Just useless

Been listening to country music on the radio most of the day. I didn’t go to my doc appointment today because I didn’t want to freeze my ass off in the cold. So I spent the day trying to work on this blog that is driving me nuts at this point. It is already six pages long yet not even 1500 words. I still have five pages of notes to type up. I think that will be a task for tomorrow. My brain is fried.

Ankle has been acting up the last few hours. It hurts and at times, cramping up. I don’t know why as I have been on my bed resting for most of the day. The only time I have left my room is to eat and go to the bathroom. I did stand to make my breakfast and lunch. I probably will have to stand to make my dinner, too. It is going to love that. I really just want to take a nap. I have been up since six o’clock.

I did some searching to see if I could find the article that is in one of my previous blogs. I wanted the hard copy so I can read it as it has been a while. I have been unable to find the actual journal that it is in so finding the hard copy was a good thing. I would have printed it out but I don’t have a printer. It is on my list of things to get this year.

My mood has tanked today. I found myself seriously thinking of ending my life. It is becoming more prominent than a passing thought. I texted my therapist about chatting with her but have not heard back, yet. I just feel really worthless, like what I am doing doesn’t matter to anyone. I feel like my blogs are worthless. That my writing is shit. And I just don’t want to be anymore. I rather be in a hole in the ground than be above ground. I am just useless.