Holy Fucking Cold

Holy Fucking Cold

It’s freezing out today. I should have stayed home but I had to fix my father’s pills. Only reason I am doing it today rather than tomorrow is in case I needed to call a refill to his doc’s office. He was not in the mood to see me. He is still mad at me. I could care less. I did what I had to do, emptied his trash for him, and then left. I missed the bus because the elevator took forever to get to his floor. He doesn’t have the world’s fastest elevator but still. Four minutes wait plus the walk to the station and the bus was gone.

I felt unmotivated to do all that I did today but I got out of the house. I made coffee this morning but made the mistake of eating a banana. Coffee and bananas don’t mix, just to let you know. It left me with a sour stomach and I couldn’t finish my coffee.

I emailed my psychiatrist, again, to get a time for us to meet. She is finally back in the office. This is the last time I am emailing her for an appointment. She doesn’t respond, oh well. I really don’t care. I guess you can say I have the case of the fuck its. I weighed myself this morning and am down another two pounds. Don’t really know how that happened as I have been eating. Maybe I just haven’t been eating enough. Not that it matters. I still can lose like 70 lbs so what is two more? I guess the stress of not having to worry about losing is actually working now that I don’t have a PCP isn’t pressuring me every month. I have an appointment with my new PCP in a week and a half. I thought about canceling it because the dizziness is gone but I really want to meet her and at least know her face and she can know me. Despite losing this weight, I was still a little dizzy walking my usual route and got out of breath. I know I haven’t been out in a couple of days but being out of breath is not a good sign. I also felt a little racy heart wise. All I need is a cardiac condition. I am due for it. All the studies show that depression leads to cardiac problems. I will die if this happens or maybe I will wait for the big MI to kill me. Will save me some trouble.

My mood is still kind of suicidal. I just wish I was dead. I have no plans that I can act on. I have no impulse to do it, though this morning I thought of putting a plastic bag over my head than go to my father’s. I just feel really rotten and am terrified that the psychache is going to come back. I don’t know if I can handle that pain.

As much I really didn’t want to do it, I ordered Chinese food for dinner tonight. I think I deserve some decent food as my appetite is back, even though my mood sucks. I know I probably won’t eat half of it but that is the beauty of leftovers. I am trying a new place as my favorite place closed more than a year ago. I ordered from Grubhub because it’s easier than ordering on the phone. It’s so easy to just click and click, especially when you are hungry. I didn’t have lunch, but then I usually have a late lunch and dinner anyways.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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