Category: blogging

Random 747

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally got a hold of my psychiatrist via email. She wants to meet at the same time I am to meet with the new ankle doc. Great. Doesn’t look like I will be seeing her this month. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. I don’t have that many to fill this month because I spent all last month filling them up and then some. I am hoping to afford everything and still be able to pay my bills.

Ankle and foot are really hurting today. I thought I would have a day of not having anything to do with him but my sister wanted me to bring him something as she was unable to. So now I am hurting. Friday I have to watch my niece. Which involves me picking her up from school. That should be fun. But I am not going out at all tomorrow so I am hoping I can sleep all day. It would have been good to see the ankle doc tomorrow but the damn idiot had an emergency so had to reschedule. I am not happy about this. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks. What a let down.

My game came back online finally. It was having problems loading so I couldn’t play for almost a day. But I kept myself occupied with other things, mostly crappy writing. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. It has been at least a week since I last wrote. I should update to the current events but I really don’t want to. It’s like it is fine when I am bored but if I am not bored, I just don’t do it.

I drank again today. I am glad I did because I was able to nap. My therapist was flipping out and wanted me to tell my “prescribers” that I am drinking. Um, that is a no. I am not telling anyone that I am drinking and I am not going to tell her anymore that I am doing so. What is the point if she is always going to harp at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. The only person I am hurting is myself. I am not a driver anymore so it’s not like I am drinking and driving. I just have a few shots of gin and I am good for the day. Nothing wrong with that. People drink all the time. And I am a limited drinker. When I get tired of drinking, I will stop, on my own, without any intervention. I have been doing this for years.

Why am I drinking? Because I can’t stand my father. It is how I cope with him. It always has been this way since I was a teenager. He would supply the alcohol and I would get buzzed. And that is all I do. I drink to get a little bit buzzed and then I relax a bit. I don’t drink to get drunk, unless I have a really bad day or I am hurting really bad. And besides, alcohol has been the only “drug” that I have not tried for my ankle pain. The alcohol makes me forget about the pain for a little while.

it’s 0230

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0230

I woke up around 0230 and I can’t seem to get back to sleep. So I decided to write for a little while.

I made it through the night not drinking. I am really tired but I can’t seem to sleep. Avoiding alcohol was huge tonight. Though I think that if I did drink, I would still be sleeping. Oh well.

My ankle is hurting me so I have taken some pain pills. One more day before I see the new doc about this. I am not too hopeful he is going to find anything wrong with my ankle. But I am scared that I will be placed in a boot. Just in case, I am bringing my old one with me. You never know what he will do. I partly hope that he orders another MRI to see what is going on with my ankle, to make sure nothing has changed since the last one. I know I won’t be having an injection and I will make that clear. I just don’t believe in them and they only work 50% of the time so why chance it. I don’t like those odds. I rather be on oral steroids than have an injection. And I will bring that up to him as well. A friend of mine was telling me that I could have adhesions in the ankle after all this time. I don’t like that idea either. But we’ll see what this doc says. I just hope that it hurts enough when I see him otherwise, I am seeing him for not. I don’t want to be in excruciating pain, but just enough for him to see what I am going through. I have a “rest day” today though with me being up this early, I am not sure how much I will be resting. Sometimes I sleep a few hours and then I am up and others I am sleeping till noon.

I don’t have new answers for the doc. Just the same, single question, “what is wrong with it”? Three years this has been going on and three years, no one can give me a direct answer. If it was a case of tendonitis, I have done everything to make the swelling go down and yet soon as I move it, it flares up again. I can’t be immobile. I also can’t run the risk of wearing a boot around the house for fear of falling down the stairs. Even without the boot, I run the risk of falling because I don’t know where my feet are. There have been a couple of time in the last few weeks where I missed a step or over shot a step and nearly toppled over. If I wasn’t hanging on to the banister, I surely would have fallen. That is the problem with CES, not knowing where your feet are. I am usually good about where they are but when I am tired or when I just wake up and need to go to the bathroom, that “sense” or mindfulness is not always there. My bladder and holding the contents in seem to take priority. Oh the joys of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. It messes with your proprioception (where things are in space relation) of things. I have this for a long time. It hasn’t gotten better. I just compensate for it really well. But throw in fatigue and that compensation is out the window.

Having a huge boot on my foot won’t help the proprioception much. It will actually make things worse because I won’t be able to feel my foot. Hence why I do not want another boot. I hope I am getting ahead of myself. Thinking of all the possibilities that he could do. I could be placed in a cast. I have before to be kept immobile. I am not working so that doesn’t see like a big deal. When I was working it was a big deal because I had to get around the place. My boss yelled at me because I had to call out but then I showed him the big brace I was wearing and that quieted him down some. I understand that you don’t want your best employees to call out, but when they can’t walk around the lab, they are pretty much useless, especially when a doctor tells you to stay off your foot for twenty-four hours.

All these things can happen. Or nothing at all. Less than 24 hours to find out what the verdict will be. And hopefully, my anxiety will be less.

Cocktails

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

Cocktails

Lately I have started drinking again. Nothing major, just a shot of gin here and there, but the last few nights I have been wanting more than that. I actually have been craving the alcohol. I have been a binge drinker in the past so I am trying to stop it but I don’t think I can. And with the amount of pain meds I take, drinking that hard would be a disaster.

I have had a hell of a day. I really need to shower because not only did I crap myself, I also leaked. Fun. I swear next week I am getting the damn diapers so I don’t have to worry about soiling my underwear anymore. Oh and the weather decided to be back up to almost 80 and be muggy. I thought we were done with this shit. So I guess it was good I didn’t shower this morning like I wanted to because I would have to shower again tonight. I am waiting for my pain meds to kick in so I can stand long enough to do this task.

I had to deal with my father today, which is mostly the reason I drink. He just brings out the best of me because I have no other outlet. Today I spent all morning and most of the afternoon waiting for the stupid visiting nurse to deal with him. The nurse on Sunday got all his fucking meds wrong. What a fucking airhead. And today’s nurse had to look at all the bottles because I could be lying. No, I know what my father is taking, thank you very much. I go to each and every one of his medical appointments. I am his “secretary” when it comes to his medical stuff. Thing is, I am supposed to schedule his PCP appointment some how in the next two weeks and to fill him in on what has been going on. Yea, like I don’t have my own medical drama going on. Because I forgot and my app remembered, I didn’t take my blood pressure meds this morning. I didn’t think I was going to be all fucking day with this man and his stories. I spent the better part of my life with him and now as an adult, I realize I don’t have to have him in my life, but yet he is still there. Why I don’t know. Guilt is one reason. Responsibility is the other. And being the oldest, it falls on my shoulders. Today I was tested and tried. And that gin that I have been staring at since I got home is calling my name.

So I called my therapist and told her the pickle I am in. She flipped out on me. She didn’t like the thoughts of my pain meds being mixed with alcohol of any kind. I got reprimanded. Hell, I even got the don’t take any of my pain meds lecture. That is when I zoned out on her. I need my pain meds if I am to survive in this world. And when my ankle was telling me to fuck off today, I had to take something for it. Now it is a little bit more happy so I can possibly take a shower today and get out of the stinking clothes that I am in. My father made peppers and eggs and the smell got into my clothes. It is making my stomach do flip flops, which it has been doing all day because I got a migraine. I should have known today was going to be a bad day when I started gagging when I was at the bus stop this morning. And the coffee didn’t help me much. It helped with the headache and drowsiness, but did little to calm my stomach.

I am sure that gin is not going to help my stomach either. I hope tonight I can keep my word to my therapist that I won’t have a sip. But it does help me sleep good so I am weighing things in. Beside yell at me, there is nothing more she can do. I don’t know why my father aggravates me so much. Even at his medical appointment, he had to go on and on about his work history. The doctor, who is a really nice guy, was obliging to his stories that I have heard only a million times.

Now my mother is making broccoli rabi. I cannot stand the smell or taste of this damn vegetable. Maybe I will have just one sip of gin to calm the damn nerves…

worrying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up a couple of hours ago because my phone woke me up to tell me it was time for my medication. I didn’t want to get up, nor wake up. But I reluctantly did, took my meds and tried to get back to sleep. I am not sleeping as you can tell.

My thoughts seem to be revolving over my father. I feel like I am missing something with his medication. I just don’t know what it could be. All I know is that I am having a bad feeling about this and I don’t like it.

My pain is astronomical right now so I am not thinking clearly. My leg and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I think my ankle is going to win. I know I should probably read the stupid book I have about the civil war but it’s a drawn out affair. The author is dragging out 1861 like it was the only year of the civil war. I am completely bore by this book but I am one of “those” people that once I start a book, I have to finish it. So please don’t tell me how it ends, LOL. If I had known more about this book, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. It already took 276 pages before the war started. I have 500 more pages to read to get to the ending. I have no idea if they are going to stop talking about the war and a little bit of reconstruction or what. That might be volume II. I will say this, even though the author goes around in circles, he does write eloquently and keeps you engaged in the book. I wouldn’t recommend the book to anyone, unless they like long, drawn out books about the civil war. I primarily bought it to learn more about the battles of the Civil War but even those are hidden and not too clear. But I will finish the book, however long it takes me.

I don’t know why, but after I take my meds, I get really hungry. I usually just make something small, like a bowl of cereal. I have found that eating shredded wheat helps keep me full longer than any other cereal that I eat. And it keeps me regular so that is a plus.

I hope my father is going to be okay. I really don’t want another incident where he has to be in the hospital. I also hope this worrying is for nothing. I am going to try and go back to sleep now. After I have a little something to eat.