I just woke up from a three hour nap. It wasn’t planned but I was just so tired. Now it’s close to midnight and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I keep thinking about the ex that wrote to me. There was no return address so I have no idea where she is living. The post mark is Boston but that doesn’t mean anything. The Boston zip code was cut off so I don’t know what part of Boston she mailed the card. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more complicated, she shows up in my life. I hope I don’t hear from her again.
My psych called me back. She thinks I have a low level psychosis going on. She isn’t too worried about it. She think it will pass with time. I forgot to tell her I need a refill of trilafon. She doesn’t want me to take more than 4 mg/day. That is fine. I really don’t think I will need to take more unless I am really in a bad spot. But I will call her first. I took my meds early tonight, which is why I was so sleepy. I wanted to take the abilify so I could get some relief from the voices. I told my psych that it’s like static in my brain right now, like they are just mumbling and I can’t make out what they are saying. She says to try and listen to music and take the trilafon. Also to page her if things get worse. I see her on Friday. She was appreciative of me calling her. I only call her when I need to, outside our scheduled appointments. She is good about it. She knows I am having a hard time with the loss of my father.
My psych thinks that things are harder for me because I essentially have mental illness. It would be difficult for anyone losing a parent but with me, it’s harder because I have the depression and psychosis. She thinks it will pass with time. I hope it’s fast because I don’t like being psychotic. It scares me, especially when the voices want me to take more medication than I need to. Like tonight I had to take some Neurontin. I took two pills and the voices were like “take 4”. I didn’t need four pills. I am not in that much pain. I just needed at least 600 mg (2 300 mg capsules). I always feel like every decision I make needs to be “cleared” by the voices before I take action. It’s so annoying. Usually I ignore it but lately that has been very difficult. They are just harping on me left and right.