Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Sunday Blog 11072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, transgender

Sunday Blog 11072021

I didn’t do much today. I was talking with my mother this morning. She was complaining about how she has hairs on her face and she needs to shave. I told her she should grow a beard like me and that is when she said she didn’t understand why I grew I beard. I couldn’t deal so went to my room without saying anything. I watched an episode of Community and tweeted the situation. I then wrote my mother a letter that I sent off to my therapist before giving it to her. I laid out the boundaries and said that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to basically respect my pronouns and name change. It’s been three years that I have been out to her and I have been very patient. But I can’t go on with the negativity and hurt.

I took a nap in the afternoon. I still am feeling sleepy. I don’t know if I have an infection or not but I seem to be peeing like every 2-3 hours. I am drinking a lot. I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately. Trying to avoid the afternoon naps. Sometimes I am successful. Most times I am not. Usually two cups a day is my limit.

I filled my med boxes for the week and as I was closing the morning med box, it slipped and tipped over. I had pills all over my bed. Fuck. I hate when that happens. I sorted out the meds, again. I had an egg sandwich for lunch. I haven’t had dinner. I am not really hungry. I also don’t know what to eat. I am thinking a bowl of cereal. I don’t feel like cooking.

a muggy but cool Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A muggy but cool Saturday

I had a shitty sleep as I kept on waking up to pee. I was also hot so I turned on the AC. I took my morning meds late and then had coffee. Only thing I have to do today is go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I am waiting for one of them to be done before I go.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I was in pain and I was wicked tired. I pretty much just slept the whole day. I know it was because I did a lot on Thursday. I still can’t believe the CRPS is spreading. I just hope it doesn’t go up my leg. I still feel pretty down about it. I told my youngest sister and she texted me at 4 am with treatment options from the UK. I know a lot of people in the UK with CRPS and they haven’t been helped much by the treatment. It is only good if you get it within the first year of diagnosis.

I’ve been watching community and realized it is such a hetero show. It is funny though, but in a stupid way. I have no idea why I am continuing to watch it. But it breaks up the monotony of my day so I guess I will watch it until the end.

I am really tired today. I am having my second cup of coffee to try and wake up. Usually a second cup does ward of the tireds. I am still waiting for the pharmacy to let me know my prescription is ready. I might just go after I finish my coffee. It has been in process for a few hours now.

I am listening to Taylor Swift again. I can only go so long without hearing her. It has been ages since I last heard Mary Chapin Carpenter. My music changes. I am supposed to be working on the suicidal thoughts workbook but I can’t seem to open it. It is dealing with pain and I just can’t deal right now. It is hard to write about.

PT really helped my back. I feel like I can move without pain now. I haven’t had cramps when I stand. Today when I go out will be the test. I am not having PT this week due to scheduling issues. I am meeting with my surgeon this week to go over pre op stuff. I am also meeting with my psychiatrist after a few schedule changes. I am going to ask him about a medication change for depression. The citalopram just isn’t working for me like I hoped it would. I could go up on the dose as I am on a medium dose right now. But I don’t know if I want to do that. There isn’t anything new out there that I haven’t tried. The medication the neurologist wants me to try might cause nausea. I hate nausea.

bad news

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Bad news

Today has been a rough day. It started at 6am when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had to get up and shower anyway so I got up and had a cup of coffee. I then showered which flared up my back. That took forever to calm down. I didn’t want to take a Zanaflex because I knew it would make me sleepy. Once it calmed down enough so I could get dressed, I called an uber and went to my appointment. I was thankful I did this because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to walk to the bus stop and then walk to the building I needed to go to with my back being the way that it is.

There was traffic but I made it to my appointment in time. The doctor was running late. About a half hour after my appointment was to start, she called me in her office. I explained why I was there and thought the CRPS was spreading to my shin. She took a history and then examined me. She confirmed that it was CRPS and went over medication options which were not many. She said an SNRI might help the pain but I would need my psychiatrist to prescribe it as it is a psych med. I see him next week so will talk to him about it.

I feel devastated that the CRPS has spread. Right now it is flaring up because of all the walking I did today. In the afternoon I had PT and got dry needled in my back. I hope that this works in calming down the spasms and cramping I get when I try and do stuff.

Today has been a long day and it has been really difficult. I am angry that it took so long for me to get diagnosed with CRPS and now it is spreading because I couldn’t treat it within the time frame of when it started. I am now left to deal with pain every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life. Makes me so mad that I saw more than 20 doctors in and out of Boston and no one was willing to tell me I had CRPS because it wasn’t a typical presentation. My PCP at the time kept sending me to doctors to find out what was wrong because he just thought it was a mechanical issue with my ankle. All the while I was working my ass off, 50-60 hours a week between two jobs. Once I had to go into the AFO I had to stop one of the jobs and then four months later I was deemed disabled. And I still didn’t have a diagnosis of CRPS. That didn’t come until five years later. It took 8 fucking years to get a diagnosis. 8! A bone scan proved I had it. It was in my damn bones in my foot and ankle. Now it is in my shin which is the large bone in the lower leg called the tibia. I wonder if the new neuro would order a bone scan to confirm CRPS in the bone again.

I sent a message to my therapist and psych about the spread. I haven’t told my psychiatrist yet. I will when I see him next week. I hope by then the correct time I am supposed to see him is in the patient web thingy. Right now whoever does his schedule has me seeing twice and one of the times is booked when I am seeing another doctor.