***WARNING MIGHT BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE***
Past few days have been rough. I have been humiliated by my nerve condition, in so much pain I couldn’t sit long enough to watch the Superbowl, and today I get hit with nerve pain in my ass that almost made me want to pass out again. All this has left me wanting to do something self-destructive.
I was talking with my therapist about this week’s events and a sudden urge to cut emerged without warning and staring at me from across my bed room was a new razor. I could almost feel the pain and feel the blood as it dripped down my arm. I need to cut so bad it feels like nothing will take its place until I do. I am starting to get obsessed with it. But I don’t have my supplies ready, though they could be in an instant if I tried. I don’t want to start something I can’t finish and cutting would do that for me. It would start out as something small and then I could go deeper and deeper until the bleeding went a little out of control. I would be happy for a little while and maybe for longer than that. I am trying to distract myself from it by writing but it’s only feeding the feelings of self-infliction that I want to do. I am guessing this is how a junkie feels needing their next fix. I want it so bad but the ramifications and consequences will not be good for me. I haven’t cut in almost ten years. So in some respects, you can say I have been “sober” all that length of time. And if I cut I will lose my “sobriety”. I don’t know what will happen. I might cut and be turned off like it happened the last time I cut or it might turn on the flood gates and I will become a “junkie” always looking for the next fix.
Why do I want to cut? Because I cannot tolerate the intensity of my psychache, the psychological pain, the despair, frustration, perturbation, worthlessness, and guilt that I am feeling. I have tried listening to music but I just cannot turn out the sound of my pain. It sucks hurting this much and no one knowing. I wish I could say why I feel like this but I don’t know why. I just do. I know part of the reason I want to cut is because of the fact I cannot kill myself. Cutting is a way for me to express my emotions without hurting anyone but me. And I am fine with that even if others are not. People do not want this to happen to me but I can’t stop the thoughts. They are weighing on me like a barge on my chest.
4 thoughts on “urges”
Thank you Ben for your kind words and encouragement. I hope that the urges stop soon and go away.
I came across a quote the other day, and I hope it can help. I know these are just words, but often I find that quotes really impact me.
It went something like: “we aren’t here for a reason, we are here for a purpose.” Perhaps its a little cliche, but I find the subtle difference between reason and purpose to be profound. Reason, to me, means something has an external explanation for happening or existing. Purpose, to me, means we give meaning to a happening or existence. We control it. So much of life is out of our control, but perhaps we can control the purpose of it all. There is absolutely no explanation for your suffering, and I cannot even fathom what it is like to stand in your shoes. But sharing your experience on this blog, has already, and will continue to impact others. Without doubt, it will help others who suffer pain.
I wish you all the best.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having this craving where it feels like there’s only one way to make it go away… I’m thinking of you. Stay strong!
thinking of you…