Random 667

Random 667

I saw my neurologist today. It was more of a catch up appointment as I wasn’t really having too much nerve pain. I told her it had quieted down a month after my father’s death. She already knew so I didn’t have to tell her. I was grateful because I wasn’t sure how I was going to be if I had to tell her. I told her about the New York Times article, which I thought I sent her but I guess I didn’t because she doesn’t recall it. So I sent it to her this evening when I came home.

It took me a long time to get home than it did getting there. My ankle was a mess by the time I got home. I am glad I took my cane with me. I am in wicked pain and tomorrow I have to go out again. I don’t have to do much walking.

I should have taken a trilafon before leaving the house but I didn’t want to be drowsy. Big mistake. I got really paranoid and psychotic while on the bus and on the train. When I got to the new station I put my music on and it helped with the noises in my head. I knew I had a long train ride so I brought my Kindle. I read on the way to the appointment, which helped quiet down the voices more. By the time I reached my appointment, I was less paranoid. It helped that the train didn’t have that many people on it. I was going toward the end of the line anyways. Coming back home was a different story. Crowds were on the train as people were coming home from work and the places they were visiting. I was kicking myself for not bringing any meds with me.

I was starving by the time I reached home. I ordered a pastrami sub and fries. My mother bought me Oreo ice cream. I had a couple spoons and that was all I could stomach. I got pretty full off the fries. Oreos are my true cookie weakness. I had bought three packages of Oreo thins and I am down to my last pack. They are like potato chips, you can’t eat just one.

I forgot to tell my neuro about the atypical migraines. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if I get another one. I had a rough night sleeping. I went to bed around 2200 or a bit later and then woke up around midnight. I checked messages on my phone. I meant to take some meds because my arms were spazzing on me for some reason and felt like spaghetti. I rolled over on my back and fell asleep. I then woke up three hours later with my back hurting me. I can’t sleep on my back for this reason. I took some meds and waited for them to work.

While I was up, I wrote FB a message of what I just described. A friend in California texted me a little after I sent the message. It was almost 0400 and I had no idea who would be texting me at that hour. It was her. She had some news to tell me. So we talked for about an hour or until I got really drowsy from the meds. It was close to 0500 when I went back to sleep. When I woke up later this morning, I so needed coffee. I made my Pike’s and it was so good. I was contemplating going to Starbucks when I reached the Square on the way home but the bus was there and I really wanted to get home to take some pain meds. My ankle was not too happy with me. I forgot I had turned my phone’s sound off while I was at the doctor’s office. I had a missed call from my friend. She didn’t leave a message so I didn’t call her back. I am sure I will talk to her later tonight.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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