A letter to bozo

Dear Bozo,

It’s after midnight. I am really tired but I am in a lot of pain. I am feeling depressed because a fellow blogger wants to end her life. I have become good friends with her and it makes me sad that there is nothing I can do for her except be there. I hope she doesn’t hurt herself tonight.

Sox are back in last place. I feel like I am, too. I feel like I am at the bottom of the barrel and I can’t get out. The shit just keeps piling on and I can’t get out from under.  Foot is absolutely killing me despite taking pain meds. I just took some ativan because I got a cramp in my other foot. That is all I need, both feet to be against me. I am such a shit.

I’m supposed to go out tonight with some friends. I always have a good time even though it wears me out. My friends don’t know this.  I have never told them. They are the only friends that I have kept in touch with since my disability and loss of work. I would hate to lose them or be left out of having dinner with them once in a while. It really is the only time I socialize.

I just don’t know what has brought on these feelings of worthlessness and insecurity.  Someone liked my commonalities of suicide and placed it on Reddit. Whatever that is. I have heard about it but don’t know more than that.  I just know I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet right now. If I was suicidal, I’d probably plan something. It gives me comfort knowing I am going to try and end my life. I don’t know why that is.  Maybe because it gives me an option and a way out of this darkness. I am so tired of fighting it. Why do I have to continue to live when I don’t want to?  It’s your fault I’m still here. And I hate you for it right now. I hate this guilt trip you have me bonded into. I don’t want to hurt you, yet you say that I will if I kill myself. I just want the pain to stop. If the pain stopped, both physically and mentally I wouldn’t be thinking of ending my life. I am just a scumbag that doesn’t deserve your care.

I didn’t bring the depression on. Unless the pain meds did, which they could have. Course, I am very tired right now and fear that if I don’t go to sleep soon, Hyde might come out. So I’ll stop here for now.

But before I do, my CES anniversary  is coming up in two weeks. I am feeling anxious about it for some reason.  I keep having the memory of when I was told and having to pull over because I was driving to see you at the time. How I managed to drive without injuring myself I have no clue. My back was pretty bad. I still think if i didn’t get it the 2nd time, I wouldn’t be disabled like I am today. I have huge anger that I don’t know what to do with. The stages of grief I guess. But I refuse to accept this. This should not have happened. Someone should have noticed me walking improperly after all those PT sessions I had. Maybe I should have been in an AFO then. I don’t know.  It’s all hindsight now. And it makes me very angry.

I know I’ll never be normal again, that I think I can live with. But being in pain is not part of the deal. Especially when they are making it harder to get pain meds. If I dont ever get my meds, it will be my death sentence.