just got into it with my sister about me being on vicodin. she thinks that I should try another medication that isn’t addicting and that I won’t be addicted to. I have been so dizzy with this cold so I couldnt talk for a bit. I have dependence or some form of it but I can go a day or two with out meds because the pain is not bad. sometimes it CLAMMORS on me afterwards but I think since I have been taking Nyquil around the clock I don’t need the vicoden as much. but still I had a big fight with the pharmacy and I still didn’t get my “extra” like I wanted all because the doc wrote the damn thing wrong so I might run out of my meds AGAIN next month. That really sucks when you run out of meds. I am hoping the temp change doesn’t fuck me up. I got to fix my window as it is letting a nice draft in my room. Damn thing won’t close unless I lock the window.
I am so sick of being called an addict when I am not!! I know I am not because all my meds would run out and I would be HIGH which I am not. I’m not looking for a good time when I want pain relief. I am not saying I want them just to feel good. I want them to stop my pain because if I don’t have my pain relief then I will kill myself and I am sure my family doesn’t want to visit a grave stone!!
My sisters know I have been suicidal at times. I just think that they think I have never attempted. I have NEVER told a soul except treatment workers. I think most of that is because I am embarrassed I failed and didn’t want to admit it to myself. And how do you bring it up? Not like you can sit down to dinner and say yea by the way, I overdosed on my meds last night and that was why I went to the hospital. Would not go over well. I just don’t have that kind of supportive family. They rather just throw it under the table than talk about it. Best is to forget it and move on. If I could do that, I wouldn’t need therapy anymore. all my problems would be forgotten…
Being ashamed about failing a suicide attempt is worse than anything you can imagine. it really hurts to still be alive after you were so sure it would work. Then to have to deal with life afterwards make you wish you were dead 10 times greater.
midnightdemons7 
I can totally understand what you’re saying. I have an illness that has me bed bound for a year this week.
I have attempted five times this year because of the pain, dehydration, dismissive attitudes of doctors who in the early days said my symptoms were “no big deal” husband who said I was trying to get attention, and who has diminished and degraded me constantly. Hopelessness is my constant state of mind. I can’t even get pastoral care from my church (they are too busy for people who can’t get to them). It’s horrible. I am alone in my 10×10 room (cell) 24/7/365 now for the duration as my condition can only be “managed” sort of, and I’m an extreme case so nothing is working, docs don’t want to figure things out on a 50 year old. Yes this is horrible and I’m pretty much done with this. I’m ready to give in and give up. I feel like I’m just a pain in the a#% for the two people (husband, neighbor) who check on me occasionally. When you realize you won’t be missed that’s the worst. They are tired of this and have “compassion fatigue”. I’m worn out. Good luck to you all, I hope the world treats you better.
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Midnight, I stopped by your blog because you had stopped by mine and “Liked” it. I do appreciate you taking the time to stop and read my post.
I have a terminal disease, and I would be a liar if I said I have never had a suicidal thought. But having said that I don’t know how to relate to your thoughts. I am afraid I can’t wish you success in your efforts. But I hope you find a solution that isn’t as final as sucide. Hopefully you find the support you need, both mentally and physically to deal with your pain issues. Please take care, Bill
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Hola! I’ve been following your web site for a while now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Humble Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the fantastic work!
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I certainly understand what you are saying. I pray with all my heart my hubbie never does this ,but I would understand his lack of hope. We discuss it and he says he won’t,but I know people sometimes do it in the heat of the moment. I’ve had 2 neighbors who have done it. One was a young mother and the other a friend in chronic pain. It’s so heartbreaking for all involved. My cousin’s wife hung herself and her son found her.She had severe depression for many yrs. I don’t know what can be done for hopelessness since med. professionals can’t practice medicine without gov’t interference! Prayers for all in pain!
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What ISN’T discussed is the physical/emotional pain of the individual! We can’t talk about THAT! We can’t talk about or explain how we can’t get adequate medical care for PAIN! Folks think one just goes to the MD & the script is written/filled, the patient takes the meds & all is WELL! ALL is NOT WELL! MD’s/pharmacists are so afraid of having their licenses jerked by the feds meds aren’t prescribed in adequate amounts to CONTROL pain.The Feds are so consumed with drug addiction MD’s/pharm hands are legally tied. But try to explain that folks who have intractable PAIN are LESS likely to become addicted than someone who uses drugs ‘recreationally’.NOBODY believes THAT!
Try to explain the EMOTIONAL pain caused by CHRONIC pain is totally useless~how can physical pain CAUSE emotional PAIN! Christmas Eve I had to be carried, wheelchair & 200lb me, into a house. It took 4 husky fellows who had great difficulty!! THAT CAUSED TREMENDOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN! My family’s answer was well lose weight! Oh Goody, now I get to add physical hunger pain on top of the other physical pain which ADDS to the emotional pain!” And I’m supposed to ACCEPT it!
OK, we’ll just give you cymbalta, prozac or some other ’emotion stabilizing drug’! then more drugs to counter act side effects~
The subject of suicide is ‘in the closet’. We should be able to discuss it just as easily as the last box score. Talking about it doesn’t mean it won’t/will happen, it ACCEPTS the FACT that it DOES happen, that it DOES EXIST! Talking about it ACKNOWLEDGES that there are people in SEVERE DISTRESS for whatever reason. To NOT acknowledge such distress is to minimize/marginalize DISTRESS, period! To label people as ‘nutz’ is to deny that brains DO get fouled up, whether congenitally, from outside injury or injury caused by, in my case, trauma to other parts of the body. Trauma to the body DOES change brain chemistry & REPEATED physical trauma causes INCREASED brain chemistry change in some people!
Suicide is also ‘in the closet’ because if the truth were known, the majority of folks have contemplated it at one time or another, whether seriously or not, won’t admit it & feel SHAME because of the mere thought! it goes back to the ‘Law of God & Man!
‘Accepting’ one’s limitations/pain is NOT an option for many folks. But to LABEL someone who attempts suicide as NUTZ, stupid, weak, unchristian,failure etc. is to DENY their personhood, their opinions/actions as valid for that individual.
Personally, I don’t believe a loving God would EVER, FOREVER CONDEMN someone who takes her/his life. A soul in such torment has ALREADY been to hell and back a thousand times. But it’s for GOD to decide, my opinion is just that. But for the ‘public’ or the medical profession to be unable/unwilling to DISCUSS the subject is to be an ostrich with its’ head in the sand.
Personally, I believe in the future, MORE people in intractable pain WILL commit suicide as inadequate treatment of it will diminish; fewer & fewer MDs will risk Fed intervention; those in emotional pain/emotional problems, for whatever reason, will be sent for ‘re-education’, for lack of a better word, or simply ‘done away with’.
I believe many ‘accidental’ deaths, cleaning a gun & it went off, slid off the road & hit a tree, ‘over dosing’, alcohol, etc are in fact, suicides. Just because someone doesn’t ‘leave a note’ doesn’t rule out suicide; just because ‘he had every thing to live for’ doesn’t rule it out; just because he ‘didn’t show any signs’ doesn’t rule it out. An ‘accidental death’ is easier to explain & accept than suicide, for ‘those left’ because the public & families are ASHAMED. Take the SHAME out of the equation & all one is left with is a death.
I BELIEVE suicide SHOULD be a subject that is talked about rationally, compassionately, without rush to judgment, without religious/legal connotations. Talking about it won’t prevent OR cause it. It simply RECOGNIZES it as a FACT.
To ‘try’ & fail isn’t ‘FAILURE! It’s an opportunity to re assess one’s life/the value or lack there of, position, other options, possibilities. SHAME/STIGMA shouldn’t enter in to it. The SHAME/STIGMA belongs squarely on the shoulders of those who ASSIGN stigma/shame to suicide~the FAILURE to RECOGNIZE & ADMIT such PAIN exists in a person IS the stigma/shame of OTHERS, not of the person who is suffering!
I would never ENCOURAGE/DISCOURAGE/ABET suicide. I would simply LISTEN if some one decided to talk to me about it. Sometimes it helps clarify one’s outlook/opinion/decision, other times not. But the conversation should not be muddled with platitudes/psychobabble, if possible. Don’t tell me I’ll feel differently in the morning/things will get better/call your therapist/take a pill etc~Hells bells, I feel this way THOUSAND TIMES A DAY!
Again, the stigma/shame around suicide is ASSIGNED it by a ‘public’ unwilling to RECOGNIZE such pain EXISTS, FEAR it because they can’t understand the POSSIBILITY such pain is possible. FEAR because they don’t want to think it could/would ever happen to them! People can’t IMAGINE the sheer physical/mental EXHAUSTION that comes from PAIN!
From reading your posts/blog~family counseling would be in order. BUT they would RESIST it with every fiber of their beings! It might FORCE them to see if not admit they’re part of the problem! My family REFUSES to see they’re part of the problem. To them, I’m the ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS! it’s as though each member of the family exists in isolation & because I can’t do XYZ they have no obligation/reason to pick up the slack!
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