Great Game

Great Game

I just watched the Pats beat KC Chiefs. It was a good game, though toward the end, you had to wonder why KC was killing the clock when they were down two scores. Oh well. Poor time management gets you no where.

I finally cleaned my ceiling fan blades during half-time and I wish I didn’t. I stretched my back to reach them (I have a low ceiling in my room) and am now hurting. That was why I was putting it off but I couldn’t stand the dust accumulation anymore. It drives me nuts. I am not an OCD dust person but seeing a bunch of dust makes me want to clean it. I hope it helps with my allergies or what ever is causing my nose to run like crazy.

Before half-time, I thought I smelled gas in the kitchen so I opened a window. It turned out to be the oil based paint my brother in law was using to paint something downstairs. It smells really bad and I think he opened the front door to let some of the smell out because it is drafty and cold in the house.

Mentally, I should be excited that my team won but I feel really down. Voices are still telling me that I am a no good SOB, though they seemed to have stopped telling me what to do. My anxiety/perturbation level is down so I guess they don’t have that much to go on. I can take the name calling. I am used to that. I will take some trilafon tonight as it is just annoying to hear. I am glad my psychiatrist got why they were amped up. She knows my stress level is dependent on the voices. I can tolerate stress pretty well but sometimes, especially with the SSD and then my back issues, I just couldn’t tolerate the stress anymore. I reached a breaking point when the stupid resident I saw for my back told me how to take the Neurontin when I was on a much higher dose than she was prescribing. Idiot. I used to take as much as 3600 mg a day so I know how to use Neurontin. A pesky 900 mg will do nothing for me and the voices knew that. That is why they wanted me to take the bottle, to be “effective”. I had to hide the bottle for a few days because I could easily have taken a larger dose than 3600 mg. But my pant size is already at its max for me and Neurontin makes me hungry so I rather not take it unless I have the burning pains I get. That is all this drug is good for. I know it doesn’t help my mother but she doesn’t give drugs a chance. She thinks one dose is enough to help her and doesn’t understand that you need a constant level to help lower the pain. Granted, she has never been on a high dose of Neurontin like I have and probably never will. I just worry that she might fall from Neurontin or something. I have walked into walls before and felt drunk. I usually felt this way if I haven’t slept off the effects of the drug.

I am glad my psychiatrist wasn’t afraid when I told her what the voices were telling me. I knew it was a fine line I was walking. But she knows when I need to be in the hospital and when I don’t. It’s usually up to me when I am in the hospital. She has only pulled the section card on me twice in the 20 years I have known her. And I have had a lot of hospitalizations in those 20 years. Being suicidal a lot of the time will do that.

Although I am relieved that my back isn’t in emergent need of surgery, I still cannot believe that a week will have passed to hear what the outcome of the MRI will be and what treatment I will be looking forward to in the next coming weeks. It’s still going to be a worry in the back of my mind until I know. As I was talking with my psych about this, I think PT will be the way to go. I hate to go back. Seems like I should just hire a PT and be done with it, but I can’t afford it. And I swear if they just tell me to go to a gym, I will fire them so fast. Or just ride a bike for 20 mins and then call it a day. I doubt I will be able to really use a bike as my leg is so damn tight and sore. I just don’t know where to go. I will figure it out once I talk to the surgeon.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Great Game

  1. Thank you for sharing your knowledge about CES and very practical tips for living with CES in your bio. Have you ever considered working with an occupational therapist as well? They are healthcare professionals who can help you identify the activities (aka occupations – not just work!) that make your life meaningful to you. Such activities can include basic daily activities or more complex activities like work/school/childcare, etc., and OTs can teach you how to live with your condition (whether voices and/or pain). I understand that you are dealing with high stress levels that correspond to the voices, and OTs can help provide very individualized treatment plans that fit your wants and needs so that you still live your best possible life (forgive the cheesiness there). Let me know what you think. I wish you all the best!

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    so glad your psych is so good. 20 years is a long time and you and her have a good rapport built up and she knows you well. i hope my psych dr barry stays with me for 20 years. sorry your back was acting up. sometimes docs think they know everything, you should have given that resident a smart ass answer. XX

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