switch went off…and not in a good way

Switch went off…and not in a good way

I feel better today but that is likely due to having my menses start. I am not happy about this though I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of the week. I guess you can say the hormone was shift into doomland and the second shift into the light. I swear if this develops into more than discharge, I am going to kill myself or maybe go into the hospital. I can’t, right now anyway, see myself not wearing boxers. The switch (aka menses) always seems to get me back to my senses every time. It kills me and I know as long as it happens, my life is in danger. I can’t be hospitalized because I never know it is because of a hormonal flux. There is no test for it. It usually lasts a few days to a week that I will be horribly suicidal. When I get that way, it hard getting me to try and stick around. My therapist knows to pull out all stops on me to keep me safe. I may act normally, even make plans for the future but I am really trying desperately trying to end my life. But as soon as that first drop of blood happens, poof, all suicidality disappears and all is “normal” again. It is the weirdest thing.

For some reason I cannot seem to read without my glasses on today. Everything appears small without them. Weird.

Apparently my pdoc and I got our times mixed up. Her midday and my midday are not the same. She wanted me to call her at noon while I thought around three. Oh well. We talked and chatted about what was going on. She wants me to call her if I change my mind about the hospital and I will see her on Monday. She said my blog was written “quite eloquently” and couldn’t see the reason why my therapist wanted her to read it. I think she missed the part of the skipping the abilify, which is good as she knows what I am doing. I am not psychotic but today. We did talk about the transgender stuff and the self hate that was fuelling my suicidality. I still wish I killed myself on Tuesday.

After the cup of nice coffee I had, I feel nervous in a bad way. It could just be that I am withdrawing. I haven’t had a pain medicine since last night. I am in pain now but it’s comfortable as it can be. I am not in agony and am trying to lay low as much as possible. I really don’t want to cause a pain flare up and have to take my other medication. I also realized I will be out of meds until NEXT Friday, at least. I won’t be able to fill the prescription until then. This is not going well for me. And I think I got to start taking the abilify as it is stressing me out and I don’t do well with stress. Stress ends up making me psychotic.

I think, if this weekend goes well, I might have the finances to get a script of my abilify. I am going to see if the prescription card my mother gave me works and if it does, then it might be lower than what I am paying now for it. I hope it is because otherwise I am screwed. Two meds, no three meds, I can’t live without, the OCP, pain meds, and the abilify, in that order. And right now, two of those are in jeopardy of running out and me not being able to afford paying for them. I am so screwed.

I called the junk yard as they left me a message this morning about my car. They want to give me $175 for it. YA, no thanks. My car is worth more than that when I saw an ad for Toyotas asking for $300. I just wish I had taken the damn number down to call them after they didn’t answer my email. So I am off looking for another junk place for my car. That will help some of my financial issues for the moment.