Diets and other things
I had a hard time sleeping because of pain and the voices. The voices started up around 1800 last night and they were telling me people were out to get me, they hated me, and were trying to steal my thoughts. I became really anxious so I called my psych, who told me to take some Ativan. I had taken a strong pain pill and I think that is why my sleep was disrupted. My psych wanted me to call her today.
I didn’t stick to my diet today. I just ate what I wanted. I wasn’t planning on going out today but I wanted a burrito so I went to the Square and got one. Then I went to Starbucks to eat it and have my espresso and write a little bit. I tried writing for about a half hour with my new pen. It was a fine point and wrote smooth. I liked it but I prefer my medium point. I saw my bus go by and checked my watch. The next bus was coming so I left to go to the bus stop.
I went to Walgreens for my mother and they still didn’t have what she wanted so I got a raincheck for the item. I got some instant pasta so I could have it for supper. My mother called me to say she was making spaghetti. I will just have the pasta tomorrow. I hate skipping my diet but I wanted real food. Just having liquid protein is tough. I made it through yesterday okay but I was starving when I woke up at 0230 this morning. I had another Ensure and tried to go back to sleep.
I was on Twitter for most of the day. I saw that the Star Trek Twitter had posted a game from Think Geek. It’s a Monopoly game with a Klingon theme. I want it really bad! I think it will be fun to play with my nieces and nephew. I will get it when my check comes in next.
My ankle is still fucking hurting really bad. I am tempted to take another strong pain pill as I can’t take my regular meds for the next couple of hours. I took Neurontin this morning to keep the burning away. I feel groggy from it and the espresso helped but I am feeling really sleepy now that I am home. My psych called me back and I told her about the stressors that contributed to my psychosis yesterday. I would write about it but I am being watched so I can’t talk about it.
I didn’t have any sweets today though I really wanted to get a donut at Starbucks. I am trying to lay off junk food and sweets. It’s hard because I like those things.
I caved in and took a strong pain pill. I couldn’t help it. The pain is getting worse and I am going nuts from it. My suicidality is increasing because of it. I figure if I stop the pain, the suicidality will go down. I just want to end my life anyway, just for the hell of it. Just try it and see what happens. I die, I die. If I live, I live. I don’t fricken care. I just want to get the devil out of my system.
I think tomorrow, if I am not hungover or in really bad pain, I will change my sheets. The sheets I have on now keep coming off the bed, which is annoying me. The stupid foam topper keeps shifting and I don’t know why, which takes the sheet with it. I have had to adjust the thing every other day and I am getting tired of it!