Sleep Eludes Me

Sleep Eludes Me

I had about a three hour nap. I woke up coughing for some reason and now my foot has decided to ache again. I guess the pain meds wore off. The weather is to blame for this. I keep thinking I did something wrong with the disability papers, that I wrote something that I shouldn’t have or that I didn’t give them enough of what hell I am living. I wish I could die right now. I hate having this pain in my foot. It is quite severe. But it only happens at night. Never during the day when I am likely to see a damn doctor.

The coughing scared me because I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I was choking on my spit or air. It’s all hazy now. I guess I got the rest I needed for the day as I woke up around 0420. I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but I know it was around 0100 or later. I was fighting sleep then because I was in pain. Then it occurred to me that I should probably lay down and maybe I will pass out and I did. Only to wake up three fucking hours later. UGH.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I am still kind of sleepy and know that my pain meds will kick in shortly. I really need sleep. I want sleep. I don’t want to stay up all day with just three hours of sleep under my belt. It’s pissing me off that I can’t sleep right. And all because of fucking pain. I keep hearing Adele’s voice in my head. Her songs from her album are shuffling in my head as if they were playing. I don’t want to listen to music right now. It might wake me up and that is something I don’t want to happen. I don’t know if this music is normal or psychotic. It keep changing and the lyrics are the same so I am guessing it’s normal except the volume is on high. The lyrics are the same. They aren’t twisted as if they are talking to me or anything. I hate when music “talks” to me or has hidden meanings for me. It ruins my appreciation for the music. The last time music had its twisted themes and meanings, I ended up in the hospital. That was when the song “sirens” by Pearl Jam was stuck in my head, and I mean literally. Even if I played it to get it out of my head, it would still talk to me.

My blog about hygiene was posted in a mental health blog. I am either in the “leisure” section or the “entertainment”. This time I was in the “leisure”. I didn’t think that blog was so great, but I guess someone thought it was.

I got to do another grocery order. I am down to my last box of cereal. I am also going to try and get the slim fast stuff. I need to try and lose weight so my pants fit me again. I refuse to go up another pants size, especially after I bought three new pairs of jeans. I will try and get salad as well. I like having baby spinach but my damn mother ends up boiling it. It so frustrates me. I also need to get my cream and almond milk. I really like the almond milk, though I don’t think I am going to get the one with honey again. It just has a weird after taste. I should also get soy milk as I like that as well. I like the chocolate one and can suck it down like it’s going out of style.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Sleep Eludes Me

  1. Xeno says:

    I preferred chocolate almond milk.

any thoughts?

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