Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, suicidality

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

I have been having an anxiety attack the past few days. I don’t know what set it off. I was reading an info graphic about the difference between panic attack and anxiety attack. I read it and found I had anxiety I was feeling. Been like this for the past three days. I took some Ativan like my therapist said and did some deep breathing exercises. It helped a little but I am still on edge.

My mother wasn’t well this morning. Her sugar was low but the meter thing didn’t detect it or go off. My sister said she was still off so I took her blood pressure. Her pressure was low and then we found out she was taking an extra fluid pill that affects blood pressure. We called her doctor and told us to take the BP a few times a day each day and then call next week with the readings. I have been taking her blood pressure manually all day. It has not returned to normal. It is still low but she is not having symptoms so I think she is fine. She has been drinking fluids and we gave her some Gatorade to try and get her sugar up as well. I made dinner of chicken with BBQ sauce and rice. It was a good meal for cooking for the first time. I never made it before. I wanted to grill it but I didn’t have access to the grill. I plan on taking my mother’s blood pressure one more time before she goes to bed.

I got aggravated when my sister texted me again to take her blood pressure all so she could go out. I am pissed at this. I told her I wasn’t going to take it until bed time and she pulls this shit. She said she ordered a monitor and good luck with my mother being a good patient with that. I know my sister she will take her BP every fricken hour or every half hour to see if there is a change. Pisses me off because what is she going to do with the readings?? She isn’t a medical professional like I am. I know what to do which is why I had called the cardiologist to find out what to do about my mother’s low pressure. I am sure if it gets lower she will have to go to the hospital for fluids. Doesn’t help she has soft diarrhea like stool.

I am so annoyed. My stomach has been bloated the past few days because I am constipated. I have been taking Miralax since Monday and have not had a movement all week. I took a double dose of Miralax this afternoon. I just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. I feel stuff moving but I still have not had the urge to go. It is frustrating me. To help my anxiety I have been taking Neurontin. Surprisingly I have been ok with a large dose. I haven’t walked into any walls. I just been on edge. My anxiety is getting really bad and I don’t know why. I took my night meds early because I have been up since 0530 and haven’t had a chance to nap all day.

I went grocery shopping and spent over a hundred dollars on food. I bought cold cuts, fruit, yogurt, juice, and my Gatorade but I forgot to buy onions like my mother wanted. I forgot to put them on my list. I brought 4 bags of stuff up the stairs and I was so winded. It took a really long time for me to catch my breath. The bags were not heavy but were heavy enough to cause shortness of breath. I was really fatigued afterwards. I had my mother help me put the things away. Then I ate my ice cream that I bought. It had rum in it but because Covid affected my taste, I couldn’t really taste the rum like before. It was a real bummer.

I have started my taper of citalopram and I think I am going to stop taking antidepressants for a while to see what happens. I have been feeling ok the past few weeks. I know I have had suicidal urges but I haven’t been depressed. People think that you can only have suicidal thoughts if you are depressed and I don’t think that is true. I think suicidal thoughts can be independent of a mood disorder. I firmly believe this.

Resting Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, transgender

Resting Wednesday

I did too much walking yesterday as my legs are sore today. I woke up late because I didn’t want to get up right away. I was tired because I again woke up in the middle of the night. I stayed up till 230 and then went back to sleep. My bladder kept giving me mixed messages when my 2nd med alarm went off, which reminds me I still need to give myself the T shot. I was getting urges and then I would get nothing. So strange. I finally got up around noon after the pre-op anesthesia called me. They called me an hour early and that is ok with me. They give me a list of medications/vitamins that I am not to take the day of surgery. The day I have surgery I am to have my T shot but I will have to give it when I am home from the procedure or the next day. Seeing as I am probably going to be home in the evening and I might not be too with it, I will probably give it the next day.

My aunt was over the house when I got up for my first cup of coffee. I told her I was having a hysterectomy and like my mother, she doesn’t understand why I am having it. She said it was on the inside so no one sees it and I told her that isn’t the point. I don’t want to worry about suddenly getting a period or what not. It is bad enough I am getting cramps and don’t know if they are bladder or uterine in nature.

I am keeping track of how many catheters I use in a day. I have three boxes left and I am not sure if that is enough. I seemed to have gone through a box quickly. It will be important to know because then I can have the NP adjust the amount on my next order for catheters. I sent my pcp a message asking if he got in touch with the surgeon about post op pain management. I want to make sure things are squared away now before the procedure. Just got a response and things will be taken cared of. I am so relieved. I was so worried there was going to be a hassle. But things have been worked out and I will get the pain meds I need for post op. I am so happy right now.

I am writing this in my kitchen as I wanted to have a cup of coffee while I wrote. It has been nice sitting in a chair while writing. Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping with my cousin. I just need to get rice and some more Gatorade. Maybe some more water too. It is kind of stuffy in the kitchen but there is a breeze coming in that is cool. I normally write my blog in my room. I wanted a change of scenery today. I took out a burger for dinner. Last night I had one with Swiss cheese and habanero honey mustard and it was so good. I might have a black bean burger for dinner though. I don’t know. It will be a burger either way.

I emptied my recycling today. Tomorrow is trash day so I wanted to take it downstairs. It caused a flare of my ankle. I am trying to avoid taking a nap, which is why I had the coffee and am sitting in my kitchen writing. I just feel so fed up. I have been in pain nearly every single day for the past two months. Always my ankle throbbing. Some days I can ignore it but days like today when I am tired it is hard to ignore. I start thinking bad thoughts. I think I will be better off dead. My thoughts just stay there. I haven’t gone to the planning of my death in some time. I am not that hopeless. I find that hope has a lot to do with my suicidal thinking. It can either be a passing thought or more invasive.

Anxious Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Anxious Tuesday

I got up a little after 8 this morning. I had to get up because I had an early appointment with PT. I made coffee and had my biscuits with it. I only had one package. My mother wasn’t up yet so I had the kitchen to myself. I thought about having a second cup of coffee when my mother got up. I decided not to have the 2nd cup. I went off to my bedroom to look at bus schedules. There would be a bus coming around 10 past 10 so I decided to catch that one. I was reading Twitter and then some article to pass the time. I got my bag ready as after my appointment I was going to go to Starbucks.

PT was good. She had me work at different machines. Then she showed me some stretches for my upper back and then stretch my lower back. I felt good and she said that I was doing good. Just a few more sessions and I would be done. I told her I would like to be done before my hysterectomy and she agreed I would be.

I had missed the bus so I had to wait a half hour for the next one to the Square. I didn’t have enough Starbucks funds to order a latte and a sandwich so I just ordered a latte with five shots espresso. I got to the Starbucks and it was quiet and weird. No one was wearing a mask and I began to feel a little panicked. I found a table to sit down and wrote in my journal. The last entry in my journal was 12 Mar 20. I made a space for today’s entry and wrote for a bit before moving on toward the suicide thoughts workbook. I thumbed through it and then started getting anxious. I felt really uncomfortable and wanted to go home. I decided to go to the grocery store and then go home. I did and when I went to the bus stop at the station, I found that the street was closed. I had to walk 1.1 miles to the next bus stop. I was wicked tired and it took some of the anxiety away walking. I was more afraid of missing the bus. I didn’t though and made it home in time for my bladder to almost explode. I just made it to the toilet in time. I was sweating a lot as it was really warm today.

I made a burger once I cooled off. I had it with a slice of Swiss cheese I bought at the store. I’m still kind of hungry so I might make a turkey sandwich or a bowl of cereal later. My back is really hurting from all the walking I did. It started to really flare up while making the burger. My ankle is also flared up so I took a BT med. I read the pre and post op instructions. I should be able to have a BM by the 2nd day after surgery and if I don’t, I need to take something. I plan on taking Miralax soon as I get home from the hospital because I know what it is like with the anesthesia. It can take me a while to go. In the instructions it said that if I don’t go by the 4th day after surgery to call the office. I will make sure this doesn’t happen.

I didn’t like the ending

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t like the ending

I woke up late this morning but was still on time for therapy. I was able to have a cup of coffee. The session went ok. I told her about the trauma and how I thought my father blamed me for his actions. I realize now that I am not responsible for his actions. I jumped around the session with different things and then my therapist called me on it. I didn’t have much to say about it. I tried different deflections but she still held me to the jumping around. I felt trapped. I told her I found a new show to watch. She said it was a good show (Queen’s Gambit).

I fell asleep after session. I had woken up during the night again because I had to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I thought about taking a melatonin but I didn’t want to have a hangover. I had a sandwich when I got up. It was the first thing I ate all day. My appetite has been up and down the past few days. After I had the sandwich, I had a cup of coffee with some biscuits. Every time I have a cup I want another afterwards. It was just an 8 oz cup. I usually have 10 oz of coffee so can feel a difference. I didn’t have another cup because that would really wire me.

I wanted to go to Starbucks today but I didn’t go. I might go tomorrow after PT. If I can find my backpack. I might bring my laptop. Depends how coordinated I am in the morning as the appointment is in the morning. I have to be ready by 10. Hopefully I will be up at 8 when my med alarm goes off so I can have some breakfast. Just hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again. I hope to be asleep around 10 pm tonight so I can get some sleep. I will empty my bladder before bed so I know that it is empty. If I wake up at 6 to pee at least that is around 8 hours sleep.

It was still a cloudy day today. Rain has been in the forecast again. I have no idea when I will have new AC put in. My brother in law said he would do it yesterday but for much of the day it rained. Just really sucks. I have a new AC sitting on my living room floor. I am glad the old one is still working otherwise I would be screwed because it has been muggy as hell. I have the AC on just to keep the humidity out of my room. I talked to my cousin. He is going to take me grocery shopping on Thurs. I need some Gatorade. I have 64oz bottles but it won’t last till next week when I get paid.

My neurologist agreed to start me on the new medicine. I got to wait for it to be in stock in the pharmacy. Once I have it I will taper the citalopram. Just hope I don’t get sick from it.