Category: baseball

just a quick blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Just a quick blog.

I took a nap around 1800 and just woke up about a half hour ago. I took my meds and now I feel myself floating away. All I have done today is rest. I never went to the pharmacy for my prescription. I will have to do that tomorrow. I am running low on my meds as it is.

I have been some what depressed today. All I had to eat was a steak dinner and some cheese. It was all I was really in the mood for. I have cold cuts I still have not touched. I probably will make a sandwich tomorrow. Maybe even make it in the toaster oven so it’s toasted. I haven’t been on the computer that much today. I mostly watched a couple of my programs and then took a nap. I was really tired.

Found out the Red Sox lost in extra innings and then the fans were asked to stay because there were protesters outside the yard. It wasn’t a peaceful protest. I don’t get why they have to do these stupid protests. This one was about a guy who died in police custody in Baltimore. I don’t think the city can help him now that he is dead. I guess people are thinking it is ok to do after what happened in Ferguson, details of which I am still trying to figure out. I know a cop killed a black man and all hell went lose after that. These are the only facts I know of the case. It is just sad that more and more people are engaging the police with weapons as if to taunt them and then when they get killed, there is an uproar. What are the police supposed to do, have a gun that could potentially go off, just waved in their faces? They are not trained to do that. I know there are good cops and bad cops. And unfortunately, the bad cops have ruined it all for the good. Now we don’t trust the police as we once did. It is sad.

I really don’t want to deal with tomorrow. It’s my niece’s birthday party. Kids are coming over. I think I will stay in the comfort of my home where it will be quiet. I might go down for a hamburger, but I got food in the house so maybe I won’t. I hate the fact that I have no appetite since I bought my groceries. It just sucks. I have been eating one thing and that seems to be it. If I have a bowl of cereal, that is it for the day. I hate it when my appetite is gone. But I ate good today. Just one piece of steak and potatoes. That is all I had to eat today. And some cheese. I was going to make a sandwich but I just couldn’t find the energy to make it. I hope I am hungry tomorrow. I really don’t want my cold cuts to go to waste.

can’t sleep 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t Sleep 2

Seems I am re-using titles. No matter when you have almost 1100 blogs. I can’t seem to sleep and my grocery delivery will be here in about 8 hours from now. Least I hope I am the first delivery of the day. The text I got said that it should be delivered between 0730 and 0930. So I am hoping for the first slot. I got a lot of frozen items and I hope it doesn’t get canceled like it did the last time. I need my fish and chips. I will have that for lunch tomorrow!

I saw my father tonight as it was my littlest niece’s birthday today. I told him I would be over his house tomorrow afternoon and he gave me a look. I am doing him the favor so I don’t know why he just can’t take grace with that. Pisses me off.

I had asked my therapist kind of late to call me so we can talk a little. I hate when I leak. It always takes away my dignity, or what is left of it. I feel ashamed of myself for not even knowing my boxers were wet (see previous blog). I know it’s not my fault that I leaked. I just have mixed feelings down below and I don’t like it. That is part of the reason why I haven’t had a pap smear in almost 10 years. I hate them to begin with but I have been hounded long enough about getting one. I just most likely won’t feel anything because I am numb.

Another reason I can’t sleep, is because I am running a slight fever and I am hot. The bladder spasms have stopped but I still don’t know if I have a UTI or not. I used some test strips but they were expired so I can’t really trust them. My white blood count was slightly positive so I might have an infection. Great, just what I needed. And because I can’t feel things like a normal person, I never know if I have one or not. And I saw the doc today, which only makes things worse. If only I had the spasms while I was at the office. I could have left a sample and be done with knowing if I have an urine infection or not. Now I have to call the office tomorrow and see if I can be seen again. I might wait a few days to see if I get better. I will buy some cranberry juice and see if that helps me. It might just be nothing.

I took 2 ativans so I can try and get sleepy. I listened to the baseball game. We were winning and then the starting pitcher fell apart. I don’t know why they kept on saying he hit a “brick wall”. He wasn’t hitting anything, including the strike zone. He walked three batters. I don’t think that is hitting a wall. So we lost 7-5 because my *favorite* pitcher does what he does best, gives up a homerun. I fucking hate Mujica. He sucks and always will suck in my book. The game kind of got me riled up so that is another reason I can’t sleep.

I realized why I didn’t get the LTD payment yesterday. It’s because it’s not the 4th Tuesday of the month. Least I hope that is the reason. I hate these payment schedules for disabilities. It is so bizarre. I really hope that I get it so I can get my glasses and a new cell phone. But we’ll see. It’s less than a week away. I haven’t gotten any paperwork saying that my benefits are going to be canceled, which I think if my LTD was up, I would have. It would save me $133 in payments for my insurance.

I am very hot so I just turned on the ceiling fan. I hate these hot flashes that I have been getting. I told my doc about it and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem too concerned about it. I asked him if it was because I was on hormone pills and again, didn’t say anything. Frustrating!! He did want me to have a physical in 4 months. So I guess if the hot flashes are still continuing, maybe he will do something about it then. I see his NP for the pap in two months. That should be fun. It is freaking me out but I am trying to be calm about it. I will take an Ativan before hand so I am relaxed and not freaking out. Fucking hate being a woman, I really do.

my ankle is also giving me grief, just another reason why I can’t sleep. I have so many reasons tonight as to why I can’t sleep that it’s amazing just writing about it is not knocking me out.

Opening Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, chronic physical pain, depression

Opening Day

My mood lifted enough today that I finally was able to watch baseball until the 6th inning. My foot/ankle decided that was enough. Fuckers. My team was leading 4-0 and I just hope the bullpen can keep that score. Buchholz was on his game today. I love him. I don’t particularly care for the catcher, Hanigan. He seems too nervous behind the plate. I don’t like when catchers twitch before a pitch because it can cause the pitcher to lose location. I hope he gets the nervous jitters out of him. Score heading into the 9th now is still 4-0! Yeah BABY!

I slept most of the day today. My therapist finally texted me back with confirmation of my cancellation for the week. I just need some time away from her. I was really shocked she gave in. She usually gives me a hard time, every single time I want to cancel a session. I texted her back that she was a softie. She said should would call me next week at our regular time. I am so tempted to cancel that appointment, too. But I won’t, for now.

My mood appears to be back on the up swing again, even though I feel really tired. I think most of the feeling tired is because I have been battling pain the last few days. It wears you out. I haven’t played my game today, but I did win big on poker. Doesn’t make up for all that I have lost the last few days but it helps. I hope my mood stays up and I still feel invincible. I was reading some of my more depressing blogs last night. I was trying to find a blog to help out a friend who is having troubles right now. I haven’t talked to her today but hope to talk to her later this evening. I know that my blogs help people who are going through some bad times. It always helps to know someone who has been through it.

Today I found out one of my Twitter buddies dog passed away last night. I know that the dog wasn’t in the best of health lately. She was an older dog, I think around 18 years old. It still stinks. Then I found out a friend from my junior high school days cat passed away. I was like what the hell is going on! I don’t have much details about the cat. But I feel bad for both of my friends that lost their pets today.

My sister is going to pick up my prescription that I neglected to pick up today. I was hurting too much for some reason. My left leg was out of sorts and felt like a disc was out but I wasn’t experiencing any back pain. It was weird. I dealt with that most of the morning, which is why I was so sleepy because of the pain meds I was taking. If I don’t keep up with it, I am hurting out of control. I know the pain might be because my calf muscle is tight. I once rubbed out a knot and the leg pain went away. This is, my calf has been really tender to the touch lately so I am not about to be rubbing it until it calms down some. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything to cause my calf muscles to hurt. But now that I think about it, I went down a steep hill the other day. I bet that is what set off my calf hurting and is now causing my leg pain. Do’h.

I am kind of nervous that my therapist accepted my cancellation. I know I will be alright and I know I can call her if I get into trouble. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday so I think I will be alright. I think I have emailed her nearly every day since she has been back in the office. Just been keeping her informed about my mood swings and such. I asked her if going through the change would be causing this havoc I have been experiencing. She said it is possible. Fucking A. Just what I fucking need is another hormonal imbalance. Been having hot flashes at night to the point where either I am undressed and the fan is on or the fan is on and I don’t have any blankets on. It sucks for my feet that have to be kept warm all the time or they will cramp. And it’s not even summer yet so I can’t blame the weather. She recommended I go back to see repro-endo. I really don’t want to see that doc because she is a nervous nelly around me. I haven’t seen her in more than two years. Thing is, I don’t want the blood work. And I don’t know how the blood work is going to be with me taking hormones every day to stop my menses to begin with. Just makes me wish my death date were sooner rather than later. I really don’t want to deal with this shit.

Just had to put on some thermal socks. Feet are like ice. If they don’t warm up soon, I am going to cramp. And that sucks!

Long Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up around 0630 today in pain, again. This is getting so old. I haven’t taken a nap all day because I have been on Lesterwatch. It is coming down to Jon Lester signing with the Cubs or the Sox. And looks like there will be another day of anxiety because he can’t come to a decision today. I am so annoyed and frustrated. I want a decision and I want one NOW. But it’s not for me to make. I really would like Lester to be back in a Sox uniform come spring training. I miss him. But if he chooses to be in another uniform, I will be crushed, again.

I had a good session with my therapist today. We didn’t get anywhere with her anxiety problem but we are working on maybe using a code word when I sense she is getting tense to let her know. She really like my last blog post about how I handled the blog commenter. I didn’t know if I made sense as I was writing it while I was sleep deprived. Seems my best writing happens when I am in a sleep deprived state. Go figure. We also talked briefly about my father and his surgery. Then we talked about my pain levels. Told her my back is still out of commission. I just brushed my teeth and by the time I was done in the few minutes it took, while standing, my back spazzed big time. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am supposed to “babysit” my father tomorrow but I don’t know how that is going to go down. This sucks so bad. I can’t be living off Ativan. Maybe I should go to the docs and see what they have to say. Though I KNOW they are just going to just send me to physical therapy, as if that is the cure all for everything. I just have to wait till my appointment on the 22nd. I just hope I can last that long. I am really surprised my back has been out for so long. It has been three weeks now. And I was seeing some improvement until this weekend when I woke up with right hip pain.

The thing about my back pain is that it isn’t radiating down my legs or anything to indicate that it is more than a muscle pull. I know those take time to heal. I have been doing little PT exercises but they have been tough to do with the amount of pain I have been experiencing. In the morning, I can barely turn over to take some meds but once I do, I am fine. I just wish the spasms would stop.

Tomorrow, I have to deal with my father and I am not looking forward to it. But I have to because both my sisters have to work. I just hope that I don’t have to do his fucking laundry or cook him a meal. I just am not up for that. I definitely will be saying to laundry as I can’t be lifting anything with my back being the way it is.

My crazy cousin called me tonight. We chatted about things and about our stresses in life. He says he is doing ok and he sounds ok. I think he wanted to know the scoop about my father more than talk with me. We talked about how our mothers are driving us crazy, though to be fair, his mother is a piece of work. Very needy and attention seeking all the time, and always has to made first. I remember one time I wore a Red Sox hat that had 1937 on it for whatever year the hat design was. She thought I was wearing it to commemorate her birth year. Yeah right. I could care less. I can’t stand that woman and go out of my way to avoid her as much as possible. I don’t need her negativity in my life.

It was and is a really shitty day today so I didn’t go out, again, to get my prescription. Luckily, I am not completely out of it yet. I will be soon, if I don’t get off my ass. I think I will get it tomorrow after I finish with my father. I shouldn’t be there all day. I will just be spending a few hours with him. I will bring my book with me so I can read while he watches TV or lies down or does whatever suits him.