Random 142

Random 142

My TiVo is on the fritz. It keeps telling me that the internal temp is too high and then shuts off. It’s had a long life, 14 years. Only thing is, I don’t want to buy a replacement because you have to pay monthly. I might get cable DVR services but I will have to have a strict talk with my mother if I do. I don’t want her cancelling my shows because she wants to watch hers if I am paying for it. I already missed at least three episodes of Bones because of this. I don’t want to miss the season.

I went over my father’s and did what I had to do. I then left. He gave me some chicken cutlets so I had that for lunch. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens but I just wasn’t up for it. I was hurting, tired, and needed food and coffee. I said that I would go later but this coffee is having no effect on my tiredness so I might take a nap. Being up in the middle of the night and then sleeping did me no favors. I had to buy my father bread other wise I would have slept later. It’s a good thing I went when I did because they only had 4 loaves left. He still complains about the bread, wanting to know where I bought it, as if I make it at home. Guy is ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or what, but I am wicked down. I met my cousin on the bus ride home and she reminded me again that I was turning the big number. I wanted to smack her. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal over it. It’s just a number. I will be that number for a fucking year so I don’t understand why they are making a big deal. I hate my birthday and I rather die this weekend than live to see it in a few days. I have four bottles of pills that I can use to kill myself this weekend. But I am too scared that I will just get sick and live that it’s not even worth trying. This depresses me to no end. I feel like I am such a failure or wimp for not even trying.

I am not even trying to be positive or hopeful. I just hope I don’t wake up one morning. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing gives me pleasure. I just want to die. I want to cease to exist. My therapist thinks otherwise. She can’t envision a life without me in it. Awkward how that is. But then we have been working so long together, I think she is a little codependent on me. I know my death will devastate her as will a lot of people including my family.