I saw both my therapist and psychiatrist, back to back. Both were a few minutes late. I told my psych about the depression and how hard it’s getting to blog or even take an interest in things. I didn’t tell her my appetite still is poor. It was difficult to talk to her as my thoughts were slow and I would start saying something and then forget what I was saying mid-sentence. She said the sadness was normal. I told her the Zoloft is helping me cope at this point. She wanted to increase it but I told her no. I think it’s starting to make me sick and I don’t want more. If anything I wanted to decrease it but I will stay at my current dose of 50 mg for the time being. I also told her I was also having post nasal drip so that could be contributing to the nausea as well. I haven’t sorted it out yet. I wasn’t nauseous this morning so I am thinking it’s just the post nasal drip that has me sick.
In therapy we talked about going to the hospital. I told her I don’t think I am depressed enough to be admitted because I am not suicidal. My therapist’s fear is that when I have energy back, I will become suicidal. She could tell how tired I was in my voice. She thinks my not eating is reason enough for admission. I told her I would email my psych and see what she thinks. Things were going fine until my sister texted me about my father wanting lozenges. I kind of lost it. Something in me snapped. I don’t get why she couldn’t call the floor if she could call him. I did call but of course you need a bloody doctor’s order for it. I told my sister to get him a bag of Halls for tonight when she sees him. I won’t be seeing him tonight. I am fricken exhausted and my leg is killing me. It’s swollen and my psychiatrist saw that it was swollen. I was scared she was going to send me to the ER but she didn’t. I just really need to stay off it so the swelling has a chance to go down.
My psych emailed me back. She is fine with me being admitted and I can be admitted if I go to the ER. So now I got a choice to make. I will feel guilty. I know this will put added stress on my sisters as I won’t be there, but I do need to get this depression under control. It’s been three and a half months now and no sign that things are going to get better. I think I will be going to the ER where my psych works. It will be difficult because my former coworkers will be running my tox screens and blood tests. Least now the labels don’t have a diagnosis on them anymore. I know they are going to ask “why now, what has changed”? I will just say I feel more hopeless about my future than I did before. Now the question is what the hell do I pack? I have been struggling with this for weeks now. I just don’t know what bag to pack, my suitcase or a backpack.