Painsomia and me

Another night of pain. My foot and ankle are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I’m really tired and want to sleep but I just hurt too bad. I’ve taken all that I can right now. I might take an ativan to see if that helps.

I’m really thinking about suicide. I can’t help it. I feel so rotten. I don’t know what the point is to keep going. I really just don’t want to be this way anymore. I’ve tried to get help but no one wants to. I just keep getting the run around. See this doc,who sends me to this doc, who sends me to yet another doc. It is like a passing game. Mean while, my pain is through the pain roof. I get pain anxiety attacks. And then people wonder why I get suicidal. 

I put my compression sock on. It helped the hammering pain of my malleolus. But then the pain that was shooting down to my foot returned. I can’t keep up with the changing pain. 

I’m probably going to sleep most of the day,which means I probably won’t be making the phone calls I need to make. I need to make them this week. I am scared to do it. It will only make my plan more real.

Because I cancelled my appt with my therapist, it will be the 2nd week I’ve missed him. Last week he was off. I don’t know if I should continue with him. I don’t see the point. Like why bother if I am just going to die. I can just talk in the meantime about stuff. He isn’t a structured therapist.he pretty much just goes with the flow. I like it but sometimes it is annoying.  

I’ve been keeping a draft about my deep dark stuff. I wrote about it when I am really feeling despair. I been writing in the dates I modify it. I don’t know if I will publish it. I want to add a few more paragraphs to it. Then I think I will. It will be password protected so “hero”jerks don’t call the cops on me.

Ativan is kicking in. Thanks for reading. 😊 

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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