Category: blogging

A day of buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of buses

I saw my pdoc today. We exchanged stories about being able to bounce back from surgery. She called me a role model as I was so severe with my Cauda Equina Syndrome and can hardly walk. Now, 14 years later, I can walk unassisted. She broke her hip right before Halloween and is still recovering from it. She doesn’t walk right yet, but she will in time. When I saw her a month ago, she was walking with a crutch. No crutch today so that is a good sign. Long as she doesn’t have any setbacks, she should recover nicely. We also talked about my roller coaster month. I seem to have stabilized as this week has been relatively “normal” for me. I am at my baseline depression and hope it stays that way. I still am waiting to crash but hope it doesn’t happen. I told her I haven’t been doing anything different. She asked if it was the weather, and I said I don’t know. I also told her that it might be because I am turning 40 this year, and she said “how did that happen”. Course, I have been seeing her since I was 17. That is a long time to be seeing her. We also talked about how today is my anniversary of becoming an author. She then asking jokingly when my next book is coming out. She already knew the answer as I told her about it the last time I saw her. I told her I might make out a sci-fi story out of the delusions that I was having. I am glad they are gone but man did they seem real.

On my way home, I was about 20 minutes early for the bus so I waited. And waited. And waited. Around 12:40, more than twenty minutes after the bus was supposed to arrive, I tweeted to the T that the bus didn’t show up. They have no explanation. Fucking great. I wasn’t in the mood to walk the 0.4 miles to catch the bus at the end of the road home. So I took a bus that would take me down the street. I missed the bus. Now I could either wait for the next bus at 13:30 or catch another bus that would take me closer to my home, but I would have to walk two long blocks to get there. I decided to test my limits and walk. I took the stop before School Street as I knew that street was hilly and my foot was already hurting from waiting for the 12:25 that never showed. I made it, though my calf muscles ached while I was walking. BOTH of them. I think I really need to walk more as I think they are getting atrophied. I then decided to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescription. There was a fricken line and only one person dealing with the register. So I had to stand the whole time waiting. My legs wanted to kill me. But I needed my prescription and I didn’t want to go out tomorrow to get it. If I wasn’t running low, I would have said the hell with it and picked it up later. I used my new savings card and OMG you would have thought I gave a new prescription or something. That took another twenty minutes to figure out how to process the card. I wanted my pillow just so I could scream into it at this point. Finally everything went through, and I paid only $5 instead of $25. I was happy I saved money but was not happy I had to wait almost a fricken half hour to get it sorted.

I decided to get some popcorn as a treat or meal later. I will make popcorn and just have it as a meal sometimes. I used the last of it yesterday so we needed more. Of course my mother wasn’t happy that I paid three dollars for it. It was MY money, not hers, so I don’t know why she is bitching. Right now, I just want to rest as my ankle is sore and I am wicked exhausted. I woke up at 0600 this morning and made the mistake of going back to sleep. I have been in a sleep hang over since 0800, when my alarm went off. It has been one long day.

My father is not feeling well so I think I will go over his house on Sunday rather than tomorrow to get his meds straight. He ran out of one of his pills but he has other days so I am not that worried. It isn’t until the middle of the week that he needs to take these pills. So I get to rest tomorrow, which I will need to do.

I feel like there is a cloud hanging over me and I can’t shake it. It is getting to be like a vice around my heart. I forgot to tell my psychiatrist about these anxiety chest pains I have been getting. It really feels like I have a weight on my chest when it happens. I am not usually an anxious person so I don’t know why these attacks have been happening. But I have had such a crazy few weeks, I am not surprised that anxiety attacks have been thrown in the mix. I just hope that doesn’t mean my blood pressure is out of control again. I just tried to take my blood pressure but the machine is broken. It won’t hold the air in the cuff. Thing is more than ten years old so I think I might have to invest in another machine. I’ll probably get one my next pay period. There has been one that I have been looking at is for the wrist. I think that will be easier than trying to wrestle with the upper arm cuff one handed. So until I get it, I don’t know what my blood pressure is running these days. I had a manual cuff but I have no idea where that sucker is. I haven’t seen it in months.

Easter 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Easter 2015

I had Easter dinner same as always, at my sister’s house. And as usual, I overate. I couldn’t help myself as there was a lot of good food and goodies afterwards. I feel like I should nap, but I did that last night and then woke up around midnight. I even had a cup of my coffee and I am still sleepy.

The day would not be complete without an insult from my father. He said my haircut was lousy. Instead of wearing a hat like I usually do, I decided to fix my hair with gel. He never has a nice thing to say to me. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. I told him thank you after he told me my hair was lousy. It is growing out so of course it looks lousy. But did he really had to say that? Of course he did, because the man doesn’t know how to give a compliment to save his fucking life.

Last night, as I was trying to relax and snooze, my phone was blowing up with text messages. I was really like who the fuck is texting me. I knew it was from Twitter because they were successive texts. For some reason, if the text message has a new emoji, I will get up to 3 messages for the same text. It is so annoying to have the message broken up this way. But I have no control over it. I checked my messages and the person blowing up my phone were all direct messages from a dear friend of mine. She was telling me all the reasons why I should be here and that she needs me to be here, etc. I had messaged her the other night when I was in a bad mood. So she wrote a lovely, albeit multiple, message about all the reasons I should be here. It was really sweet. I haven’t responded yet because I am trying to think about what to say.

I missed the weekly BPD chat this week because I was spending time with my family. For some reason 4 pm comes very quickly on Sunday, no matter what I am doing. I like attending these chats because I know many BPD people and it always gives me insight into trying to understand where they are coming from.

I didn’t sleep as late as I wanted to today. I kept on waking up every couple of hours. I don’t remember the last time I slept more than 5 hours straight. I keep waking up due to pain. I can’t seem to sleep on either my left or right side or on my back. And I can’t sleep on my stomach because that is not good for my back. So I am constantly waking up to change position. It totally sucks. And don’t get me started on relieving my bladder. That starts around 0630 and continues until I wake up. Then I don’t go again until I drink a lot of fluid, which could be hours. It amazes me that I can pee three times, without drinking a drop of liquid yet when I do drink, I don’t pee once! Fucking CES.

Since writing the rant of CES the other night, my stats have gone through the roof. I am a number nerd so I keep track of my numbers. I still want to pass my one day view of 172 one day. But the closest I have come is 118 views. But my goal every day is to have at least 20 views a day. I am happy with that. Anything more than that is a gift.

Busy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging

Busy Day

I really wanted to sleep today, but my sister asked me for a favor so I couldn’t. I went to her house to wait for the cable guy to give her new boxes. I was bored shitless. I brought my laptop so edited one of the stories that I am working on. I thought it would be triggering for me but it wasn’t. I really didn’t focus on the content, just what needed to be fixed.

I am finding it harder and harder trying to play my game that is closing the end of the month. I just feel what I am doing is futile. Like I am planting crops to give me coins that I will never lose. I am trying to empty my bank account by withdrawing 300,000 coins a day. But I have 27 million coins so it is going to take a while and I don’t think it is going to happen. It’s just making the hopelessness that I feel worse. It is also making the depression worse. I know it sounds silly, but I have been playing this game for years, since it started 5 or 6 years ago.

Last night I fell sleep before seven and then woke up around midnight. I stayed up for a few hours before my meds kicked in. I mostly played poker. And slept for a few hours. Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s for a few errands. I just hope I sleep tonight. I am going to try and not sleep before seven again. My leg is hurting though. I think having it down for a few hours while waiting for the cable guy and letting him work, just hurt my leg. I been taking pain meds so I know that is going to make me more sleepy than I already am. Trying to stay awake till eight tonight is going to be a challenge.

Another thing that made me sad is my two favorite DJs have left my favorite country radio station. Now they have this young kid that sucks between the hours of 2-7. I don’t know who is running the after 7 show. I am listening today to see if I like him or her. I still follow my DJs on Twitter and Facebook. I have heard them for the last 17 years so I still would like to know what goes on in their lives.

I cancelled therapy for next week, though I won’t really know if it is really canceled until the day of session. She can “conveniently” forget and call me anyways. I really don’t want to talk to her next week. I feel like I need a break and some time to think about what she was trying to get into my head yesterday.

Other than editing my story, I haven’t done anything else. I still am swirling with another story that I am trying to figure it out. Though I don’t know if it will be an add on to the psychosis story or a separate one. I will decide once the story gets written. If I still use the first person, then it will get added, otherwise it will be going its separate way.

My mood hasn’t been too far down today. I still feel low but I think that is because I am still sleep deprived. I haven’t been too suicidal or anything. But then, I really haven’t had time to think today. It’s hard to think when I am so tired. I don’t think I will be reading today. Next week I might go to the eyeglass place and get a quote on my glasses. I got a coupon for buy one get one free. So we’ll see if it will fit my budget. I really want to get new frames, though I really like the single vision frame that I have. I’ll also look to see how much just lenses will be for this frame.

I am trying to expand my book to include Nook. And once again, I am having formatting issues. I don’t have the patience to deal with this. So I am just not going to deal with it and not have my book on Nook. One less stress out of my life!

Evening Post 1/4/15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Evening Blog 1/4/15

Like I planned, I didn’t do anything today but my ankle is killing me as if I did. I just had dinner and lunch. I am stuffed. I had a cheeseburger with avocado and bacon and then some chicken with rice and corn. My mother made beets with oil and vinegar but I didn’t like it too much. I usually like my beets with a creamy dressing, like blue cheese or Caesar.

My mother put garlic in the breadcrumb stuffing she made. Garlic seems to be giving me migraines lately. My head is already killing me. I have so far avoided a nap but might take one if the headache gets worse. Ankle is also getting worse as I am typing this despite taking a pain med for it. Being in pain every day is exhausting.

Had therapy today. It went okay. We talked a lot about different things that are irritating me and about Jack, the alter that is angry. I have been having intense anger moments and I think it is Jack trying to come out. He is a little boy, as far as I can tell, so doesn’t know how to use words. I have to interpret how he is feeling and relate it to what it is he is angry about. Sometimes, I am good at it and other times, I get angry because he is angry. We also talked about my mood dipping and the anhedonia getting worse. I think by the end of the week, I am going to be in the throws of a deep depression. I am talking with my therapist again tomorrow morning. I just hope that I am awake enough. We also talked about meds. I swear she thinks that I don’t take my meds at times. I think that is because I don’t talk about taking them all the time. I also told her the futility of taking them while in distress. I have no idea if these meds are working or not. It’s not like I am getting regular blood tests for levels or anything to prove they are working. It’s just frustrating to put faith in a pill. I do know the abilify works, because I am less psychotic while taking it and I get side effects from it. I am just frustrated taking a handful of meds every night and wonder if it is worth it. It has been a LONG time since I stopped my meds. I won’t be able to stop my medical meds. Those I need to take or my blood pressure will become unstable.

I haven’t discussed this with my psychiatrist. I think the only reason I haven’t been full blown manic is because I am on meds. It just sucks that every few years I have these bouts of being up and down. The last time I remember this happening was in 2002. And it wasn’t pretty. My crashes were terrible and very suicidal. Then I had a very depressing 2005. I came close to ending my life that year. It was probably the only time my psychiatrist asked me, as a favor to her, to go back on my meds. I haven’t been off them since. That was 10 years ago. I still have suicidal depressions but some how I get through them. So if in the next few days, I start writing about my suicidality, that is why. I will have hit another low point in my life. Question is, will it be low enough to warrant a hospitalization? I really am trying my best to stay out of the hospital. I haven’t been in the hospital since August. I am doing what I normally would do when I am in the hospital. Isolate and take my PRNs. But lately, I haven’t really been doing that as I have had the energy to go out and do things like get a latte and write in my journal. I think that has been good for me. It brings me out of the house and deal with life a little better. It might be annoying because the bus isn’t on time, but least I am not cooped up in my room 24/7. Though today I have been in my room a great deal. I have been playing poker. I lose, I win, I lose. When I get bored I leave. I am only playing with 200K chips. That is my limit. Once it is gone, I am done. I have 47 million chips so I think I am good for a little while, as long as I don’t play on the big game tables.