having a rough time

Having a rough time

I have been in pain all morning. I needed to get my pain meds so I just went out to do that and holy fucking hell broke loose. BOTH ankles are hurting as well as my bad foot/toes. I am home now and going to medicate and relax the rest of the day. I feel bad that I was supposed to see my friends south of Boston but there is no way I can make the journey. I just hurt too much.

I am so flipping tired. It’s really hot today but the end of the week is going to be hotter. I wore shorts and my brace was rubbing against me. It made my calf hurt while I was walking around or even while I was sitting. I don’t know why this is because I never felt that way before. I think it’s just because I am so tired from being in pain all the time.

I seemed to have misplaced my house keys. I know I came into the house on Friday and what I did with them after I came into the house is a mystery. I can’t find them anywhere. It’s really bugging me. I have a spare key that I carry in my wallet in case I lock myself out of the house. I have done that numerous times. I have been using that but I miss having my rewards cards for the different stores I go to. I really hope I find them.

I took a shower when I got up this morning. It started the downhill slide but I pushed through it to get to my PCP’s office and the pharmacy. I keep thinking of suicide. I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her things weren’t good. I am just tired of being in pain and just existing. I am getting so sick of it. I’m sick of my feet being cold all the time and then burning hot when they warm up. I am tired of being tired all the time when I don’t do much activity. I am tired of missing out on social visits because my pain is too bad for traveling. I really just want to die and don’t see a reason for living. It’s just not worth it.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

3 thoughts on “having a rough time”

  1. I can see why you feel its not worth it to hold on. I care. I’m not going to tell you things will get better because that’s jus not what you want to hear I know. but just know someone out here cares, I hate to see you in so much pain. xoxo

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