Author: Midnight Demon

Day of appointments.

Last night my sister was having some issues and wanted me to take her blood pressure. As I was getting the cuff ready, she asked me when my surgery was and I told her. She said she would be away then. I talked to her today about it and she is going out of the country so will not be able to pick me up. I didn’t want to reschedule so I asked a friend if she could pick me up and she can. So one hassle out of the way.

I met with my psychiatrist and he likes the idea of going on the SNRI Pristiq. He said he wants neurology to prescribe it though and then he will take over. UGH. I sent a message to the neuro after our appointment and am waiting to see if this is going to be a battle or not. We also talked about the gender dysphoria around my mother and how it was going. He was curious about the suicidal thought book I have and so I told him it was a good book. I am stuck right now but am working through it with my therapist. We talked about my insomnia and he suggested I try melatonin. I said I would. Not going to hurt any. Only thing that sucks it gives me a hangover the next day.

After my psychiatrist appointment, I had the appointment with the surgeon. She was very thorough and answered all my questions that I had. It went really well. I did have to have a letter from psych saying that I was mentally ok to have the surgery for my well-being. It was a standard of care thing that she needed to have. My psychiatrist sent it off right away after I messaged him. The surgeon is going to be in touch with my PCP about my pain meds. I hope he is receptive to her input.

I have a headache today because it is so fricken muggy. I watched a couple of episodes of Community. I had groceries delivered because I needed half and half. I bought a steak and had it for supper. It was really good. I also had some rice my mother made.

Sox are playing the snakes tonight. Eddie is on the mound so I will be listening. I had a second cup of coffee after I had supper. Just hope this headache doesn’t get worse. It will be good to listen to baseball again. I miss it even though it has only been three days. It is my chief distraction. I was reading the MLB history book I have. I read it during my insomnia last night. I find it so interesting how the teams were formed and how the National League and American Association formed.

A painful rainy day

I had therapy this morning that I didn’t want to go to. I was in a lot of pain and really didn’t feel like talking. It was pouring rain when I got up today. Probably why I was hurting. My neck and leg, ankle, foot were hurting me so damn much. In therapy we talked about the letter I wrote my mother. She said it was clear and good. I told her how I would give it to her and she thought that was ok. I told her I was in pain and she thought that we should come up with a plan to deal with it. I tried getting away from the topic and she got me back on. I hate when she does that. I told her I would take some BT meds and watch the show Community for a bit. It is a good distraction even if the show is stupid.

I gave my mother the letter and she didn’t have much to say other than she will try to do better and she was sorry for making me feel the way I do. So now that that anxiety is over with, I am listening to Taylor Swift Red. I had my second cup of coffee in my Fuck Transphobia mug. I am tired. I feel so worn out. The rain has stopped but it is still cloudy and damp. I am still in pain. I don’t feel like doing much. I had wanted to clear off my bed as shit has collected itself at the foot of my bed again.

I’ve been alternating between voiding on my own and cathing today. If I don’t get a strong urge to pee when I get to the bathroom, I cath. I find that when I do cath I can go longer without peeing than when I void. I have not put the timer or med app on to keep track of peeing. I just have been monitoring how much I drink and then within an hour or so I will go to the bathroom. This is just a strain and another thing to keep in mind during the day and night.

I have a few ideas of what to write in my book. If I didn’t have pain brain fog I would try and write a few hundred words. I brought this up in therapy and not surprising, my therapist wasn’t interested in what I was writing.

It’s the All Star break so the Sox are off the next three days. I am already sad. I guess I will be watching Netflix more. I am craving fries and pastrami so I ordered it for supper. I need to go to the grocery store for some more Gatorade. I also want to pick up some rice as it is on sale. Would love to make zucchini and rice. Maybe I will take out some chicken for tomorrow and make my lemon chicken too.