I just don’t know anymore

I just don’t know anymore

I have been in pain for more than 24 hrs now so if this is a little squirrely, that is why. I just cannot take the pain anymore. It is driving me absolutely insane. I spent the last hour or so writing in my journal things that shouldn’t be mentioned in the blog (stuff my therapist wanted me to write). I felt so ashamed afterwards. I was stuck with images in my head of the events that happened to me. I just want to be dead again. I know it has been at least a month since I last felt this way. Certainly was around the time of Robin Williams’s death. I felt like it was my turn. Well, dammit, why the hell not? I am so sick of being in pain.

I have tried to control my pain but my meds seem to be ineffective. I think I might have to take the stronger meds to break the cycle. But I don’t want to because the last time I took that drug, Jekyll appeared. I am wicked tired and all I want to do is sleep and I know that if I take this drug, chances are that Jekyll will come out. And god only knows what he will write. I find it odd that I have two “alters” and they are both male.

I didn’t take a shower today. I got a migraine and then things kind of went downhill after that. My pain worsened to what it is now. It is throbbing like a SOB and stabbing at the same time. It hurts right at the joint where my foot and ankle bone meet. That area is the most painful right now. I just want relief. I have contemplated taking the handful of pain pills that I have left. It will really suck if I take them because then I will have NOTHING. I know I am going to run out of my meds before the 28th of this month. My doc is supposed to write a 28 day supply but he wrote it for 30 days. Big help, not! I don’t know why I told him I needed less pills. But then, things were going well and I wasn’t in pain as much. The past few months have been awful and I keep meaning to tell him I need more pills because it just isn’t enough but I keep forgetting. Plus I am scared that he will say no. I doubt it, but you never know. I bet if my pain were under control, my blood pressure would be too.

I keep fighting sleep. I know that if I go to bed now, chances are good that I will wake up around midnight or 1 or 2 in the morning. I took my meds so I don’t have to get up again but I might have to go to the bathroom. I drank a lot of water at dinner because I am dehydrated. I didn’t eat too much, just had breaded cauliflower for dinner. I wasn’t that hungry. Which is good because I feel bloated.

My mother just struggled to get up the stairs. Her life would be so much better if she would take something consistently for her pain. But nope. Won’t even take a damn aspirin. Pisses me off because she always complains she is in pain. I refuse to give her sympathy because I know there are meds out there she can take but she won’t so there.

I have the ceiling fan on despite it being cool outside. I have been having hot flashes for most of the day. It is only about 70 degrees in my room so I don’t know why I have to put the fan on but I am hot and I hate being hot. I think it is because of the damn pain I am in. 24 hours. I didn’t even do too much yesterday so I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. But I guess walking is my downfall. And my sister thinks I will be able to walk a dog. Please. I can barely get to where I need to go without hurting myself and you want me to take care of an animal?? NO. Not happening. Get a cat. I will clean the litter box twice a day. That I can do!

I don’t know why I am in so much damn pain. It’s not like I did anything today. I didn’t go up and down the stairs too much, but maybe I did. I never know what is minimal and what is a lot. My body doesn’t bother to tell me until it has surpassed its limit and then tells me the next day or later that night when I want to fucking sleep. It is terrible. Normal ankle movement should not bring you such pain!!!

The only thing keeping me sane right now is listening to music. I need that muse in my head because without it, I think I might do something drastic.