Sad and Hurting
I had a meeting with my father’s treatment team today. He is improving as well as a dying man can be. They think with time, he will be able to come home once his stamina and strength are back. I went to see him in the afternoon as I needed to sign some papers and give a copy of the health care proxy. When I went to his room and he was sleeping so I just let him be. I didn’t want to get him riled up. Walking to the place from Mass Ave was a doozy. It was a steeper hill than I thought it was. I was able to climb up it but it took a lot out of me. Then I stood for the hour for the bus. My ankle and calves are not happy with me. I know I am going to need extra medication tonight for pain. I already took an Ativan to calm the calf muscles down some. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow and I need to go out to see my psychiatrist. I have the rest of the week to rest. I now know a better way to get to the nursing home than the way I went. I am glad the place is T accessible or I would be screwed to get there. I would have to go with my sister every time and that is annoying.
I only had a cold cut sandwich today for breakfast. I am not hungry for anything except a pastrami sub. I have no idea why that is my comfort food right now but it is. And the thing is, I am running low on funds so I might only be able to get one more and that is it. Sucks living off a monthly check.
I had therapy today. We talked about the Zoloft. I think it’s starting to make me sick but I have Zofran to counteract the nausea. I just have to run it by my psych that it’s ok to take it. I think it’s helping me to cope with all this stress. I don’t want to increase it just yet because if it is making me sick, it will just get worse. I might have to lower the dose. The nausea is worse in the morning then gets better so we’ll just have to see how it plays out. Plus I have post nasal drip that is also worse in the morning so it could be a combination of medication and the PND making me sick.
We also talked about my father for most of the session and my mother’s latest spell. I am just sad that both are sick at the same time. But the good news is that being sad is normal and different than my depression. It’s kind of weird being sad when you are depressed. I am very stressed about my father’s illness and his cognitive decline. He was at the conference call with the treatment team but didn’t understand what was going on. That was part of the reason I didn’t want to wake him up because I knew he would want me to sign him out. And I didn’t want to be the bad guy.
My ankle is throbbing so bad right now and I can’t find my compression bandage wrap thing. You always find it when you aren’t looking for it. I know I need to get another one because the one I have is too tight due to the swelling of my ankle. I think I will need an XL. I need to go to Walgreens because trying to find it online is not as easy as it sounds. You only get a million choices and you really don’t know if it’s really what you are looking for. I already took two pain pills for the throbbing. I hope to sleep in a few hours from now. I really hope the throbbing doesn’t get worse or turn into severe pain. I know I did too much standing today and I am going to pay for it. I just hope I can walk tomorrow so I can see my psychiatrist.
My therapist asked about my writing. I told her about the difficulty of writing my blog some days. Like yesterday it took me an awful long time just to write a little more than 300 words. I had a lot to say but I just couldn’t get my brain to crank out the words with my fingers. I actually did better writing in my journal than typing. Maybe I will do that next time and then try and type what I write. She said to bring this up to my psychiatrist as it’s a symptom of the depression. I don’t know when this cognitive stuff is going to leave me. I thought being on an SSRI would help some of the physical symptoms but it hasn’t. I have low appetite, sleep is affected, energy is affected, I feel guilty most of the time for no reason, also feel worthless, and now the cognitive stuff. It just really sucks. I want to be able to be there for my family but I am declining. I am so tired all the time, even with getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night. I am surprised I had the energy to climb up the hill to the nursing home but now I am totally wiped out. I know tomorrow is going to be worse.