agitated ramble

I didn’t have therapy today. I was hoping a spot would open up but it never happened. Now I have to wait till Tuesday to talk to my therapist again. This sucks. I had a very busy day and need to talk about it.

I took my father to his appointment and surprisingly, he didn’t cause my already high blood pressure to skyrocket. I went to my appointment and just as I thought, my PCP increased the new blood pressure medication that I am on. Luckily, I was spared the weight issue/reprimand.

I have been feeling anxious all day. I have been up since 0530 and I can’t seem to calm down. I took an Ativan when I took my morning meds, hoping that would calm me down some but it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am such a friggen wreck. I am wicked tired, actually, I am beyond tired. I know that I won’t be able to rest as I am too restless to stay still long enough to sleep. I just have been going all day. I had a bad dream that caused me to wake up at 0530. I don’t remember what it was about now. I know it had to do with my mother. I just hope the dream doesn’t come true.

I think most of it has to do with the transgender piece I wrote yesterday, not the public version but the password protected one. I don’t think my therapist has read it yet and I am nervous about it.

I got an email from my pdoc asking if I can come in earlier tomorrow and I am like whoa, our appointment isn’t until next week. I really don’t want to do ANYTHING tomorrow because my leg is acting up. I got the nerve pain zaps last night and my foot has been on fire since it happened. I haven’t been able to calm it down because there is nothing I can take for it. I need a day to rest after I spent most of the day in my AFO brace (ankle/foot orthotic). My leg is also angry at me because my PCP had to press on my leg to see if it hurt. Fucker. Now I have to take my pain meds to quiet that down too. I am just going to have a party tonight with my meds and see what works and what doesn’t. I got to get rid of this anxiety first though. I think I will take an Ativan and hope for the best. Then I can take the nerve pain med and hope it puts the fire out in my foot. It sucks to have your foot constantly burning and knowing there is nothing you can take for it. I was driving today so I was limited in what I could take. It is just driving me crazy and I know that is probably one of the reasons why my anxiety is up and why I am so restless. I just can’t sit still. But writing has given me something to focus on, least for the time being.

I don’t really feel like I am hypomanic as I do not have a good mood. I am still really depressed. This agitation is killing me though. I think I am going to take some of my nerve pain meds and see if that calms me down. If it doesn’t, I will take an anti-psychotic. I just cannot stand being like this. And I really want to take a nap, though it is getting close to bed time so I probably shouldn’t. UGH!!! So frustrated.

I am happy that my PCP didn’t restrict the number of pills I got for my pain meds due to my psych hospitalization. He asked if I did something and I told him no. He doesn’t need to know what lead to the hospitalization, just that I was there because my blood pressure was crazy! This is the second time that my blood pressure was out of control during an inpatient psych visit. I don’t know if it was because of the stress that I was under or what. But I do know that I need to lose some weight to keep it under control with ONE medication rather than two. My biggest fear is that I will become hypotensive (low blood pressure). But I have been monitoring my bp at home so I don’t think that will be a problem. I take my blood pressure twice a day and the pressure seems to be worse at night. Happened while in the hospital too so no change there. Though I did want to slap one of the mental health workers when she asked me if I was drinking enough. Stupid dumbass. My pressure would be low if I was dehydrated. And I drank lots while I was in the hospital. Mostly ginger ale and juice cocktail (OJ and cranberry juice). I wish I could have had some vodka with the juice sometimes. I swore I was going to have a shot of gin when I got out but I still haven’t had it. I lost the feeling for drinking. Plus, it doesn’t mix with my pain meds.

I took my nerve pain meds. It better knock out the stupid burning pain that I am experiencing. I don’t usually have this type of pain. I usually have a physical type of pain that is helped with pain meds (narcotic kind). The nerve pain meds are not narcotic. And it doesn’t make sense since I have increased my mood stabilizer as that also can knock out nerve pain. Man, things are really messed up. I am on too many meds. I got to find a way to get off them.