Afternoon Blog

Afternoon Blog

I’m having a rough day. I woke up early in the morning. Went back to sleep around 0600 and then woke up around 1000. Was able to make breakfast without too much difficulty and then made coffee. The coffee energized me so I decided to read the psychology book, “Explorations in Personality”. I had to stop reading it in the middle of a page last night because there were no breaks and I was too tired to read the 5-6 pages to get to one. I read it to my despair. I tried to understand the language they were using but this book is over my fricken head. So I am just going with the flow of it. When I did come to a break, I decided to get dressed and pick up my prescriptions. I was feeling okay. Until I walked half a block and then the pain started. I continued my walk but it was too much. By the time I reached Walgreens, I was in so much discomfort it wasn’t funny. And why do they have the pharmacy always in the back of the store?? The extra walking really tired me out.

I walked home with ease but I was still hurting. Despite it being cold out, I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back into my room. I thought I was fine once things settled down and I was comfortably in my bed with my feet up. Now my toes are smarting really bad. It feels like I hammered them all day long and the bones, 3 metatarsals under my last 3 toes are killing me to no end. I must have pulled on the pereoneal tendon while walking home and didn’t realize it because that is where it smarts. I just took a pain pill to quiet things down. I went downstairs to watch the pathetic Caroline/Seattle game and eat some pizza. Wrong move. What was worse was going down to my sister’s apartment to talk to her about my disability and about my student loan paperwork. She said that I had nothing to worry about, that I am still seeing doctors and such that can prove that I am disabled. We were talking about my MRI and possible surgery. Well, that brought my anxiety through the roof, which activated the damn voices. They are once again calling me every name in the book as well as saying I am just a lazy ass and not disabled. And that I am a fake. Meanwhile my foot is flaring up to no end, which is causing my PTSD symptoms to flare. Yea, I am a faker alright. I texted my therapist saying that if I can’t get the voices under control by next week, I am going in the hospital. I am getting so damn exhausted struggling all the damn time with this. It’s gone on for too long. I know it’s my fault, I should have taken the PRNs to nip it in the bud when it first started. But I have a hard time knowing when I am in a psychotic break and when I am not. My first clue should have been when the voices weren’t my normal ones. You ever see the Charmed episode where Leo is haunted by the others (can’t think of their name right now). How they were just swirling around him as they were talking to him? That is what these voices are like, swirling around me so that even my normal voices can’t break through. But everything is in hindsight now. I don’t think my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital but I am getting more and more terrified as these voices continue. I might just do what they want just to shut them up.

I did take a trilafon last night, too. But they only work for so long. It’s not a long acting form. I think they last 6 hours top, but I would have to look it up as it’s been so long since I have been on it. I just hope I don’t need more of the trilafon because my psychiatrist will flip out. I don’t think she has mastered how to do prescriptions with the new system. I have 7 pills left. I hope I don’t have to use many to get the voices under control.

I filled my pill box when I got home from the pharmacy. I figured why not as it needed to be done and with my psychosis semi-out of hand, I needed to be sure to take the abilify. It didn’t help a couple of weeks ago when I missed a few days. I probably wouldn’t be as psychotic if I took it continuously. I really messed up and can’t help blaming myself for my predicament. Getting the SSD paperwork really messed me up. But my sister said that it’s because of the false claims in New York where there were fraudulent cases that everyone is being reviewed. Didn’t help my stress levels to hear this. As much as she tried to reassure me that it were people who hasn’t seen a doctor since their disability was claimed, I am still nervous about being rejected. And the voices telling me I am going to be rejected is just screwing with me. It did help that my psychiatrist said that I have a good case because I had CES twice. But what bothers me is that my psychiatrist nor my therapist have received paperwork from SSD to support my claim. They will gladly sign off on it, but they need the paperwork to do so. Maybe when they get the general release from my hospital the paperwork from my psychiatrist is in there. I don’t know. Both my PCP and psychiatrist are in the same facility, though obviously in different departments/locations. I will just feel better once I get an answer.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Afternoon Blog

  1. My thoughts are with you. I’m glad your sister is nearby for support.

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