Category: blogging

Sunday hurt blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday hurt blog

I spent the morning dealing with my father. He had a visiting nurse come see him and she was all fucking stupid over his blood level. I was like, he hasn’t taken the drug in almost a week, of course the level is low!! But she needed a MD, a doctor, to explain it to her. Fucking moron.

Then I get home and as I was filling a pan with water I got dizzy. My mother sees this and then comments saying, what are you dizzy from working? FUCK YOU, I wanted to say to her. You know I was going to ask her for 5 bucks because I need it but I think I am going to stick it where it will really hurt her, my check that I give her. I will take $50 off it every time she is disrespectful to me. See how she likes that. She thinks she is being cute, be cute. You will end up with NOTHING and then I laugh. Thanks for being concerned and everything. Damn bitch. I never give her smart remarks when she is feeling ill. Nor would I. I am just so sick of both my parents being disrespectful to me.

OMG the dog from hell is barking in my neighborhood again. I wish I knew where this pooch lived so I could call animal control and have them silence the dog. There should be a law saying that a dog shouldn’t be out in public areas for 16 hours a day! That is just cruel!! I really just want a muzzle put on the yapper. Stupid fucking dog, and they always seem to put the dog out when I want a nap. Fuckers.

I am just in a pissed off mood today. I didn’t sleep too well and I had to get up early for my father’s bullshit appointment. I have one day where I have a reprieve from him. Then I got to deal with him on Tuesday again. Just shoot me, please??

Because I missed my psychiatrist’s appointment, I don’t have one in the books. She hasn’t answered my email and I am getting ticked off. But I know this is the game we play. I email her a thousand times until she answers. Then I go to voicemail, then I go to paging her. Just to get another appointment. I wish I could just call the office but she does her own scheduling. Another annoyance. Is it gin o’clock yet?

I have been drinking gin a little more than I should and I don’t really care. I need an escape hatch. I nearly killed my father, unintentionally and I feel it is my fault he developed an ulcer. If I kept on his medication, this probably wouldn’t have happened but God knows when the last time he ran out of his medication. Now I got to deal with his PCP, who is clueless about the current events. I will do that after I had a chance to talk to my sister about her car availability. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. Probably have him switch to another PCP in Boston. I don’t know if that is going to happen soon or not. I’ll have to find out on Tuesday because Monday is a holiday. UGH.

I am feeling really stressed out about having to take care of my father’s medical issues. I don’t know if it’s because I have been in pain more I just can’t handle stress the way I used to, or what. My leg is killing me as I am writing this and all I want to do is take a nap. I just wish the pain would stop so I could think a little more clearly. Pain is just inhibiting my vulnerability and I don’t like it. But there is nothing I can really do about it. I just hate feeling vulnerable.

Therapy Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Therapy woes

I had my session with my therapist today and not for nothing, she is a complete air head. I kept telling her I was pissed at HER and she was rubbing it off on my family members, like they were the source of my being mad. Then she was convinced that Jack was the source of the being pissed. I told her I was mad because you didn’t text me back yesterday. I felt that was a legitimate reason to be mad. I texted her at 0730 and there was plenty of time for her to text me a message that she was unavailable. It would only take a couple seconds, well with her maybe a few minutes, but still. Common courtesy. She says she doesn’t text. Bullshit. Most of our communication about sessions are about texts so how can she NOT text. She is just being naïve and that pissed me off more. Most she could have said was that she was too busy and didn’t have the time to text me back. That I might have accepted. But she didn’t. She read my other texts from that day. She read part of the blog I sent her so I know she got my texts.

I then cancelled tomorrow’s session as I am done with her for the week. Our next session isn’t until next week. She doesn’t like it but tough. She was trying to talk me into keeping it but I was against it. I am just so pissed off I don’t want to talk with her. And it is against her. I am tired of feeling like this is a one-way street, I give her input but she never returns it, and I am not just talking about getting back to me about the appointment. I feel like I give her so much and I just get so little in return. Nothing I write about gets acknowledged or validated, least not without some prompting. Most I get is, “yea, I read your text”. So I am left with what am I supposed to do when I feel like that again. I just have to figure out every thing on my own, why bother with therapy? She is just being so useless lately. All last week she just kept on harping on my father and losing spoons. That was what we chatted about ALL THREE SESSIONS. It was like a repeat button on all the days we were talking. I am thinking of sending her this blog but what would be the point? She reads how I feel and then what? We deal with her anxiety over the fact she is clueless about treating me all of a sudden? She still wants Jack to come out and she thinks that is what is causing me to be angry but it is not, not 100% anyways.

I have to deal with my father on Tuesday and I don’t want to be in a public place when we talk. I have no idea when the appointment is, as I will find out on Thursday. I missed the call and I figured might as well wait till Thursday so my father is informed that he has to see another doctor for his problem. I really don’t want to be squeezed with time as I have no idea how long this appointment is going to last. Specialists are rarely on time with appointment schedules. Even the doc he will see on Thursday runs late all the time.

So with Tuesday being out, I have a week of no therapy. Maybe this break will be what I need to regroup and think about where to go from here. I don’t know what I am doing in therapy anymore. I told her today that I wanted to quit therapy and she was like you can’t make that decision when you are angry. Fuck. I can’t stand her. I guess I am wanted her to be reciprocal in what we talk about but I guess that is not going to be the case. We seem to be always talking about apples and oranges lately and I think talking on the phone is the problem. She doesn’t pick up things when I talk but I do pick up things when she talks. She just isn’t as insightful as I she once was. I don’t know when this happened. Maybe it’s been there all along and I just never picked it up until now. But it’s pissing me off going through stuff and not being heard. Like I told her, Saturdays seems to be a bad pain day for whatever reason and I will think about ending my life. Did she offer any resources to deal with this? NO. Did she even acknowledge my suicidality surrounding this? No. So now that I don’t have my therapist to text to anymore, I have decided to use twitter for my venting. I know it leaks to Facebook, but I don’t care. Most people on twitter don’t listen to what I say anyways, despite having over 200 followers. If I am not going to get an acknowledgement from her, at all, I might as well seek other sources of validation. I know I am a nobody. I am not famous in any sense of the word. Funny that the song by Luke Bryan, “Do I”, came on my MP3 shuffle just now. Song is fitting. “Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Baby, do I?” that line seems to resonate with me right now. I just want to know if I am still good enough for therapy or if I should be turned away and get on with my life. Even if I do send this to my therapist, there is no way I can know if she reads it or not. I won’t know until the next time I talk with her. It’s not like she is going to text me or anything. She couldn’t even pick up the fact that I was crying on the phone today. WTF. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately.

It will really suck having to stop therapy and go see someone else. But I don’t know what to do anymore. Seems like after my hospitalization things have gone downhill. And I don’t know what to do to make things uphill anymore. She talks and talks and hardly listens. Then when she does listen, I have to make sure she is still on the line because things are so quiet on her end. For all I know I am talking to thin air and I think that sometimes I am. She is just not on the same page with me anymore and frankly, I don’t even think we are reading the same book. It is really frustrating the hell out of me.

managing out the window

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Managing out the window

The other night, I was having a bad night of pain. I kept texting my therapist that I was having suicidal thoughts of overdosing on my pain medication. The pain was driving me to my wits end. But I some how got through that night.

Today I am in the same spot. I am in pain but am not quite suicidal. I am, however, fighting a migraine that is affecting my vision. AND sounds are bothering me big time. Like my mother who is in the kitchen, playing her dice game. It is annoying the shit out of me right now. I want to scream at her for not watching TV. I rather hear the sounds of the television than the dice game. Plus, to make matters worse, we have a glass tabletop so that just echoes the sounds through out the house. I swear because my mother is deaf, she doesn’t realize how loud she is playing.

I didn’t do anything today. I have been very sleepy for most of the day. Probably because my sleep has been interrupted for the past two nights. Again, all because my father wants attention. Today my sister called me and because the idiot doctor didn’t put her credentials on the prescription, we can’t get it filled. Now I have to call his PCP to see if they can send him the medication. I doubt they will send it off without being seen. And I don’t know how I am going to get him to the doctor’s when I don’t have access to a car. UGH, this sucks.

What sucks more is that I am supposed to be working on this book that I am co-writing but I have no idea what I am going to write. I am feeling pressure to write and the material is there, I just have to focus. But the focus is not there, making it difficult to write. I wrote a page last night but I feel like it is crap. I have to work on it a little bit. Or a lot.

Right now I feel like a fucking cow. My stomach is all bloated for some reason. I feel like the fat around my midsection is strangling me. I hate feeling this way. I never felt like this before, but then, I have gained so much weight the past few weeks. I know it is because of my depression that I have gained weight. Plus, it is not like I am really active with my ankle being sore. I have been a lump on a log, just eating and eating. I don’t know how I am going to manage to keep the weight off when I am so depressed. And I am in so much pain, that I don’t care. It’s a bad cycle.

I had therapy today and my therapist suggested that we have another crisis response plan specifically for my pain cycle. That I should do something other than stare at a bottle of pills. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just happened to count how many were left in the bottle. Then I calculated how much medication I would be ingesting. I don’t think the odds were in my favor. Plus, I really wanted to go to my reunion and I think that saved me from taking the pills. But the texts scared my therapist. I guess I was in a bad place looking back. But when I was in that moment, all I wanted to do was end the pain. And if my life had to end too, I wasn’t going to fight for it. Luckily, wanting to see my friends from the past overtook my desire to take the pills, this time.

nuances of Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today has already been a long day. I again had weird dreams and then woke up before my alarm by at least a half hour. I didn’t do anything to wake up. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep until the alarm went off. I should have grabbed a pop tart as I was hungry by the time I got dressed and stuff. I had my coffee and wrote until it was time to see my doc.

I am happy that I my PCP listened to me and gave me enough pills to cover me for the month. However, I am unable to fill it. I have to wait two days for my next refill. I had a feeling it was going to be too early and I was right. Fuck! I have two pills to last me 2.5 days? And then the pharmacist tells me they are changing the classification of the medication. I don’t know what that means. She said I would have to go to the doctor to get the prescription. Well, I do that anyways so I don’t see the big deal. They already ask me for my ID. Now if they need a diagnosis, they are getting cauda equina syndrome.

After my appointment, I felt a little energetic so I walked the long block to the other bus stop. I did it in less than 10 mins, which is good for me. It was 0.4 miles. I am guessing that is my limit without pain. If I walk more than that, then I am hurting, which is good to know. I didn’t have to walk back so that was good. I figure, if I can slowly increase my walk route, from where I walked before (1.2 miles roundtrip) I should be able to slowly lose weight and feel better about walking. But then there are days where just going around the block can cause me pain so I guess today is a good day. It started out rough because I was walking in mud. I didn’t think I would be able to walk to the bus stop when I left my house this morning. But after my doctor’s appointment, I had some energy and felt like I could do it. I know there are time I might not be always able to, but today I count that as an accomplishment. Now, to just hope that I am not hurting big time tonight and the next few days. My ankle is throbbing but it’s mild. I am not swearing, least not yet.

So I am disappointed that I can’t get the new script filled and that next month might be more of a hassle getting it filled. I knew these changes were going to happen. It’s all because a senator’s son overdose on narcotic medication. His belief is that the meds “caused him to commit suicide, not the pain”. What a crock. He is clueless so people with chronic pain now have to suffer because of this idiot, who is not even a medical professional!! I really “love” when these non-medical people make decisions for us. It makes treating chronic pain that much more difficult and no one many commit suicide because they cannot be helped by their doctors.

I did have a problem with making a month appointment with my doctor for next month. I just hope it isn’t too soon or too late. That is the problem that I have been having lately, getting an appointment with my doctor for my pain meds. It shouldn’t be this hard. So I have to wait for the secretary to call me.

I am glad I can walk the distance I did today. I hope that tomorrow I can walk again without pain. But we’ll see what happens tonight.