Now, not later

It is very cold in Boston and will be colder tomorrow, like much of the US. It’s winter so it is expected to be cold. I just wish the coldest day of the year wasn’t when I need to go out. I should have rescheduled my appointment so I can stay nice and warm. But I will brave the elements because I need to see this doc. I need him to evaluate my hip and see if he can do something about it. I might need some more PT. I don’t know. I just know that it has been weeks since pulling the muscle and though it has gotten a little better, it still hurts. I also cramp up if I stand too long, say to wash dishes, which never really happened to me before.

I am very saddened to find out that Grant Mickelson is no longer a part of Taylor’s band. He was let go a few month ago and I just found out. I feel so bad. He was a talented musician and I loved his guitar playing.

Had therapy today. I told my therapist that I had the pangs of suicidality. She wants me to keep her updated on how I am doing. I don’t feel like it. I just want to die. I don’t have a specific plan. I am just wishing myself to death at this point. There is a recent study that came out that said those with severe mental illness are more likely to die younger because their medical illnesses are not treated properly. I would fall into this “severe” mental illness category. I don’t see how I cannot. I have multiple medical conditions that can kill me and I am at increased risk of having a heart attack because of my depression (another study that came out not too long ago). My being overweight and having hypertension doesn’t help these factors. I could wait to have one of these cardiovascular events to occur but I fear they might not happen soon enough. I want to be gone NOW, not later.

I am freezing. I put on a sweatshirt and now I am thinking of wearing a long sleeved T shirt AND the sweatshirt. I did it and now I am warmer than I was a few minutes ago. I might be dying of heat once the heat kicks in but right now I am toasty. Sounds like the wind is picking up. Just great. More cold air being knocked around. I have thermal socks on to keep my feet warm.