Category: blogging

hard day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been having a bad day. I am still in a lot of pain with my ankle. I didn’t get to sleep till after one in the morning and then my phone kept on going off. Some idiot that is an unknown number calls me at 08:40 every single morning. And then will call me an hour or two later. I was too lazy to turn over and shut my sound off. I got up around eleven and took some pain meds and I was completely gone for the day, as what usually happens when I take my pain meds during the day. Funny now that I think about it, this same reaction doesn’t happen at night. I don’t understand why as I am taking the same dose. Weird.

Because my writing partner has taken today off, I decided I would too. It is a holiday after all. And my pain is making it impossible to think anyways.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am sort of looking forward to it. I really just want to spend the day sleeping like I did today. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. It is too fricken muggy and hot in the house to do anything and I stay in my room anyways. I do need to go out. I need to get some half and half for my coffee. I didn’t have any coffee today because I didn’t want it. I can go days without coffee. I like having it but it’s not a necessity. Some days I wake up and feel the need to have it.

Last night I was listening to Luke Bryan’s CD for most of the night. I found that I couldn’t turn it off and it wasn’t until I got really sleepy did I shut it off. They say that music can be addicting and I think I am addicted. I have to listen to music everyday. It doesn’t matter what I listen to. Right now it’s Luke but that might change over the next few days and I will go back to my mixed playlist.

I had a real hard time last night as the pain was driving me nuts. I wrote a second blog that turned into an email. I sent it to my support group. I just got belittled. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings. I was in a very vulnerable state. Some did validate it but some didn’t. Then I found myself getting angry. And I had no idea why I was seeing red. I don’t know why I was getting so upset. These people know what I am going through because they have been there. So I have no idea why I was getting so angry. I still am kind of angry and want to just go off. I think I am just displacing my anger at myself to them. I just felt really bad that I couldn’t go out to see my friend last night because I was in such horrid pain. I sent him an email and then I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying for almost an hour. I never cry. But I just had this overwhelming sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t control. Sadness that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer the person that could do everything and it hurt. I wanted to do so much yesterday and could only do two things. I ran out of spoons. And I found it hard to live with that.

writing, pain, and music

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Woke up to my phone sounding emergency broadcast. Scared the hell out of me and then I heard a big BOOM of thunder. Wicked bad rain and flash floods in my area. Just wonderful on a cloudy Sunday.

I also woke up to my back hurting me and of course my ankle. I just took a shower so it really doesn’t like me right now. But I had to take a shower as it has been days since my last one. I was feeling pretty gross.

Today I am supposed to meet up with a friend for the movies. I hope my ankle pain has stopped by then. I also am planning on going to the grocery store to get the ingredients needed to make my cupcakes. I really want to do something today rather than just lay in bed resting my ankle. I know that going to the store and then making the cupcakes are going to hurt me big time. I am not looking forward to it. What is worse is that my sister is having a BBQ today. I don’t see how as the weather has on and off downpours for the next several hours. She wants me to bring the cupcakes. I don’t know how I am going to do all this. And just the thought of it is stressing me out. Stress and already being in pain is not a good thing. I just put a brace on my ankle. Pain is getting unreal but I don’t want to take more pain meds because I have things to do today. I just want to go to the grocery store and get the supplies I need for these damn cupcakes. But I just heard thunder rolling again so maybe today is not going to be the day to go.

I also have to write four pages for my book. I thought today I would talk about the struggle of being transgender. I don’t know if I can stretch it to four pages but I can try. Or I might talk about something else. What, I have no friggen idea.

I am mad crazy listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD Crash my party. There is not a song I don’t like. I have listened to one song, Play it again, over and over and over. Guess you can say I have been playing it again and again. Or as Luke says Agin! He has become one of my favorite male artists. I don’t know why I like him so much. He just has a good voice and his songs get me into a good mood. It’s like listening to Taylor Swift when I am having a bad day. Crash my Party is by far the song that gets me all mushy inside when I hear it.

I did too much. I went to the grocery store and then picked up my prescription. No movie tonight. No cupcakes made. Just listening to the ball game now and trying to relax. I am in so much pain. I feel really bad for my friend that wants to see me. I can’t even bring myself to call him back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to do all the things I wanted to do today. I know I went up and down the stairs too much. Not only does walking around the grocery store did me in but going to and from my sister’s apartment did also. I just can’t win and it gets me really depressed. It really sucks to not have use of your feet.

I know I should call my friend and let him know that I am useless today. I know either way he will be disappointed. I hate disappointing people. But I can’t do too much on my feet anymore today. I need to rest my ankle otherwise I am going to be in more pain. And I can’t be going down the stairs anymore. Even though I really want to go downstairs and watch a DVR program. I am really upset with myself. I hate that I can’t do more than just take my shower, go to the grocery store and then I have to rest because I am in pain. It’s not that I am exhausted and need to rest. I still have energy but I just can’t STAND. I can’t WALK. It is just that I am in PAIN. It is a 9 and I really don’t want it to get above a 9 because I will really be in agony, more so than I am in now. I have a high pain tolerance. Usually anything above a 7 will get me to slow down. But I feel energetic so I am pushing myself. But now I have pushed myself too much. I hate that I have energy and can’t do anything with it. I feel so bad. I even took a pain med before I took a shower hoping to keep my pain in check but it didn’t do anything. I took another pill after I came home from the grocery store and still my pain has not calmed down, though it has calmed my nerves down. I really, really hate this. I honestly have no idea how I was able to work two jobs with this pain. I know I ignore most of it but I guess when you don’t have anything to distract you, you think about it more. I am not saying the pain is in my head. I know it is not. If I touch my ankle, I will scream. Right now it is feeling a little better now that I have it elevated and not putting any type of pressure on it.

I am going to stop here because I still need to write up some pages for my book. Until tomorrow…

What is fine for one day is not fine for another

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Watched the Ohio State football game until halftime. They were leading 30-13 at the half when I decided to take a snooze. I thought I would only be out for twenty minutes. The twenty minutes turned into two hours! I missed the second half of the game. Final score was 40-20. Buckeyes have their first win of the season!

I had ordered some journals as a reward for my writing. I didn’t think I was going to open the package but I wanted to see if that is what I wanted. One of the journals is, the other is not so I am going to return it. It’s so hard buying journals online because you can’t see what they look like before you buy them. Though right now, even though there is a grocery store just a little ways from me, I want to order some ingredients for my cupcake recipe just so I don’t have to go to the store. It’s not like I hate going, its more that I don’t want to waste time on my feet and suffer the consequences afterwards that is preventing me from going. I wanted to go today but I am in a grouchy mood after I woke up from my nap. The kids next door are screamers and there still is a little dog that loves to fricken yap. I want to muzzle all of them! So they got me in a bad mood. I have been up since six this morning because I wanted to listen to my favorite DJ on the country countdown 40. She was filling in for the regular guy Bob Kingsley. I just hope they don’t take her away from Boston!! It was good to hear her voice.

As I was up so early and didn’t know what else to do beside listen to the radio play country hits, I wrote a few pages for my book. I am one page shy of completing my goal for the day. I don’t know what I wanted to write about. I thought what I did write was going to take up four pages, or more, but my condensed style of writing fixed that plan. I guess if I could bullshit, I could write more but it isn’t in me. I can’t bullshit my way out of a paper bag! I found that writing in college way horrendous when something had to be a certain length, like they almost always do. Sometimes I had to make stuff up and it was painful. I am a literal person so I write things literally. The only time I was creative was when I was taking a creative writing course. And eventually, my creativeness got blocked. Half way through the semester, I ran out of gas to my stories. I found that I was writing dark stuff and it was just draining. I couldn’t write a happy story if you paid me. I would have had to experience happiness and I never have.

I finally got Luke Bryan’s latest CD and I love it. There is a song, “Play it again”, that I have been listening to almost non-stop. It is such a cool song. That was one of the reasons I had to listen to the Country top 40. I wanted to see if any songs from this CD made it and sure enough, the first song, that’s my kind of night, was like 28 or something like that. And the CD has been out for only two weeks! I love Luke Bryan’s music.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go out with a friend to see a movie. I am hoping my foot isn’t too bad as I had to cancel plans last week. It sucks when you have chronic pain and can’t keep or make plans because of it. Even though my foot is under the covers, I am still having pain and spasms. I haven’t done anything to warrant it, except going up and down stairs a little bit too much today. But I never know what is too much or not. What is fine for one day is not fine for another. It is so frustrating! That is why I am afraid to go to the grocery store for fear that my plans for tomorrow will have to be canceled because I will have to rest. It sucks.

random things 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I wrote a lot today. And have had exciting news. Two of my blogs have had good success today. My paper on adequate pain control and suicide and my other blog post about a morning post got viewed as “required reading” by a new counseling website that cited the Masters in counseling site! I am in the top 100 website for bipolar and depression. I am very excited.

I got my coffee today. Kati Kati has been discontinued. I am saddened by this but Starbucks does not disappoint. I now have my Hawaiian Ka’u blend back. I think it is a fall favorite as they have had it for the past two years now. It gave me the jolt I needed to get four pages done on my manuscript for the book I am writing.

It is a chilly day today. I am back to wearing my winter pajamas as the temp has dropped. I haven’t eaten anything since last night. I am afraid to because my gastritis flared up after having pork. Though I love the taste, it does not agree with my GI tract. I was up half the night in severe stomach pain. Luckily, I didn’t get the runs.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I had the NEED to write so that is what I did. I started writing in one journal and then I switched to another journal. I didn’t want to open my laptop because I usually end up on Facebook and then it’s goodbye Joe. I don’t get anything done but I am still up half the night. I slept late, till around ten in the morning. I was hoping my therapist might have a session open but she doesn’t. I was supposed to go to the movies with a friend and that busted as he was called into work. We worked out that Sunday we will see the Butler. I have no idea what this movie is about. I will find out Sunday when I go.

I had a hard time writing in my journal while at Starbucks today. All the buzz around my blog made it difficult to concentrate. I guess I was distracted because I have to go food shopping and I hate it. Though I really don’t have anything to buy. I just want to get ingredients to make pumpkin cupcakes. I love pumpkin. I can’t wait till pumpkin spice lattes are back in Starbucks.

Because I didn’t have therapy today, I took the day off from analyzing my grief. But I wrote about it in my book, a little bit anyways. I still feel like I have a huge weight on my chest. Maybe if I talk a little more about the grief it will go away. I copied the blog I wrote “loss of self” into my therapist’s new notebook. I excluded some things where I rambled for a little bit. I think that she should know about this blog. I sent it to her but she might not read it before our next session as it is pretty long.

I have been in an up mood most of the day. I am feeling proud of myself for accomplishing something big with my blog. I hope that people find it useful and that new therapists do too.