Random 123

So far my day had been ok. I read my Civil War book and wrote a little more on my short story. I had a nap that was good until I woke up with my good foot hurting. Soon as I repositioned it, it felt better so I am not sure what its problem was. I had lunch after my nap. I was going to have a cheeseburger but decided to make a peanut butter and jelly roll up. That was good. Think I will have my cheeseburger for dinner. My mother made awful chicken wings last night. She used ketchup as a sauce. I only like ketchup with fries and tater tots. She didn’t have any BBQ sauce. I think she should have checked this before defrosting a whole bag of wings. I would have gone to the store to get the sauce. My mother just doesn’t think sometimes.

What turned my day bad was my damn bowels. I again had to push like I was in labor to get the stool out. It hurt like hell. I have been taking fiber pills and senna as I haven’t gone in a few days. I think the hard stuff is out but I still feel uncomfortable. My ass is killing me with nerve pain so it’s very uncomfortable to sit. I go through this with every single bowel movement. It hurts but usually it goes away. But if I am straining to go, the more I hurt. Now I am in a bad mood because I am in pain in place that shouldn’t really be hurting. Every time it hurts, it just reminds me that I don’t have normal bowels anymore thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. It stresses me out. I just want to die right now just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I really was expecting the fiber pills to soften my stools to make it easier to go. I guess that plan didn’t work, least not yet. I can’t take too much because if I do make soft stools, I will lose control and crap my pants. I will lose it if that happens. I’ve already come close to crying once today.

Today is National Cookie Day so I had one of my molasses cookies that I bought. I have been craving them for some time now. But I was only able to stomach one. I am so backed up that food doesn’t interest me. I think about eating it, but when I actually get it, I am turned off by it. I hate feeling this way. I should have had coffee today but it’s too late now to have a cup. I had a cup of tea with breakfast and that just put me to sleep. I will have it tomorrow. Think I will make the Brazil coffee.

The temp is in the forties, but it feels colder in the house. Even my laptop is cold to the touch. We are supposed to go up to the 50s this week. I hope we do. I can’t take the cold because it’s bothering my hip/back. I wanted to vacuum today but my hip has been talking to me most of the day so it’s not happening. I would be hurting more if I attempted to do it. I wish my mother didn’t bring the big vacuum downstairs. It would have been easier for me to vacuum with it than the little dirt devil that I have. Oh well. If I felt like lugging it back upstairs I would. I am surprised my mother brought it down the stairs. I am always so fearful of her falling because of her knees giving her so much trouble.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

3 thoughts on “Random 123”

  1. I hate that you have to go through this!! I am glad you had your cookie though! It is time to start making Christmas cookies! I have too many recipes though so the kids are going to have to choose just a few!

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