pain, espresso, and a haircut

Pain, espresso, and a haircut

I woke up in pain, again. It’s starting to happen every morning and does not go away despite me doing things like make breakfast or going out. I was going to stay in today so I took some Neurontin with my pain meds. I then went downstairs to make breakfast. I didn’t feel like making coffee at home so I decided to go out to the Square and then get a haircut.

I left my house and my cousin was outside. He gave me a ride to the Square so I didn’t have to take the bus. I was grateful because I didn’t know when the Neurontin was going to kick in. I got my espresso and then went to the barber shop.

I drank my coffee as I waited for my barber. He was with another customer but I was next in line so I didn’t mind waiting. The coffee kept me awake. He cut my hair very short, a military style cut and I loved it. I had to wait a half hour for the bus so I went to Chipotle for lunch.

The bus was late and then was further delayed because there was a blind man exiting the bus and needed help maneuvering around the bus depot. A few passengers helped him get to where he wanted to go. Then people boarded the bus. The bus driver was heavy on the gas, which made me nervous. It also made me seasick as she kept having to put the brakes on each stop. I sat when my stop came up because my foot was already screaming at me and I didn’t want the extra exertion of weight bearing to keep my balance.

As soon as I got to my house, the thunderstorms started. I got in just in time for a downpour. It cooled off a little bit but it was still humid. I went to my room to cool off before taking a shower. I waited at least an hour and then I took a cool shower. I went back to my room and my foot completely had a fit. It started cramping and then while I was putting on my PJs, it exploded in pain. I had to put thermal socks on because it got ice cold. I took some Ativan and more pain meds. I am pretty sleepy now and plan on taking a nap, if the pain calms down enough. I had to take a strong pain pill after the foot explosion because I couldn’t take more regular pain meds. I am so depressed. I really wanted to kill myself but it’s too hot for me to travel to where I want to go. I thought about texting my therapist but I didn’t want to bother him. I also thought about paging my psych but she is booked and I don’t know when she’d be able to call me back. I really don’t want to go to the hospital anyways. I just want my damn pain to be controllable. Putting on clothes shouldn’t be a trigger for more pain.

My mother made grilled cheese for dinner. She served pickles with them. Every time I bit into it, the pickle juice went down the wrong pipe and I choked. That was great! Then my foot really cramped up while putting the paper dishes in the trash. I am just so annoyed that I am in so much pain. I am not getting up for anything except taking my meds later on and using the bathroom if I need to. I will listen to the ball game tonight if I am awake enough. I really need a nap.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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