Yesterday afternoon, I took a heavy dose of gabapentin. I wanted to sleep so that I didn’t feel anything. Only thing is, it backfired. I woke up around 0200 and then around 0630. Usually, I am able to sleep all night but some reason, I had these sleeping stints. It was very disappointing and now I have a hang over that is not very nice. I need coffee badly. I will make some soon, probably after this blog.
I still feel shitty. I still want to die. I’d welcome a bus hitting me right now and killing me. Or a Mack truck. I just feel so empty and alone. Even though I live with my family members, I still feel like I am an outsider. I don’t really feel close to them. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don’t. I awoke again with ankle pain. I guess it is physical because the gaba would have taken care of the nerve pain. I fucking hate being in pain every single fucking day. I can’t get relief. And add in the heartache of depression, you got some serious pain going on.
While I was on Twitter, they have told me that the drug Ketamine can help with suicidal thoughts but it is short acting. They also say that it helps with depression. I don’t know if it has been approved but if it is, I am going to ask my pdoc about it when I see her next. I can’t go on like this. The psychache is too profound. I know part of it has to do with my therapist situation. Hopefully that will get cleared up when I talk with her next, provided her damn phone works. I know it is frustrating for her, but it’s also frustrating for me because I don’t get to talk to her. Lately we just have been texting each other. We are adults, not kids. Soon as I find out how much my laptop is going to be fixed, I am going to apply for Zipcar. I hope that after three years of not really driving puts my record in good shape. I was denied before because I got a speeding ticket and was in an accident (not my fault) with my car. It was two separate occasions and months apart. The speeding ticket was my fault because I was in the state police area and knew they watched the speed limits. I was dumb and should have slowed down. I still kick myself for getting the ticket.
If I get the Zipcar, I will be able to drive more frequently, as long as I have money in my account. Then I will be able to see my therapist in person so I can smack her silly with pillows. Monday can’t come soon enough. I really want to get my laptop fixed. That is the priority right now more than the Zipcar. I just hope it doesn’t cost me more than what they posted. It will kill me if my entire check is used to fix my laptop.
Today the OSU game is on ABC so I will be able to watch it if I am out of this hangover. Probably going to need more than one cup of coffee today.