Weird therapy day
I am not having a good day. I woke up in the early morning hours in pain and then woke up an hour after I fell asleep. I just can’t get this pain under control. My mother decided to call me when I was just waking up and I didn’t want to talk to her so let it go to voicemail. I waited a little bit before going downstairs as I wasn’t completely woken up. When I did see her, she berated me for not answering the phone, like it was some emergency. She wanted me to let the gas man in the house to fix the meters. No can do as I have my therapy appointment. She wanted to go shopping. Tough shit.
I tried to have therapy today but my therapist’s phone just wasn’t cooperating. So we had the session via text message as that seemed to be the only thing her phone could do. So half the session was via talk and the rest via text. Interesting. We didn’t get much accomplished as you can imagine, though my therapist is a fast typer, faster than me. She still wants me to try and find someone face to face. I gave her the number for the center I found in my area that might be able to help me. I am not calling. I can’t stand the thought of being turned down or told to be put on a waiting list for months.
I told my therapist I was depressed. I am not eating, I don’t care about anything, and I have no energy. I am just so tired. And trying to find a new therapist in the mix of this is just dragging me down. I see my pdoc tomorrow and she wants me to tell her what I am feeling. I don’t know why I should bother. It’s not like she is going to help. I am getting a headache just thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, ever. I have to get up early tomorrow (which shouldn’t be a problem as I am up anyways) to get to this appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I will just be wasting her time, like I am wasting my therapist’s time. I don’t know how they can stand me.
I told my therapist about Jack and Hyde and unfortunately, the phone cut out so I have no idea what she was saying. It was a very stressful session. I think she is going to get a new phone, least I hope she does. I understand why she doesn’t want to get a new phone but this has got to be a reason for getting a new one. I had to get a new phone because my phone was just not working anymore. And if the phone just doesn’t work anymore, what the hell is the point of using the device??
I am in a lot of pain today. The weather warmed up by twenty degrees. I am aching all over. But because I haven’t eaten anything substantial, I can’t take my NSAID pill. I have to have a full meal, not a small bag of popcorn. I just don’t want to make anything. I doubt I could because the gas people are working on the meters so I don’t think I can use the stove. I am so depressed, I don’t care. I just took some pain meds and an Ativan to get back to sleep. If my mother needs help with the damn groceries, I am going to be in dreamland. I just hope I don’t wake up, though I probably will. I didn’t take more than what is prescribed to me. Though I do feel like it. I really can’t because I don’t want to lose the trust of my doctors. That means a lot to me. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to say to my pdoc tomorrow. I know she will want some more information about my therapist and I just hope I don’t break down and cry. That is my biggest fear.
Other than writing this blog, I don’t have anything else I need to do today. I still need to find a quote for tomorrow’s “Quote of the Day”. It’s getting harder to find because the book is almost finished. I might have to start looking into his other books. I am finding it fun to have this type of blog. Once I have exhausted Dr. Shneidman’s works, I suppose I could go to Kay Redfield Jamison. She has a lot of quotes.
midnightdemons7 