errands and therapy

Errands and therapy

I woke up at 0300 in pain and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I thought about staying up but it was too early to be up all day. So I went back to sleep around 0600 only to wake up about three hours later. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I thought about cancelling therapy or at least rescheduling but I didn’t. I took a shower and that further exhausted me. I rested for a bit. I had to go to the bank and drop off my jeans to the tailors to be fixed.

I got dressed and made my way to the bank. It was slow going and I had to stop at the bus stop to rest for a few minutes. I went to the bank and did what I had to do. I then walked down to the tailor’s shop about three blocks away. I was getting so tired, I didn’t think I was going to make it home. I dropped off my jeans and had to register for the computer system. It’s been a long while since I was last there. I walked home and at another bus stop, I stopped to rest for a few minutes. I came home and was dragging. I didn’t want to go back out. I just wanted to nap the rest of the day. My legs were killing me. My ankle was sore (bad one). I finally managed to get to my room and I crashed. I drank an Ensure with my pain meds and tried to nap. Course, it was close to the time I had to leave so I couldn’t fall asleep. I just rested for about a half hour.

I got dressed again and went to the bus stop to go to the Square. My Bluetooth headphones were giving me grief. They kept on skipping while playing the songs. I tried everything I knew and nothing was working. I went to my bank to deposit the money I took from the other bank. I had to pay a bill. I went to Starbucks and got my espresso. I didn’t feel like having anything else. I uninstalled the MP3 player, thinking it was the reason the songs were skipping. I installed a new music player and was having the same issue. Now it was either the connection or the headphones. I was too tired to figure it out. I wrote in my journal and then left for therapy.

I am starting to think this guy is not for me. We are just talking and it doesn’t seem like he cares at all about my problems or suicidality. I discussed the blog post I wrote yesterday about the new diagnosis and told him it fits me. We talked about it but didn’t. He noticed my mood was low and I told him I was frustrated because I now have to wear diapers, my family isn’t supportive around my medical or psych issues, and I just want to kill myself for the hell of it. Some how we ended up talking about baseball and the session was over. See you next week. Meanwhile I am wondering what the hell just happened. I am getting frustrated by this guy. He doesn’t want to use any psychometrics or assessments in my suicidality. I am having a hard time with this.

I left his office feeling like “what the fuck am I doing”? I was really hungry. I have been on this liquid protein diet all day but didn’t have any protein other than the soy I put in my espresso. I couldn’t decide if I wanted a burrito or not. The bus came so I just went home. I restarted my phone and the Bluetooth glitch fixed itself. I went to Walgreens because my mother wanted a few items that were on sale. I got a protein bar so I wouldn’t cheat on my diet. I ate it on the way home and then had another Ensure. I am feeling full and sleepy right now. I met the protein requirement for the day with 40 calories to spare. I’m taking my meds early and going to try and sleep early. I just hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night in pain, again. I knew it was going to throw me off. But I did a lot despite being sleep deprived. Tomorrow I am just going to rest (or try to). I am in a lot of pain right now as my ankle is screaming at me. If I hit being overtired, I am screwed.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

2 thoughts on “errands and therapy”

  1. you did a ton despite the tiredness. that is so inspiring. if you can push yourself despite the pain, I can, too. I hope you find a better fit for therapy soon. i’d be frustrated too. xxx

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