful feeling.

Today I had to take the T, our public transportation system because I had a doctor’s appt. At every Boston T stop, there were National Guardsmen and T Police everywhere. It was good to have their presence there but I couldn’t help but feel a little freaked out when a State trooper and two police officers swept the trolley car I was on.

My appointment did and didn’t go so well. I wasn’t happy that after all the resting that I have been doing, I still have tendonitis in my ankle, probably nerve related. I also have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, which basically means I am fucked. My doc gave me some options but I think I am going to stay the course with oral meds. I am considering a lidocaine infusion but I want to read up on them before going through with it. I need the hard facts before I can invest something like that. I don’t want the infusion to numb me out and then when it wears off cause me mega pain. I don’t know how my PCP is going to take this. There is nothing more they can do. I am at my wits end on how to handle this. My first thoughts were to kill myself. I truly think that is going to be an option if I don’t have any pain relief. I just can’t imagine going on and on like this. I can’t work. I can’t walk. WTF am I going to do?

Boston Marathon Tragedy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was starting to be a great day. My beloved Sox won again to sweep the Rays but then I changed the channel a few minutes later to find my home town was bombed at the Boston Marathon finish line. I have been going through tough emotions since. How dare someone do this on a day like today? Today is Patriot’s day in Boston. A day where we normally have our marathon and wait until the last runner from Hopkinton 26.2 miles away crosses the finish line. But today it was chaos. And my heart is broken. An eight year old lost her life because of someone’s hatred. She was one of the two dead at the scene. There are now as I am typing this 57 injured.

The streets they are talking about I once walked down proudly in my youth. I used to go to college around the corner from Copley, the marathon’s finish line. Every year that T stop closes. And now with the upcoming days, it will remain closed because the area is now a crime scene. How I wish the crime scene investigators of NY and Vegas and the Criminal Minds of the FBI were here to solve who did it. I bet we would have answers faster than we have them now. But that is television, where you get your answers in an hour. It’s been nearly fours since this has happened and no one is closer to finding out who did this. Cell phone reception in the area is cut off for fear of another bomb going off. Nobody is in custody. I doubt there will be if this was a professional hit. They probably already took off as the airports didn’t shut down until two hours later. But I ramble. I’m rambling because if I talk about my great city, I will start crying again.