Disability and other things

I met with my psychiatrist today. She is doing good. She had a crutch with her but she did the last time she came back so I know it isn’t permanent. She assured me she was on her way to recovery. We did talk about the struggle of getting dressed and such and now she understands what I go through. We talked about all the stressors that have lead up to my psychosis, most of which was my back problems and not knowing the results of my MRI. She looked them up and it doesn’t sound too scary but she isn’t a neurosurgeon so doesn’t know what the impressions mean. The good news is I don’t have CES, which is my main relief. Whether or not I need surgery or just go back to PT is at the surgeon’s discretion. He still hasn’t called and I called the office today and of course there was an emergency. He knows I am looking forward to his call so it’s just a matter of him getting back to me.

We also talked about disability and she is convinced that with my back issues, I have total disability but I would be pushing it for mental. The woman that handles my case that wanted to know of changes, still hasn’t called me back. She might be on vacation so I will call Tuesday as Monday is a holiday.

The whole afternoon left me wiped out. I am so tired and in pain. My ankle did not want to walk on the way to the T stop to go home. I wish I brought my cane. I never had this happen before, usually it happens when I am in the vicinity of my house. But I had to collect my CD with my images and that cost me some steps. I just can’t walk around the hospital like I used to do. It kills me that I can’t do that anymore. I used to be able to without a problem. Now it’s a problem. My thigh is killing me now. I will just take some pain meds after I write this as I have nothing else I need to do today. I am just waiting to hear back from the surgeon.

I am feeling a little bit better that I don’t have emergency surgery in the foreseeable future. I did look at the images and they don’t look too bad. I have a bulge at L3-L4 and again at L4-L5 that likes to touch my L5 nerve root. But that has stayed the same. I just wish the voices would stop hounding me and go away. It will take a while for them to go away though. It’s been more than 5 weeks they have been active. I need to take more trilafon to really knock them out, but don’t tell them I said this. They won’t be happy.

I woke up early again today. I guess sleeping past 0700 is a myth. No matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up well before that time. I either have to go pee or I am in pain. Most of the time I am in pain then I have to pee after I take my pain meds. I still haven’t showered. I was going to this morning but said the hell with it and went back to sleep. I am glad that I set my alarm or who knows what time I would have woken up. I had to leave the house before 0949 so I can catch the bus to the Square and train stop so I could go to my appointment. If I overslept, I would have been screwed. My doc was running behind because of the new system. It was torture for her. She tried to enter trilafon as it wasn’t listed and couldn’t do it. It frustrated her to no end. I told her I haven’t been showering lately. She didn’t have much to say on the matter. I will shower eventually, but not today. I just am too depressed.

I sold another book. It’s in the UK so I won’t be getting the royalties. I have like 12GBP that is in my account but I can’t collect because the stupid bank doesn’t accept anything but USD. It is so frustrating. I still need to work on my book. But I have kind of given up on it because I think it will sell like my first book did. And self-promotion really sucks.

I wish we could just skip next week and go right to the week of the 24th. I am not looking forward to my father’s upcoming appointment and my appointment with the NP for my pain management. It’s the first time going to the office without my PCP there. It’s going to be strange. I know that I have seen the NP but I am not sure she is going to want to continue with my management so I don’t have to see the MD. I hear the MD is nice and all but I still don’t know her. My fears about this are what fueling the voices still. That is why meds haven’t taken care of them all. I know taking the meds would help tremendously but it’s a battle because they want me to take more than what I am supposed to.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Disability and other things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    i hope the apt on the 24th was good and went well. it sounded like the apt with your psych was a good one. glad for that much because i know you were stressed over the MRI. glad the results were good. XX

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