Category: blogging

can’t sleep 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t Sleep 2

Seems I am re-using titles. No matter when you have almost 1100 blogs. I can’t seem to sleep and my grocery delivery will be here in about 8 hours from now. Least I hope I am the first delivery of the day. The text I got said that it should be delivered between 0730 and 0930. So I am hoping for the first slot. I got a lot of frozen items and I hope it doesn’t get canceled like it did the last time. I need my fish and chips. I will have that for lunch tomorrow!

I saw my father tonight as it was my littlest niece’s birthday today. I told him I would be over his house tomorrow afternoon and he gave me a look. I am doing him the favor so I don’t know why he just can’t take grace with that. Pisses me off.

I had asked my therapist kind of late to call me so we can talk a little. I hate when I leak. It always takes away my dignity, or what is left of it. I feel ashamed of myself for not even knowing my boxers were wet (see previous blog). I know it’s not my fault that I leaked. I just have mixed feelings down below and I don’t like it. That is part of the reason why I haven’t had a pap smear in almost 10 years. I hate them to begin with but I have been hounded long enough about getting one. I just most likely won’t feel anything because I am numb.

Another reason I can’t sleep, is because I am running a slight fever and I am hot. The bladder spasms have stopped but I still don’t know if I have a UTI or not. I used some test strips but they were expired so I can’t really trust them. My white blood count was slightly positive so I might have an infection. Great, just what I needed. And because I can’t feel things like a normal person, I never know if I have one or not. And I saw the doc today, which only makes things worse. If only I had the spasms while I was at the office. I could have left a sample and be done with knowing if I have an urine infection or not. Now I have to call the office tomorrow and see if I can be seen again. I might wait a few days to see if I get better. I will buy some cranberry juice and see if that helps me. It might just be nothing.

I took 2 ativans so I can try and get sleepy. I listened to the baseball game. We were winning and then the starting pitcher fell apart. I don’t know why they kept on saying he hit a “brick wall”. He wasn’t hitting anything, including the strike zone. He walked three batters. I don’t think that is hitting a wall. So we lost 7-5 because my *favorite* pitcher does what he does best, gives up a homerun. I fucking hate Mujica. He sucks and always will suck in my book. The game kind of got me riled up so that is another reason I can’t sleep.

I realized why I didn’t get the LTD payment yesterday. It’s because it’s not the 4th Tuesday of the month. Least I hope that is the reason. I hate these payment schedules for disabilities. It is so bizarre. I really hope that I get it so I can get my glasses and a new cell phone. But we’ll see. It’s less than a week away. I haven’t gotten any paperwork saying that my benefits are going to be canceled, which I think if my LTD was up, I would have. It would save me $133 in payments for my insurance.

I am very hot so I just turned on the ceiling fan. I hate these hot flashes that I have been getting. I told my doc about it and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem too concerned about it. I asked him if it was because I was on hormone pills and again, didn’t say anything. Frustrating!! He did want me to have a physical in 4 months. So I guess if the hot flashes are still continuing, maybe he will do something about it then. I see his NP for the pap in two months. That should be fun. It is freaking me out but I am trying to be calm about it. I will take an Ativan before hand so I am relaxed and not freaking out. Fucking hate being a woman, I really do.

my ankle is also giving me grief, just another reason why I can’t sleep. I have so many reasons tonight as to why I can’t sleep that it’s amazing just writing about it is not knocking me out.

Good Day Turned Bad 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Good day turned bad

Warning, might be triggering or gross

I am still trying to be positive as today was a good day but on the way home, I leaked more than I have in the past, got bladder spasms while peeing, and my ankle has decided to throb with severe intensity. It’s very difficult to not slink down into a bad mood when the nerve condition you sometimes forget you have, slaps you in the face as a reminder your nerves are fucked. One of the people in my support group saw a neurosurgeon who “blew her off” when she asked him repeatedly what to do about the CES. He told her that once you get a stroke, you still have a stroke. That is the best way to put it. She got offended and it kind of pissed me off because he was right. I don’t know why she got mad because he was telling her the truth. Whatever you recovered in the first two years is what you are going to recover. Anything more than that after a two year anniversary is a bonus. If I didn’t get CES the second time, I think I would have been ok and not have the bladder problems I have currently or the ankle problem or the bowel problem. I think I am getting sensation in my rectum again and that is why it is hurting when I poop, even if the stool is soft. But my having bladder spasms is unusual as I wasn’t that full. I had emptied my bladder while at the doctor’s office. I didn’t have spasms then and I didn’t drink that much water on the way home. I might have had four ounces total. I just don’t get it. I know I should have a urodynamic test done but I am too scared to go on my own. And I don’t have a good friend to go with me because they are all male. I could ask my sister to come but that will open up a lot of questions and I really don’t want to answer them.

If you are just tuning in and wondering what the hell CES is, it is Cauda Equina Syndrome. It occurs when you have trauma to the horsetail part of the nerves from your back. You can Google it if you want more information or go to http://www.caudaequina.org.

My doctor’s appointment went well. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was suicidal. Course I don’t feel that way today, which is why I answered no. As I was making the follow up appointments for my pain management, I realized that today would be the last day I see him, unless this bladder thing turns into an infection. He didn’t go off about my weight as I was down two pounds since the last appointment. I hope I can keep that up. But why bother, if I am just going to die in a few months time. My therapist still thinks that I am going to pull out of this. She said that I don’t know how many times yesterday. But I really don’t see the point as I can’t struggle anymore with this stuff. I am tired of fighting all the time. It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, to change my underwear constantly, to shower because I pooped myself. It just isn’t the way I want to live. And no one understand that more than a fellow CES sufferer. I would get support through the group but they have been annoying me lately, least the one on Facebook is. Facebook has been really annoying me lately. I think after my game ends at the end of the month, I am going Facebook free for a while and just be on Twitter. I have no idea what my Facebook feed is going to look like without my game requests. If it’s anything like my mobile feed, it’s going to get old very quickly.

I didn’t have therapy today. I kind of wish I did. Though at this point, it’s just checking in, least that what it feels like. I still don’t get the point in talking to her. I know we are never going to go over the blog that I wrote about the reasons for dying. She just doesn’t inquire, though she will ask about other assessments. I think her anxiety of losing me is just getting in the way of talking about how I really feel. Lately, I have been telling her but feel like it’s going in one ear and out the other. Hopefully, tomorrow we will “talk”.

Difficult Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Difficult day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Pain kept me up till almost 0300. I then slept for a few hours and then it was every hour I was up. I really wanted to sleep after my therapy session today but I had to babysit my niece. The pain last night was horrible. I couldn’t move my leg or ankle without severe pain. Every time I got comfortable, the pain spiked, forcing me to move to an uncomfortable position. Then spike again after I had settled down a little bit. I never had such attacks before. It was very weird. But because I had taken my pain pills around midnight, I couldn’t take anymore at least until after 0400. I was exhausted so I just took an Ativan to help me sleep and calm me down as the pain was so anxiety provoking.

I really don’t remember much about what we talked about in therapy. I think we talked in circles without really going any place. I told her about Marsha Linehan’s story, or the pieces I was getting from the Twitter feed that day. I guess she didn’t read my blog about it, just the blog I wrote detailing my reasons for suicide. We didn’t talk about that blog at all. I was shocked that she found the time to watch Jobes’s video that I sent her. I didn’t think her phone was going to be able to play it because it is older than my phone. She has had the same phone for more than six years now. I don’t know how it still is able to play YouTube videos. The important thing is that she was able to see how CAMS works for Jobes and in clinicians working with suicidal patients. He addressed the important key factors of his engagement. He, so far, has been lucky that none of his patients have killed themselves. I think that is incredibly lucky to work with an at risk population and not have someone die in the thirty years he has been practicing. My therapist liked what he was talking about “drivers” (aka reasons for suicide). I am glad I watched the video too, or I would be clueless as to what she was talking about. Course, Jobes is my idol so why wouldn’t I watch a video with him in it? I am sort of his professional stalker. I look out for anything he has written and take it as the word. I hope one day I can be a successful therapist like him.

My therapist also talked a lot about how I am the exception and not the rule today. It was making me roll my eyes. She has told me this about a million times. And every time she tells me this, I take it as a challenge to prove her wrong. I don’t know if that is one of the reasons that “drive” me to suicide. I figure I am supposed to be dead anyway with all the stats against me. Yet, I am still here. And it pisses me off because I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to lose anymore sleep and have ongoing nights of pain and misery. I know tonight I run the risk of having yet another night of pain because I was going up and down the stairs today most of the day. My sister made some food that I liked and I had to babysit, twice. Already my ankle is throbbing. I would take some pain meds but I know in an hour or two I will be saying goodnight. Least I hope I will. Last night, the pain meds didn’t tell me good night until almost 0300. I really thought I was going to have an all nighter. I just could not sleep.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my PCP. I hope it goes well or I will be in bad shape mentally. I know he is going to give me a lecture about my weight. I wish he wouldn’t because I already feel bad about it. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to my therapist about it today. We were all talking around the elephant in the room (suicide). We also talked about my Twitter buddy Jay and how I think she knows him. I sent her a pic of him and his name. It will be really funny if they had worked together at the same place.

Other than feeling really tired, I am fed up that I have been in pain for almost a week now. I haven’t left my house since Thursday when I saw my father. Tomorrow, I will have to go out to see my doc. I canceled my therapy appointment so I wouldn’t have to finagle the bagel trying to find a spot for me to talk with her for an hour. I like talking with her in the comfort of my room. So she conned me into talking on Thursday.

Marathon Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Baseball played six innings before the rain came down hard, delaying the game. It’s supposed to rain heavier as time goes on so it might be called, with my boys winning. But they have to wait a half hour before they can officially call it.

Today, I have been really emotional. Anything that has to do with the bombings, I cry. If there something momentous, I cry. I am taking a chance listening to country music right now as the flood gates might start up and I just won’t stop. I don’t know why I get like this sometimes. I don’t think I will be following Twitter today. Facebook just has my game feed so there will be no emotions there. I won’t go on the FB app on my phone because that gives me more updates and I just don’t want to cry.

I was having a nice dream when my mother called me. The back door was open and she wondered if someone had come through the house. I didn’t hear anything, but yet I was sleeping. She was panicked which woke me up out of my haze. I don’t know who opened the doors. It could have been the wind but my mother said she locked the door, so I don’t know. Nothing appears to be missing or wrecked.

Other than being emotional, I am really tired. I just feel like a lump on a log. I took a shower hoping it would energize me or something and it made me feel worse. I feel like I can take another nap. I could make coffee but that hasn’t been proven to keep me awake when I want to be. I just made a cup of tea to try and keep me up. I haven’t eaten lunch yet, though it’s three in the afternoon. Baseball game is still having a rain delay. It hasn’t been called, yet. They keep expecting it every fifteen minutes. I can’t stand to watch the TV or listen to the radio as the delay is going on. It has been an hour delay so they should be calling it soon.

I haven’t sold any books so far this month. It always depresses me until I get that first sale. But I haven’t been promoting my book too much. It’s hard to keep it fresh. There are only so many ways to say that my book is about suicide and how I got through it. And with Twitter, you can’t use the same tweet twice. That makes it more difficult!