Fearing the Worst

Fearing the Worst

I had taken some Nyquil a couple of hours ago to try and get to sleep. Pain is preventing this from happening as every time I move, my thigh goes berserk. Now my inner thigh is feeling like it’s on fire. This isn’t good. I am glad I am seeing the neurosurgeon tomorrow but I fear that without new images, the appointment is going to be useless. All he can do is nod his head in agreement and then say I need a new MRI stat. I am feeling more nervous as the more time is wasted, the more nerve damage I could be having. I didn’t do anything today except write down an outline and print off a few articles on this new paper I plan on writing. I tried writing it today but I couldn’t think of a beginning sentence so just wrote an outline. I thought the articles would help, but all it did was lead me to more stuff to outline. Very frustrating to me. I usually am able to write off the bat but today it was difficult, probably because I am in too much pain. Word to the wise, never take Nyquil unless you really want to sleep. I have been fighting it for the last few hours and literally feel sick to my stomach. I want to sleep but this pain anxiety is keeping me from it. It’s awful!

I tried to get in touch with my friend that is in the hospital but just got the busy signal. I will see him tomorrow. I heard he is supposed to be in till Christmas Eve. I am glad he is not spending Christmas in the hospital. That would be terrible.

Another reason I can’t sleep is because my sister and mother are having a yelling competition. My mother is deaf and so my sister has to yell for my mother to hear her. It’s going through my head like nails on chalkboard. I am just very grumpy because I am so worried about what is going on with my leg and that I am in pain. I wish my sister would leave so the house could be quiet again. Maybe then I can finally go to sleep.

I have been swearing on Twitter and Facebook and in real life but that doesn’t seem to be helping my pain. They say that if you are in pain and swear, it will help ease it. I should be pain free as anything if that were the case. Liars. I hate being in this much pain. I haven’t been in this much pain since my surgery 9 years ago. I fear the worst is happening. I really wish I saw my PCP the week before I was to see him last. I know he would have ordered the MRI and I wouldn’t be having this worry right now about what is going on. Fucking doctors, always chicken to do the right thing. They never think how the patient with PTSD feels when this is happening to them again. I just hope my neurosurgeon understands and wants to help me with this. Otherwise, I am up the creek without a paddle. I am so frustrated. Why do docs always have to wait for the worst to happen before they take action? So pisses me off.

I think my next reading adventure is going to be an old psychology book. And by old, I really mean it. The book was published in 1938. I just hope it doesn’t fall apart as I read it. I was going to read some of my other books but I am tired of reading history and fiction. I want to read something else. I figure psychology is the way to go. I also was pondering on a writing book called “Writing Tools” and I might switch to that if the 1938 book is too dry. I still plan on finishing the American Gods, even though it freaks me out some. I am half way through it so I might as well finish it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Fearing the Worst

  1. Let’s hope everybody is running around getting their Christmas together, leaving the scanner open for you 😆

  2. Hey there. I got lots of scar tissue so I don’t think a subdural pump would work. Will definitely let you know when I know. It could be a while before I get an appt with the scanner due to the holidays. I just hope my symptoms don’t worsen before then. I would hate to spend the holidays in the ER waiting for a scan and then surgery.

  3. Yikes, I’m so sorry you’re in pain and the agony of not knowing what’s going on.

    I hope the neurosurgeon will send you right into the scanner and back to the office. If they don’t suggest it themselves, you could ask for it.

    Now I’m anxious for you. Post what happened, will you?

    I hope it’s some non-serious thing like a bone spur that’s in some safe place but yet would explain your pain.

    Are you a candidate for subdural continuous pump infusion? I would think with your neuropathic pain you might be, but I don’t know if the motor issues would muddy things. Do you know?

    Sending lots of good juju

    Laura

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