I’m Zipping

I’m Zipping

I woke up at 0500 and I have been busy getting my groceries ordered and straightening out my Zipcar card. I decided to use the Zipcar today rather than wait till tomorrow or next week. I am so excited. I was going to go back to sleep but decided against it. I finally took a shower. I didn’t even get into the shower when it started making an awful noise. I quickly showered and got out. I think it was the fastest shower I took. I have to tell my brother in law about this noise. I think there is air in the lines or something.

I am going to see my therapist today. She is going to be so excited. I haven’t texted her yet. I figure I will surprise her. Maybe now, she won’t be so keen on getting an adjunct therapist. It will be good to see her again. It’s been months since our last face to face session. I will be bringing her the lyrics to “Mixed drinks about Feelings” and my NYT article. It’s just something to add to her pile. I am debating on bringing the lyrics to “Mr. Misunderstood”. The song is mostly about Eric finding himself in the music industry. Other than a few lines, the song doesn’t have any meaning for me. But I like the idea behind the song. And I always feel misunderstood.

I can’t wait till my grocery order comes in and I can have burritos for breakfast. They are homemade, not the prepared stuff. I need to make my own eggs. I am funny that way. Even when we go out to a restaurant for breakfast, I never order eggs. I like making my own.

It’s now the afternoon. I just came home from my therapy appointment. It took longer to get home than it did getting there. I had to get gas in the beginning of the trip because the idiot before me left less than ¼ of a tank. I reported it. It cost me a half hour of my trip because of it so I decided to take the highway to my therapist’s office. She was sure happy to see me. I was happy too. She still looks the same. I think it has been at least a year since I last saw her. I told her about my crappy weekend and how suicidogenic my mother was. It was a new word for her to learn. I was laughing because she kept on pronouncing it wrong. It took several tries for her to get it right. I also gave her the lyrics but we didn’t talk about it much. We’ll probably talk about it tomorrow. She wished that I could stay the entire afternoon. I wish I could, too. I think it would be a goofy experience.

The ride home seemed to take forever. I really just wanted to be home as I have been out most of the day. I left my house at 0900 and just came back around 1545. Nearly six hours out. I rented the car for 5 hours just to allow times for traffic and such. There wasn’t much traffic on the way home. It just seemed like it was a long road. I don’t know how many miles it was but it could just be that I wanted to be home fast and it was the long way home that was making me antsy. I didn’t have lunch while I was out. I should have had something to eat but I was hungry. Now I am hungry. My mother is making supper as we speak so it should be ready soon.

I got to call Peapod and find out why they are charging me more than what I clicked on for check out. It’s nearly twenty dollars more. I didn’t add any items and the sale items are still on sale so I am not sure why there is a discrepancy. I hate making phone calls. You spend most of the time on hold than you do talking to a person. Like I just called my doctor’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. I spent of the 8 minutes, 2 minutes was talking to an actual person. I just get so annoyed. They used to call you when it was ready but I guess they don’t do that any more. Jerks. If I don’t pick it up tomorrow, I will have to wait till Friday. They are only open in the morning that day.

My therapist was appalled that someone would open accounts in my name. I am glad I caught it before fraudulent activity could be done. It didn’t show up on my credit report yet, but then, my own personal checking account isn’t there either so maybe it won’t show up. I told her I reported it to the agencies, just in case. She still was shocked someone would do this. Just tops off the bad weekend I had.

I have had such a long day. Even though I am hungry, I really don’t feel like eating. I am just too tired to eat. But I am getting the shakes because the last time I ate was at like 0630 this morning. I feel like I should have ordered something, just to tie me over while my mother cooks what she is cooking. I am having nerve pain in my thigh. Probably because I sat too long today. It’s rare that it flares up. But then I don’t usually have long days where I am sitting in a chair. While I am in my bed, it is somewhat elevated.

Despite seeing my therapist, I still am depressed. I didn’t tell her about the anti-diabetic agent that I was thinking about going on to help with my chronic depression. It has too many scary side effects, which is probably why my psychiatrist never got back to me. I will still ask her about it when I see her. If it will help the insulin resistance, I am for it. But my psychiatrist is not an endocrinologist. She might not feel comfortable prescribing it. I will still ask my PCP about it, but he is leaving so I am not sure I can bring it up. I might need monitoring in the beginning that I don’t know about. I see my psych before I see my PCP so I will have a better idea if this medication is ideal for me.

I also didn’t tell my therapist my ex tried getting in contact with me the end of last week. We have had an off and on relationship over the years. Last year or two she blocked me on FB for reasons only she knows. Well she unblocked me and then requested my friendship. I didn’t want to deal with her so I blocked her. I don’t need her drama in my life. She is interested in me for only one thing and one thing only, and it’s not friendship. I am glad she is 90 miles away from me. It still hurts me that we can’t have a friendship but so life goes, I guess. She was my first love so she will always have a special spot in my heart. I have been thinking about her a lot lately so I am sure that is why she unblocked me. We have this weird connection where if we think of one another, the other is too.

I don’t know if I am sleepy because of lack of food or because I have been up for almost 12 straight hours. It’s a really cold day and I am just wearing a T-shirt. It’s kind of chilly but I was hot when I came home. I really think something is wrong with me, either I am coming down with a cold or something is wrong with my thyroid. Maybe if I nudge my pdoc, she will order a thyroid screen. It could be what is causing my depression, or at least part of it. I have been depressed for so long you would think I would be used to it. But it sucks because it just takes so much out of you. Putting on a happy face all the time takes such effort. It is exhausting. And it sucks because you just can’t do anything useful. I am glad I am not a neat freak. I would have died the way my room is. But it does need to be cleaned. My summer clothes need to be put away so they don’t get lost in the shuffle of my winter clothes. I still can’t find my Red Sox hoodie. It upsets me when I can’t find my  clothes. They just get buried. Much like my life.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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