Saturday Blog 53
I got a sympathy card today. What is odd is that it’s from my ex that I haven’t spoken to in more than ten years. I have no idea how she got my addressed or changed my name as it was addressed to my current name. If she is reading this blog, that would explain some things but not all. Just creepy if she is keeping tabs on me after all this time.
I made coffee today. I was trying to enjoy it by reading my Dostoevsky book but my mother needed me to clean the bathroom drain. Yea, that was fun. I nearly gagged when I seen what was under the strainer. It was pretty gross. Of course, I have no idea when the last time it was cleaned. Probably never. The hard part was putting the damn screws back in the drain cover. Things wouldn’t go in flush like they did before. I didn’t want to strip the screw so I just left it as is. My brother in law can sort it out. My leg nearly gave way from crouching down. Then when I got in a kneeling position, my calf cramped. I said fuck it and gave up.
I still have my stupid menses. I am hoping tomorrow I can go back to mens underwear because wearing female underwear really irritates me in more ways than one. I just find it very uncomfortable as I am not used to wearing them. I think I would kill myself just for that reason alone.
The voices are still active so I paged my psychiatrist. I wasn’t going to but I got static going on in my brain and I am almost out of trilafon. I have two pills left so I need to ration it. I don’t see her till Friday. I don’t know how long these breakthrough psychotic symptoms are going to be around. I am also feeling agitated for no reason. Maybe the Zoloft is causing some of this but I think it’s more of a reaction to the grief that I am feeling. That coupled with the flashbacks I had earlier this week and I am on a fucking roll. I just hope my psych doesn’t want me to go to the ER. I would be stuck as there are no buses to the Square today or tomorrow and I don’t want to ask my sister for a ride to the hospital. I really don’t want to be hospitalized anyway. The most they are going to do is drug me up so I don’t feel anything. I can do that at home. I just need more trilafon to make it happen. The only down side to this is I won’t be able to read like I was hoping to because trilafon messes with my thinking. It kills ALL the voices including my reading voice. Without this voice, the words in the book are just words without meaning. I might as well just be reading a dictionary or something. It’s hard to explain. There just isn’t a narrative going on that gives me insight into what I am reading. I can read the words but they are just words on a page. It is boring and dull without the voice reading to me. It’s been that way all my life having this voice. It is male even if the author of the book is female, though come to think of it, I mostly read male authors so that might be why.
If my psych calls me, I will tell her I need a refill of the trilafon. I know she doesn’t want me to take it with the abilify but I need something with these breakthrough symptoms. I am very careful not to take too much. Hell, the script I have is more than a year old so that should give you some idea on how much I use it. And it was for 30 pills. I have two left. I thought I had more than that but I don’t. I could use the Ativan to calm down the agitation but Ativan wouldn’t help the static going on in my head. I have a shit load of voices talking all at once. It’s like a radio going on in my head at a party where you hear the murmurs of people talking but can’t quite make out what the hell they are saying. It’s hard to think with all the noise. I was listening to my music through headphones and that helped a little bit.
I had lunch with my youngest sister today. She made burgers, raviolis, and fries. It was really good. She cooked the burgers on the grill despite the rain. I love grilled burgers. They just taste so much better than fried. We didn’t talk like I was hoping to because my brother in law was doing paperwork in the kitchen. I just ate, showed her the letter I wrote for the hospice group and left. She said the letter was fine. My other sister thought so too, though she was wondering who I was sending it to. Sometimes she isn’t all there.
I was going to go to Walgreens today but decided not to. My ankles were really hurting me last night and I must have gone up and down the stairs a million times today. I am just going to spend the rest of the time on my laptop keeping track of the Sox game. They were leading 4-0 but the Twins tied the game. Our rookie pitcher gave up the lead. I am not too happy right now.