Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Letting go of a blankie

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, PTSD, recurrent major depressive disorder, suicidality

In keeping with what I wrote yesterday about suicide and future planning, I tweeted this gem “As someone with lived experience, it is hard to let go of the familiar pain. It can be comforting sometimes because it is all we know. Changing or letting go of the pain can be painful in itself. It’s like letting go of a blankie. Hope this makes sense.”

I’ve had horrible insomnia today. I woke up at 1 am and could not go back to sleep. I was able to rest for about an hour. I’ve been keeping my bladder on a 3 hour schedule so I am not overfull and the urge to go isn’t horrible. It has made cathing easier. Because I was up so early, I decided to get my blood drawn for my Testosterone level. It just came back as 294 so I think my doc will be pleased. I have to tell her to give me two vials at a time because one vial just doesn’t work for the dose I need. I used my last refill today.

I made more appts with my PT today. She doesn’t have time next week to see me so I am off a week. I hope she dry needles me tomorrow in my back because today they were flaring big time. I was so miserable as my ankle has been in a flare for more than 24 hours now. I’ve been taking zanaflex around the clock to try and keep the spasms at bay but it might as well be a sugar pill I am taking for all the good it is doing.

I’ve been wicked thirsty today. It is hot and muggy. I had my Starbucks 4 shots espresso with soy milk. It was so good. That has been the only caffeine I have had today. I need to shower but I have no energy. I also need to brush my teeth. I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. Need to find out why I am having jaw pain.

I see a new neurologist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous. Hope she can help figure out the shin pain I’ve been having. Hope it isn’t a CRPS spread. That is what I am worried about as the area is swollen. Just hope she doesn’t want to change pain meds on me. I will be taking an Uber there as I don’t want to expend my energy too much as I have PT in the afternoon. Around noon I am getting my haircut. Got to keep the side and back buzzed at all times.

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.

My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.

I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.

Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.

random stuff 05072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Clearing out stuff and watching shows

I spent the morning watching Community on Netflix. I woke up around 4 am and watching it till about 6am then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I had my coffee around 10 when I woke up. I watched some more episodes and it has been a lazy kind of day today.

I took out a steak for dinner. I want to grill it so I am going to have my sister show me how to operate her grill. I made quiche for lunch. It was so good. I had my second cup of coffee. My sister made beets and squash so I had some of that. My mother is making escarole soup. It is a cool day today. Nice weather.

After lunch I got bored so went through one of my bins that I have in the hallway. I had a sheets at the bottom of the pile that I threw in the wash. They were all dusty and I don’t know how long they have been in there. I have found some comp notebooks and quite a few notepads and journals. I also found some coloring books. My sister saw one and claimed it. LOL one way to get rid of stuff.

My brother in law hasn’t been feeling good with his sinuses the past week. He still hasn’t put in my new AC because he doesn’t feel good. I feel bad for him but he won’t go to the doctor to get checked out. He is stubborn. My back is hurting from standing for the minutes I spent trying to clear out the hamper. I tried using a tennis ball to work out the knots and it hurt so bad. I think I am going to tell the PT I want dry needling done. I think it will help a whole lot. It really helped my shoulder pain.

I was grilling for the first time. I made a steak. It was good and tender. My brother in law said that he would put in the AC tomorrow after work. I am glad because it is going to get hot and muggy again later in the week.

I am seeing a new neurologist this week. I hope she is open and knows her stuff. She also does palliative care so I think she will be a good doctor for me. I have therapy tomorrow. I just realized that if I go to the weight clinic to lose the weight I need for top surgery, I would have to put suicide on the back burner and I am not ready to do that.

trauma comes when you least expect it

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Trauma comes up when you least expect it

WARNING talk about sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse

I was minding my business today. I was in my room killing time before going out when intrusive memories of my mother abusing me came through my mind. It was a vivid memory with sensory memories too. I remember how she touched me and then put her finger inside of me. I had just finished taking a shower when I was 13 or 14 years old. She noticed that my labia was long and she wanted to exam me. There was nothing wrong with me but in my mother’s warped mind there was. She looked and felt my genitals to her satisfaction and yet still brought me to the doctor. I feel so disgusted about this. I have no idea why I didn’t say no. You don’t think your own mother would harm you. But she did. She had me lay on my bed on my back with my knees up. I shiver when I think about it. She had no right touching me. She had no right looking at me the way she did. She had no right doing what she did. It hurts so much. And this is just one of the times she hurt me.