Category: blogging

SSDD

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

SSDD

I didn’t do anything today. I woke up with a backache that prevented me from going to my niece’s birthday party. I just really didn’t want to be around people, especially as my stomach was giving me indications it might let lose. So between my stomach and back, I decided not to attend. I had a turkey sandwich and tater tots for my lunch and dinner. I really didn’t want anything else.

My mood is pretty low. I have a lot on my mind but I don’t feel like talking about it. Least not online anyways. I haven’t even made any FB statuses, except for baseball, on how I am really doing. I just want to hide away from everyone. The jerk who cut my hair, sprayed some cologne on me and it transferred to my tried and true baseball hat. Now I need to wash it to get the smell out. I have some sweatshirts that need washing so I can just throw it in there, but my biggest fear is that the hat will shrink. I already have a small, and I don’t need a tight fitting cap. We’ll see when I wash it. I certainly won’t be putting it in the dryer to dry.

I slept for most of the day. Only time I was really up was during the baseball game and having lunch/dinner. And what a fucking game it was. We lost 18-7. Damn pitcher came apart in the 3rd inning. It was the new guy, Miley. I really am not impressed with him. He can’t go longer than 2 innings! What the hell kind of pitcher is that?? He walked four men! He just totally sucks. And the relief pitchers are just as bad. When I stopped watching the game, it was 10-0. So, obviously, the O’s batted the hell out of the relievers to make it 18-7. Not sure how we scored the 7 runs as I wasn’t listening or watching the game. Maybe we had a chance of a comeback and then we got blown out. I will never know. I suppose I could check the box scores, if I was that interested. But I am not. Game is a loss.

I wanted to read but it never happened. I was too tired and in too much pain to sit long enough to do so. I really haven’t touched the book in a couple of days. I am just waiting for my new glasses to come to I can actually read without straining my eyes. When I posted my eyeglass update on FB, a good friend of mine joked that I am old, because I need multi-focal lenses. I had to laugh because he is older than I am by at least 2 years.

Tomorrow I am going to the science museum to see the Maya exhibit. I cannot wait. My friend is treating me and we will be seeing a movie at the Omni. I just hope I don’t get sick like I did the last time. This is a 3D movie theater and the motion of it can sometimes get me sick. Last time I went, I had to shut my eyes the whole time. It was not a fun experience.

This week is going to be difficult for me. My game ends on Thursday. I don’t think I am going to finish any of the missions, even though I have keys to finish it. I just don’t know what causes the pop up of the mission to finish. And once you use a key, the screen disappears. It doesn’t go back to the mission to finish screen. It is annoying me because I have 12 keys I could use to finish 12 missions. Once the game ends, I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t play poker for more than a half hour at a time. It just gets boring after losing more hands than you win. I really am worried that I might just go insane with boredom.

I have a couple of phone calls to make tomorrow regarding my father. I have been putting it off for a while now and now that it is the end of the month, I have no choice. I hope I can call in the morning so that I am not on hold for too long. I hate being on hold!

just a quick blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Just a quick blog.

I took a nap around 1800 and just woke up about a half hour ago. I took my meds and now I feel myself floating away. All I have done today is rest. I never went to the pharmacy for my prescription. I will have to do that tomorrow. I am running low on my meds as it is.

I have been some what depressed today. All I had to eat was a steak dinner and some cheese. It was all I was really in the mood for. I have cold cuts I still have not touched. I probably will make a sandwich tomorrow. Maybe even make it in the toaster oven so it’s toasted. I haven’t been on the computer that much today. I mostly watched a couple of my programs and then took a nap. I was really tired.

Found out the Red Sox lost in extra innings and then the fans were asked to stay because there were protesters outside the yard. It wasn’t a peaceful protest. I don’t get why they have to do these stupid protests. This one was about a guy who died in police custody in Baltimore. I don’t think the city can help him now that he is dead. I guess people are thinking it is ok to do after what happened in Ferguson, details of which I am still trying to figure out. I know a cop killed a black man and all hell went lose after that. These are the only facts I know of the case. It is just sad that more and more people are engaging the police with weapons as if to taunt them and then when they get killed, there is an uproar. What are the police supposed to do, have a gun that could potentially go off, just waved in their faces? They are not trained to do that. I know there are good cops and bad cops. And unfortunately, the bad cops have ruined it all for the good. Now we don’t trust the police as we once did. It is sad.

I really don’t want to deal with tomorrow. It’s my niece’s birthday party. Kids are coming over. I think I will stay in the comfort of my home where it will be quiet. I might go down for a hamburger, but I got food in the house so maybe I won’t. I hate the fact that I have no appetite since I bought my groceries. It just sucks. I have been eating one thing and that seems to be it. If I have a bowl of cereal, that is it for the day. I hate it when my appetite is gone. But I ate good today. Just one piece of steak and potatoes. That is all I had to eat today. And some cheese. I was going to make a sandwich but I just couldn’t find the energy to make it. I hope I am hungry tomorrow. I really don’t want my cold cuts to go to waste.

Random 347

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I did a lot of walking today, more than what I normally do. I am hurting, a little bit, but it was worth it. I have to keep on trying to stretch my limits so I can hopefully get back to work sometime this year. I was really tired today but I forced myself to get up and go. I got my glasses and because the glasses were more than the sunglasses, I got the sunglasses free! I only paid for one pair. That is half of what I need. I also need to get the multifocal glasses, which I probably will get online, now that I have the pupillary distance that is needed. I also got a haircut today. It was done by the same guy but he gave me a different cut! This cut will last me a while, though not as long as if he cut it closer like the last time.

I didn’t know what to have for lunch so went to my favorite pizza place and had a slice. Even though I went to Starbucks today, though I didn’t stay to write or even have something to eat. I really wanted to get the glasses out of the way and then go home. I stood way too long trying to find a pair of glasses that I liked. I found a frame that was on sale and got that. The sunglasses selection was not that great. They must have had a few dozen to choose from, none of which really stood out for me.

I am not that pleased that my legs are killing me right now. Other than walking every day, I don’t know what else to do to increase my endurance. It really sucks that I can walk half a block and then my calves cramp up. I have to try and be more active. It’s the only way that I am going to increase my stamina. I think it might also help my mood. But I don’t want to suffer at night with big time pain. That is one thing I don’t need! Because even though I am feeling proud of myself for walking the distances I did today, if I am hurting later it will be for not. I will be really upset with myself. I have to conserve my energy for Monday when I go to the museum with my friend. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow. Sunday is my niece’s birthday party. I suppose I will show up for food and snacks, then make a get away.

Took a shower to get the loose hair off of me. It was really hot because my mother had just finished washing clothes. Felt really good though. Now I can go to sleep, hopefully. I was going to make a steak dinner but I don’t think I will. I am too tired to cook. If I get hungry later, maybe I will. I still haven’t made my fish and chips. I probably will make that sometime this weekend.

In a week, I will have new glasses. I hope that I see better. It’s getting tough to read the Idiot because the print is straining my eyesight. I have been reading a chapter at a time to get through the thick book. It is one of my favorites of Dostoevsky’s books. I am glad that I took that Russian class. I have always been fascinated by Russia, the old, not so much the new. The new Russia has been broken up into so many pieces that I don’t know it anymore. Hell, I don’t even know the European geography anymore as so many countries have formed. I would have to take a class to know it all again.

And just like that, my ankle is throbbing. Is it too early to go to bed at 1800? I really don’t care if I wake up later. I just don’t want to deal with this pain today. But I know that I taxed it a little bit more today than any other day. I really hope this doesn’t cause a flare up. My friend has timed tickets to the event we are going to on Monday. It will really suck if I can’t make it because of my bum ankle. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I just took a couple of pain pills to head off more pain. I really don’t want this to turn into a flare up. Only thing I have to do tomorrow is go to the pharmacy to fill my pain med prescription. But I can do that on Sunday, if I want to just chill tomorrow.

Cranky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Cranky day

I didn’t sleep last night, not well anyways. I went to bed around 0100 and then woke up around 0400, went back to sleep, and then woke up when my alarm went off at 0630. I had to be up early for the grocery delivery. Luckily, my time was the first so I quickly put everything away, had some breakfast, and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I wish it was restful sleep but it wasn’t. I woke up more tired than awake. I hate losing sleep. It is the most frustrating thing in the world when you can’t sleep. Then I had therapy. I am glad I don’t have a gun because I probably would have used it on myself today. I just did not want to hear her talk and talk and talk. I brought up the blog and she wanted me to read it to her. That wasn’t happening. I was not in the mood to read. Then she said that seeing my psychiatrist should be a goal I should look forward to. She has lost her mind. Why the hell would seeing my psychiatrist be a goal?? It doesn’t make any sense and I was too tired to argue with her so let it go.

We also talked about my incontinence. It really made me want to die last night. And then today, I peed myself again. I am not liking my bladder these days. Monday I am supposed to meet with a friend and go to a museum. I will be wearing diapers because I really don’t want to be wet while walking around a museum. At 39, I am wearing diapers. Just shoot me now.

I went to see my father, who called twice during therapy. I didn’t answer because my therapist is more important than he is. He can wait. So after therapy, I go to his house. He isn’t fucking there. I call the house and no answer. I am bullshit. I really didn’t want to go to his house in the state that I am in anyways and he isn’t there? WTF!! So I leave. I go to a donut place and get some donuts while waiting for the bus that never came so I decide to take the train home. Wouldn’t you know, I get to my stop and my father calls wondering where I am. UGH. I go to the other side of the tracks and go back to his house and fill his pill box. I then try and scramble out of there but he wants me to call his doctor’s office. For what, I have no fucking clue. He doesn’t know why. He can’t explain it. Just that he wants ME to call. So I call and the secretary tells me they will send the paperwork to his doctor. I tell my father that and he isn’t satisfied. I think he wanted me to go to his eye doctor’s office and find out what he needed. The hell to the no I was not doing that nor did I offer. I just wanted to be on the bus home so I could sleep.

Except I couldn’t sleep. I took my cousin out for dinner. I was craving roast beef and onion rings and didn’t want to eat by myself so took my cousin with me. Now I am home, in pajamas, writing this blog post. I was kind of short with my cousin, who likes to bust balls. I didn’t care. He kept asking if I had any “dishes”, meaning women. How the hell am I supposed to meet someone when I hardly leave the house. And the second place, I am NOT looking for a relationship. That was how it went the entire time we were out. I should have went by myself.

I have a week left to play my game. Then it ends. I am going to miss it. I keep playing just to pass time. I am not going to listen to the baseball game tonight. I am too tired. I am going to take my meds early and then call it a night. I am not going to play my game like I did last night. I just don’t have the energy. I just hope I sleep tonight till tomorrow morning and not until midnight. There will be hell to pay if I wake up around midnight.