Overtired to the Max

Overtired to the Max

I have been up since 0500. For the last two hours, I have been trying to sleep, but the events of the day keep creeping in my head and I can’t sleep. Plus the damn wind has kicked up a few hundred notches so it’s shaking my side of the house. Just fucking wonderful. I really envy my mother who can sleep through anything and fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I am feeling better but I am hungry. I am too scared to go down the stairs because I don’t want the dizziness to return. I know I will be starving in the morning. But I will make an egg burrito and that should keep me satisfied.

I emailed my psychiatrist to get a refill on the medication that I need. I thought about telling her about my syncope/vertigo episode but she is out of the office and I was afraid she would want me to go to the ER or something. I want to see if taking all my meds tonight helps. But this feeling of being overtired is making me sick, literally. I feel so nauseous.

I don’t know why I feel like an asshole, but I do. I can’t get the stupid events out of my head from today and I feel like an idiot because of the way I acted, even though I didn’t think I acted out of line. GGGRRRRR. It’s driving me crazy.

I texted my therapist to tell her about the events and how I was feeling. I told her I wanted to talk to my psychiatrist. Then I remembered her pager is probably signed out to another clinician, which doesn’t help me much. All I can do is email her and hope she gets it. I am kind of annoyed that she is out of the office. I understand that a family member is sick and she needs to take care of that person. I just feel shafted because I haven’t seen her in more than a month and there is no indication that she is coming back to the office soon. I miss her and need to talk to her face to face or via telephone not email. I am just frustrated and irritable right now. Even the wind is pissing me off.

I put on my whisperer thingy. It helps my brain to shut down. I don’t know why it works, but I am usually asleep within 15 minutes of listening to it whoosh. That with the Ativan I took, should knock me out and I swear if I wake up before 0600 tomorrow I am going to be really pissed. I have been up almost 19 hours straight. I really would like at least six hours or more of sleep.

I think I need to go back to my repro endo doc because as much as I really like having facial hair, growing it without taking testosterone is concerning me. I had an incidentaloma on my pituitary gland a few years ago. It wasn’t significant at the time but now that more hair is growing, I am getting a little freaked out that it has grown. I have to take a shower tomorrow, as long as I am not dizzy so will shave my face again. I also need to get a haircut.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “Overtired to the Max”

  1. oh i do hope the doc apt about the facial hair turns out ok. its hard when you cant sleep, its almost 5 AM here now and I’ve been up most the night, i slept early in the evening so now cant sleep at all. ug. so annoying. X

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