Category: blogging

Sunday 19-Apr-15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sunday 19-4-15

I watched the baseball game this afternoon and missed chat. It was a good chat apparently. I am sorry I missed it. Instead, I watch my home team lose to the Orioles. It would have been a good trade off. Tomorrow’s game will be in the morning. I hope I get up early enough to watch it.

Tomorrow will mark two years since the Boston Marathon bombings that killed four people. I still don’t understand why they had to kill the MIT police officer. He wasn’t doing anything to cause them harm. They just went right up to him and shot him to death. That death haunts me more than the three that were killed in the bombings. Course all the deaths were meaningless. What did it prove, exactly? Now the guy will spend the rest of his life in prison, hopefully without parole.

Tomorrow is also the marathon so there is heightened security all along the route and especially at the finish line. There are going to be thousands of people running and spectating. I am not going anywhere near the city. I will watch the game and then probably just play my games.

I had a fight with my phone last night and today. After closing an app last night, the screen blanked out and nothing happened. Then I kept on hitting the power bar to get it to turn on and nothing happened. Today, I was trying to call my mother and the contacts kept crashing. This is after a restart. I think I am going to finagle getting a new phone this week. If it can’t make phone calls, what is the use of the phone?? I know I use it more for the apps and stuff, but seriously, I do need it for calling people. It is my lifeline.

My sister gave me a neat gift card for some vegetable delivery service. Turns out it is a meal delivery. They send you the ingredients and recipe for the meal you want to make. It sounds pretty good but if they are offering a $40 gift card to start, I wonder how much one meal can cost! I will look into it later and see if it is easy. Maybe if I can afford it, I don’t always have to worry about what my mother makes and can actually cook for my mother for once.

My mood has been good today, despite my boys losing. I threw out my back today while sneezing. This is the second time in about six months this has happened. I am not wishing I did something to warrant my back going out, but sneezing is an automatic impulse. You can’t stop a sneeze and if you try, you get hurt. I wasn’t stopping the sneeze, but I had my legs crossed and slightly leaned forward. That was all it took to aggravate my sciatic nerve. I am having pain go right down my right leg. I hope I didn’t do anything more than that. I just took some pain meds to ease it up and tonight I will take an extra Ativan to help relax the muscles a bit. Thing is, I know my right hip/back is weak. Has been since my surgery 14 years ago. I never regained strength and when I sneezed back in November, I tossed it out again. I was really hurting and never really recovered. I hope this episode quiets down before my appointment on Wednesday with my PCP. I really don’t want to go back to PT for this problem if I don’t have to. If I do, I rather go to the PT place down the street from me. It will be less of a hassle than going into Boston. But we’ll see how it goes.

Yesterday, I got my first issue of Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal for the year. Since I am a member of the American Association of Suicidology, I get the issue free, which is probably why the cost of membership is so much. There is an interesting article on Non-Suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI) that I am going to read when I am up for it. There is also an article on Interpersonal therapy with adolescents. I am glad to be reading academic articles again! I am a nerd!

In a writing mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

In a writing mood

I had my coffee soon after I woke up and now I got the “writing bug”. I have been reading my old blogs from two years ago. The sentiments are the same. I go to Starbucks, have coffee, and then talk about how I am going to end my life because I just can’t stand it anymore. Funny, it’s two years later and I am still here also talking about the same shit. I guess the saying, “same shit, different day” applies.

I am trying to be hopeful but it is very difficult. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her why I should continue living. Point blank. No beating behind the bushes. I have been in a pain flare up the last two days and it has shaken me to my core. I really don’t know why I am still here. Fear perhaps, that I will again fail to execute my intentions. Fail to actually succeed in ending my life. And this fear somehow keeps me from going through with my half-assed plans.

In one of the blogs I was reading, I was saying how I was going to go take a summer college course. I never did. The money ran out before I could take it. I had a wedding to attend that year and also had to finish paying off the debt I owed the college. That didn’t leave me with much left over. Now that I am getting my LTD payments again, though not in the amount it once was, I can maybe get new glasses. Thing is I have to get two pairs, one a single vision and the other bifocal. If there is anything left over, I would like to get prescription sunglasses. This will beat having to figure out a slip on kind. I don’t know. Either way I need to see as the pairs that I am wearing are out of date and are causing me problems. Even word I have to have it on 150 enlargement to see what I am writing. And that is with my glasses!

I also want to get a new cell phone as mine is slowly shitting the bed. Last night, I couldn’t get it to turn on. I don’t know how many times I was hitting the power button to get it to turn on, unsuccessfully. And now, every other call I get “contacts not responding” message. The phone is almost three years old, same as my glasses. Guess you can say, it is a dinosaur. But I will continue to use it until I know I can afford an upgrade. But my glasses must come first.

I was finally able to take a shower today. The pain in my foot has gone down enough that I could stand for a few minutes to shower. It’s a cool day so I didn’t put the heater on in the bathroom. I wish I did, because when I got out of the shower, I was freezing! My feet were especially cold so when I went back up to my room, I immediately put on socks to prevent cramping. My pain increased slightly, but not enough to warrant taking a pain pill. I see my PCP this week to get my monthly refill. He is not going to be happy with my weight as I have not lost any since I saw him last. I fucking hope he doesn’t bring it up because I will be flip with him. Losing weight is on the bottom of the list right now because I am still struggling to prevent myself from killing myself. So does it matter? I got other things on my mind and it isn’t like I am eating junk food every day or even take out. I just am not active enough to lose weight and I can’t be active because it brings on pain. I have tried to cut the calories, drink more water, etc., but the weight still won’t shed a pound. I needed two days to recover from my one day of going over my limit. That hasn’t happened in a while. And, hello, but if I wasn’t in pain all the time I wouldn’t need pain medication. Thus, losing weight might be easier. But I know it’s his spiel. I just find it harder to swallow than my pills and it just reinforces more hate toward myself because I used to be such an avid walker. It also makes me sad because I can no longer do the things I used to do to control my weight. When I was working, I could have salads and grilled chicken sandwiches. Now I don’t remember to buy lettuce and then when I do, my mother boils it if I don’t use it in a few days time (don’t ask, I think she is part Irish). Salads never really filled me unless I had some protein to go with it. And I am not keen on boiled eggs in a salad. I much rather have chicken. But that means preparing and cooking and I can’t do that because I can’t stand too long. Just making a batch of cookies one time killed me. I can’t imagine what making a few pieces of chicken will do. But I think they have pre-packaged grilled chicken so problem solved. I will get that the next time I go food shopping! It won’t be the same as the kind at my work (theirs was fresh off the grill) but at least it helps me off my feet and maybe helps me to lose weight. I don’t know, I am just throwing my thoughts out there.

tired of being an outlier

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

I woke up at 0530 today but was able to get back to sleep around 0600. I slept on and off until 1130. I also woke up around three but was able to go right back to sleep. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time sleeping lately. And someone from Indiana keeps calling me at fucking 0815 every single morning. I don’t know that many people in Indiana and I know they don’t have my number. I wish they would stop calling or at least leave a voicemail so I know who the fuck it is.

I need to go to my father’s today to fix his pill box and then I won’t have to go back until Thursday. I have therapy tomorrow that I am not looking forward to. I am going to try and end therapy. I just don’t see the point anymore. I know she is going to be resistant to it but that is her problem, not mine. I am tired of trying to make people happy. It’s going to be tough not having therapy but I think it’s the best course. I just can’t imagine being in therapy while planning on ending my life. It makes no sense. It will be better if I am not in therapy. The less she knows of my plans the better.

I have been trying to think of a way to let my writing partner know I am not going to be here any longer. But even if I do, she knows that I will get through this tough patch. But this isn’t a tough patch that I am going through. I have made a conscious decision to end my life so I don’t have to turn 40 and continue a sad existence. I know this will hurt her. Another loss that she just can’t face. We have been writing to one another for three years now. I am sad that this is coming to an end as she doesn’t know how much she means to me. I wish it was enough to get me to stay but I don’t think there is enough to keep me here. After all the hospitalizations and therapy I have received, I still have thoughts of ending my life. I can’t live with this knowledge that according to all the statistics, I should be dead. I am tired of being an outlier.

Just came back from my father’s. Damn bus was late both ways. Luckily today is a nice warm day. I wore shorts today as it was warm enough. First day in a LONG time that it hit 70 degrees. It has been a long winter. My father didn’t pick up his pills on Friday like I told him to so I had to go get them as he wasn’t feeling well. The walk to and fro nearly killed me. My calf muscles doesn’t want to work for me. They tighten up with each step and it is killing me. I know it is most likely atrophy as I haven’t been walking in so long. Even a short walk, a block or so, will tighten them up. The price I paid for staying in the month of February. I also know it is going to take a while to build up my strength again. I really need to walk a little every day to get the muscles moving again. I also need to build up my endurance level.

Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Day. I think I will have one or two tonight for my dinner. Just wish I had some tomato soup to go with it. I think I will make an online order so I can order some of the items I am thinking about getting so I don’t forget. I just hope I don’t spend $130 like I did last time. It was a big order but it was all my essentials, no junk food, just stuff that I had really run out of.

Saturday blog 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Saturday Blog 18

I slept for most of the morning, which was good because I didn’t sleep good for most of the night. Pain kept waking me up. My brother in law was going to Stop and Shop so I went with him to get a few things. He told me my mother needed milk so I picked it up as well. I didn’t get my fish and chips like I wanted to because I was low on cash. I could just get the essentials, like cream, my powerade, and milk for my mother. That was all that I needed. When I get paid in two weeks, I will do real grocery shopping. I won’t be paying my cell phone bill again because it is already paid for the month. For the first time in months, I will have a little extra money so I might just get another online grocery order. It will save me time and energy from walking around the store. I can just click on what I want.

After the grocery store, I made coffee and watched the baseball game. We won 8-4. In the Bronx. Against the Skankees. HEHEHE. They made a costly error and then loaded the bases and we capitalized on it. Instead of the inning to be over, Aroid took his foot off the bag after review of the play. It was sweet that my favorite player, Brock Holt, then hit a double that cleared the bases. This guy is amazing. He was awesome last year and his awesomeness is continuing this year.

After the ball game, I watched some of my shows. I had to watch the Criminal Minds episode with Gary Sinise. I miss CSI NY so much that to see Gary again was a thrill. He still looks the same.

Other than going to the grocery store, I really haven’t done anything yet I feel really tired. I haven’t played any games all day. It was just sleep, store, baseball game, tv. I guess that is a lot of doing nothing but my ankle would beg to differ. It is hurting like I have been standing on it all day. I don’t know why, as I mostly have been sitting or reclining. But that is the pain syndrome for you. It does what it wants, with no rhyme or reason.

I wonder why is it that if you have terminal cancer and was given only a few months to live, people accept that reality more often than if someone says they are going to kill themselves. I keep thinking about things like this because cancer is held higher than suicide when it is just the same. You are going to die either way. Either through your own terms or cancer’s. And if you survive cancer, you are considered a hero. Yet you attempt suicide, you are shamed and blasted upon. I have accepted that I will probably take my life sometime this year. It is something I have thought about for sometime and though I am not thinking about suicide every day like I used to, I have a specific date that I want to end my life. Not because of shits and giggles, but because I am tired of being in pain all the time, mentally and physically. I know nothing can happen with my life. I fucked it up and there is no unfucking it, not unless I win the lottery. I will never be a therapist because I can’t go back to school. I am in the minority. I am transgendered and never will be accepted by anyone. And I just can’t live with this knowledge. My dreams went up in smoke when I became disabled, when I got diagnosed with mental illness when I was 16. I tried having a life but it just isn’t working out. I am depressed nearly every day for no good reason. I am tired of living this way. It must come to an end. I am just going to die anyway and I rather it be on my terms.