Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

I didn’t like the ending

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t like the ending

I woke up late this morning but was still on time for therapy. I was able to have a cup of coffee. The session went ok. I told her about the trauma and how I thought my father blamed me for his actions. I realize now that I am not responsible for his actions. I jumped around the session with different things and then my therapist called me on it. I didn’t have much to say about it. I tried different deflections but she still held me to the jumping around. I felt trapped. I told her I found a new show to watch. She said it was a good show (Queen’s Gambit).

I fell asleep after session. I had woken up during the night again because I had to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I thought about taking a melatonin but I didn’t want to have a hangover. I had a sandwich when I got up. It was the first thing I ate all day. My appetite has been up and down the past few days. After I had the sandwich, I had a cup of coffee with some biscuits. Every time I have a cup I want another afterwards. It was just an 8 oz cup. I usually have 10 oz of coffee so can feel a difference. I didn’t have another cup because that would really wire me.

I wanted to go to Starbucks today but I didn’t go. I might go tomorrow after PT. If I can find my backpack. I might bring my laptop. Depends how coordinated I am in the morning as the appointment is in the morning. I have to be ready by 10. Hopefully I will be up at 8 when my med alarm goes off so I can have some breakfast. Just hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again. I hope to be asleep around 10 pm tonight so I can get some sleep. I will empty my bladder before bed so I know that it is empty. If I wake up at 6 to pee at least that is around 8 hours sleep.

It was still a cloudy day today. Rain has been in the forecast again. I have no idea when I will have new AC put in. My brother in law said he would do it yesterday but for much of the day it rained. Just really sucks. I have a new AC sitting on my living room floor. I am glad the old one is still working otherwise I would be screwed because it has been muggy as hell. I have the AC on just to keep the humidity out of my room. I talked to my cousin. He is going to take me grocery shopping on Thurs. I need some Gatorade. I have 64oz bottles but it won’t last till next week when I get paid.

My neurologist agreed to start me on the new medicine. I got to wait for it to be in stock in the pharmacy. Once I have it I will taper the citalopram. Just hope I don’t get sick from it.

Saturday Blog 17072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 17072021

I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I was able to get back to sleep but the disruption cause me to sleep in late. I have been lazy all day. I had two cups of coffee today. I just finished my second cup. I needed it.

I’ve been feeling really down. I have been thinking about past trauma most of the day. Someone had posted on Twitter that you were not at fault. I couldn’t help but think of all the times my father blamed me for his behavior. If I didn’t act the way I did, I wouldn’t have been beaten up. I wouldn’t have been punished.

I finally took a shower. I realized that my gender dysphoria gets in the way of taking one because I hate the way I look naked. I was having a hard time getting in the shower. Once I am in there I go to automatic pilot and close my eyes as I wash my hair. I wash up and don’t really pay attention to what I am doing. I can’t wait for the day to have the things off my chest and I don’t have to wash under them anymore. I hate during the summer the sweat is so awful.

My ankle has flared up. My foot kind of slipped while I was drying off so I think I may have inadvertently flared it up. I already took a BT med so I just need to wait to take my night meds, which will be soon. I plan on listening to the game. We have a rookie in the lineup that is all the buzz.

I’ve been listening to all my songs and Rascal Flatts “Moving On” came on. I haven’t heard this song in forever and it is fitting where I am at right now. I never dreamed where home is not where I belong struck a cord for me. Also the line where they won’t allow me to change. Such powerful lyrics.

a new show on a hot day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

A new show on a hot day

The Sox didn’t play the Yanks last night. Game was postponed due to Covid. Three players tested positive on the New York team. I was so bummed out. I watched a few episodes of Community. I once again had a difficult time sleeping. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. Around 530 I decided to empty my bladder thinking if I did, I would go back to sleep. There wasn’t much in my bladder but I was able to sleep until my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed for another hour before getting up to have my coffee.

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds so I did that. My mother wanted Sweet n Low but they didn’t have it. I ended up ordering it online. I wanted to watch friends when I came back to my room but it is no longer on Netflix. I saw the Queen’s Gambit and am hooked on it. It is extremely well done. I love chess so it is a good show for me. I watch three episodes back to back to back. I just took a break to have lunch and to write this blog. I don’t know if there is a game tonight or not. They are still doing tests.

I had a 2nd cup of coffee and feel wired. I hope it lasts so I can watch more shows. It is such a good distraction. I woke up this morning in pain but as I have been moving about, pain seems to have gone away. My ankle and foot still throbs, but it always does. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not. I hate taking a shower in hot weather when the house is a thousand degrees. I need to shave. I have been putting it off the last few times because I hate doing it. My back always cramps up after a few minutes and it is difficult to take a shower afterwards. Even while walking to the pharmacy my upper back was cramping like crazy. I got to see the PT about it. Maybe she can do some dry needling and fix it like she did my lower back.

Yesterday some people read my blog Don’t call me daughter 2 so I read it. It stayed on topic throughout so I decided to have it included in my book. I am up to 32 pages right now. My goal is to write at least 200 pages. I am writing about my trans and transition experiences.

I’ve been feeling depressed with intermittent suicidal thoughts. I read an article about a clinician who lost a patient to suicide 28 years ago. He talked about how after all this time, we still do not know how to prevent suicides from happening. It awakened in me the thoughts of suicide and the urge to carry on with my plan. I thought about my therapist and how she would react. Would she even care? Then I think about texting her and wondering if she would respond. I am not supposed to contact her in urgent situations. I am supposed to reach out to a hotline or go to the ED. Or I could just act on my urges and say the hell with things. Those are my choices. And only I can choose which one to do. It is a very lonely place.