heavy heart full of pain

Heavy heart full of pain

I have been in a funk the past few hours. I thought it was because I didn’t eat for several hours but I had dinner and my heart sunk lower than it did before eating. I feel really miserable. I just feel really depressed and I don’t know why. That is the hardest part of dealing with this illness. It just takes so much just to go from a to b. I did a lot today but I still feel like I am useless. I feel like I have no purpose. I texted my therapist to tell me it is worth one’s while to live, but I haven’t heard back. I honestly don’t expect a response. She probably will give me a response tomorrow.

I just feel like my heart can’t take any more pain that I am feeling. It is getting to be unbearable. You would think that I would be used to it by now but I am not. It just rips my heart to pieces when the pain is so heavy. It clouds your thinking, but you don’t see it. Everyone seems happy around you and you try to be but inside you are dying. You can’t help but think of death. Least that will stop the hurting. You think of drinking your sorrows away. You think of anything that will ease your hurt. But nothing helps this heavy heart. It weighs on you like a boulder.

No one notices your pain. There are no outward signs that you are in misery. You put on a brave face and no one is the wiser. It is exhausting. It is tiring. It drags you down so deep that you don’t ever think you will reach the surface again. You are just stuck in a tunnel that has no light at the end of it. Nothing brings you joy or pleasure. Not even that one cup of coffee you used to enjoy. It’s tasteless now. Everything tastes bland. What used to have flavor no longer does. It’s so hard to find something you enjoy only to have it taken from you. The anhedonia is so awful. It also makes death more welcoming.

Depression keeps taking and the more you fight it, the more you want to give up. It’s like trying to keep the waves at bay when you are facing a tsunami. The waves are crushing you bit by bit. And you keep wondering why this is happening to you, that you must be a bad person to feel this way. I just think I am a worthless person that everyone seems to think that I am worthwhile. They are sadly mistaken. There is nothing worse than false hope. Yet that is what keeps some days, like today, a little brighter: hope. I wish you can bottle it and take it as a pill sometimes when your heart is weighing you down, because then you are so out of it that nothing seems to matter. You are just thinking of ending your life and that is all that matters to you. No one understands the struggle. No one wants to bear your pain. You are alone though people often tell you are not.  They are not with you in the depths of your despair, when it’s 3 am and you are clinging on to the rafters because the waves are overwhelming you. No, death is much more pleasurable than living. Sleep offers no solace from the terrors you face. It is short, too short to offer any comfort anymore. It seems to happen in a blink of an eye. A constant state of sleep deprivation doesn’t help the depression or the aching soul.

Death must happen swiftly to ease the broken heart. It’s the only remedy this disease calls for. The pain is too much for the heart to take. The weight is too much to bear. It screams louder than the pain inside. It’s like a tea kettle without the whistle. The pressure building but no release valve in sight. One day the heart will beat no more and the misery will end.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to heavy heart full of pain

  1. mm172001 says:

    Hope the feeling fades, and we will definitely have starbucks on our private country/island

  2. Reblogged this on Bipolar For Life and commented:
    My friend here has (fortunately and unfortunately) captured what I feel when I’m profoundly depressed. I wonder if it’s like that for everybody. How about you? Can you share? I feel like sharing our experience of our illnesses is empowering. One of the signatures of depression is isolating oneself, or being alone in a crowd. If you feel like having a conversation about this, I think it might be helpful to a lot of people.

  3. Bipolar1Blog says:

    I am so sorry you are feeling so bad Laura. I know what you are going through my friend. I have been through pain Nx anhedonia do severe that I have wanted to end it all. I listed an article that said that depressions that involve inflammation have really bad and untreatable anhedonia. But they are working on a treatment. For ne it seems Advil and Benadryl help. I wonder if you can try those? Also playing a game like scrabble helps because it gets me out of feeling and Grrr me into thinking. Can you try that? Hang on my friend. I really am with you. Love and hugs.

  4. Ava Savage says:

    Wow! I could relate to every word you said, only I could not state it as well as you did. When I’m in the mist of my bad depression it is like being in hell. I can’t remember when I last enjoyed doing anything really. But I need to be put on mood stabilizers, just can’t afford help yet. I hope we all can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. We are not alone though there are many of us in the same nightmare.

  5. Pingback: heavy heart full of pain | The Best Little Girl in the World

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