Category: chronic physical pain

900th Blog Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

900th post

I thought of reviewing the book “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes, but I never got around to it. It will make its way to this blog one day just not today. Maybe my 1000th blog.

I had therapy this morning. I was really sleepy so didn’t really want to talk. She called me a new name and now I forgot it. It was really funny at the time. Maybe if I can get back to that sleepy state of mind I can remember it.

She asked me about my suicidality a few times. I basically told her I had no means to kill myself with. And because I don’t, I don’t want to try. Sure I can go down to the basement and see if I can kill myself there but I really don’t think I can pull it off. I have too much going on with me. I asked her if she still needs me to be around. And she almost got choked up. Answer was yes. I felt like I had to ask because we haven’t seen each other in so long. I was wondering if talking with her was still worth it.

I don’t know if I am suicidal enough to warrant being in the hospital. Sure, I rather be dead because I hate living in pain all the time. I cooked dinner tonight and then went to pick up my niece. My ankle had a heart attack by the time I came back home. It was really hurting and upset with me.

It’s 0530 am. I just realized that I didn’t send this out so I might as well keep writing. I finally got my ankle to calm down some. I had broken sleep but any sleep at this point and I will take it. I just took a muscle relaxer because I forgot to take it with my night time meds. I have to call the doc today and let him know how I am doing with it. I don’t think there has been much change in the pain department like he was hoping. I might be on a too low a dose or maybe I need to take it more during the day. I don’t know. I have been taking it at least twice a day since I got started on it. I was desperate for pain relief because I was running low on my pain meds. If the muscle relaxer just helped me to sleep, I would be ok but it doesn’t even slow me down. Very disappointing. I hope he doesn’t change to another med because I just can’t afford it. My last 10 bucks has to go toward getting Powerade so I can take my meds at night. I can’t take it with water because I hate the taste of meds with it. I got to have something else to take the taste away. I just hope the drink is on sale this week.

Because I messed up on getting my refill on my BCP, I now have my menses. With all the drama of last week with my father, I just plain forgot to call my doc and refill the pills. This sucks because I don’t know how long I will have it for. It has been two months since my last period so I am hoping it will end soon. I am going to restart the pill again on Sunday anyway, even if I am still continuing to bleed. It is so frustrating for me because it still proves I am in the wrong body and that makes me sad. I had a dream that I told my mother off. Maybe I am getting closer to telling her my true feelings. I don’t know. Funny how two people can live together yet not really know one another, even if we are related. I hope one day that dream comes true and then I can live my life the way its meant to be lived. I don’t have to be in the closet anymore about my true self. Not like I am hiding now, but I just don’t talk about it. And if I go ahead with the transition, that would be awesome. But I think that will be a dream. My therapist brought up gender dysphoria while we were talking and I guess that is where the source of my dream came from. I just really want to grow a beard and have a mastectomy. That is all I want. If I could donate my breasts for transplants, I would in a heart beat. But alas, that is one tissue that can never be transplanted. Such a shame. Breast cancer doesn’t run in my family so I can’t even go for a medical reason. And they are not too large enough for a reduction. But then, I don’t want a reduction. I want them GONE!!

random nothingness

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t do anything today but have breakfast. I didn’t have lunch because it was a late breakfast and I am not really hungry.

I had therapy today, on the phone, and my therapist is worried about me losing weight. She hasn’t seen me in months so I doubt that the twenty or so pounds I gained will show up on the phone. I told her I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to go up the next size. I just have to be strict so I had three cookies today. Shows you how committed I am to losing weight. It’s hard not to eat the damn cookies my mother bought. They call my name and I have no will power today because I am hurting. My calves still hurt from either walking up the hill or doing stretches on Monday. I haven’t done that exercise today. I tried the balancing one until my ankle pain exploded and that was the end of that. I did it for about twenty seconds so I say that is an improvement. If I can get to a minute without holding on, that will be a HUGE improvement but I am not holding my breath on that. I don’t like the fact that my foot muscles try and compensate for balancing. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I had to reschedule my PT appointment because of my damn father. I will see him next Tuesday afternoon. I also have to call and reschedule my eye appointment too because my therapist is in the office that day. Bugger. I was banking on her being off that day. Wrong.

I still don’t know what I am going to do about my calf muscles. They hurt and I don’t know if doing nothing is helping or not. I know that my pain level in my ankle hasn’t been affected at all. It still hurts when I do nothing. It is so frustrating being in pain all the time. I still have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my last medication of the month. I don’t know how I am going to finagle that. But I managed to pick it up just a little while ago.

When I got up from the bed, I noticed my vacant spot had a spot on it. Apparently I fucking shit the bed, literally. I am so upset as this hasn’t happened ever to me in my adult life. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner. I had a feeling I went but there was no loose stool when I went to the bathroom. I thought I was ok but this was just watery stuff. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I am going to have to wear pads. I have been avoiding wearing them because they irritate my skin after a while. I really don’t know what else to do. If I go to the doc, he is just going to refer me to a colorectal surgeon. And I really don’t want a doc poking me there. I am embarrassed more than I can say. This is the second time in a week I have shit myself. I just am not going to fart anymore unless I am on a toilet. Wonder how that is going to last. I really hate myself right now for letting this happen. I thought I felt something my last fart but I wasn’t sure. I feel like an idiot now.

random 345

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Our power just went out. It has been a long day for me and I am glad the power is gone because that means I can possibly take a nap without the internet distracting me. I find it hard to sleep when there are new messages from Twitter. I am so addicted to it and my game.

I was supposed to go with my sister today for my father’s appointment. I wasn’t feeling good as my throat hurt and my nose was all clogged up. I think I am getting a fricken cold. Just what I need. I also haven’t been sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night. It is killing me. I can’t remember the last time I slept even 6 hours straight. What kills me is that my meds should knock me out solid for the night but they don’t anymore. The new medication I started a few days ago should knock me out but it doesn’t. I don’t know if it is doing anything for me anyways. I have noticed no change in my pain and swelling. I am still sore from PT yesterday. My calves are killing me from the stretching exercises. I haven’t done all my exercises today. I just did the ones were you bring your toes up while sitting down. I also tried the balancing but I couldn’t stand too long on my left foot, not even for 15 secs because my foot was using every muscle to try and keep my balance and it hurt doing it. The only exercise I didn’t do was the stretching of the calf. I am sore, as I said, and didn’t want to tax my calf more than it already is. I will do all three exercises tomorrow, if my foot pain isn’t too great.

I went to Starbucks despite feeling like I got a cold. I needed coffee. I also wanted a chance to get out of the house and back to my routine. I sat and had my latte while writing in my journal until the next bus came. I didn’t write consistently in my journal. I had to email my pdoc because I am running out of my Ativan. She still has not responded and is pissing me off. I am tempted to page her to get her to do what I want but that sounds pathetic. But it will beat playing the email game. If I don’t hear from her tomorrow morning, I will page her to get my script and an appointment with her.

I made an appointment for my eyes in the next few weeks. I have been noticing some vision changes when I switch glasses, from my bifocal to my single vision. I don’t know how I am going to afford a new pair of glasses but I will figure it out. I always do.

I have been in pain most of the day and I have been really tired. But I haven’t been able to nap. Last night, I went to bed before 9 and I woke up at 1. Went back to sleep at 2 only to wake up around 6. It sucked. So despite wanting to take a nap right now, I am trying to avoid it and sleep around 10 or 11 pm. My body is not going to like staying up that late but I really don’t want to go to bed at 9 and wake up around 2 am again. I don’t know why my limit seems to be 4-5 hours of sleep lately. I hope it changes tonight.

I mailed out my book to the American Association of Suicidology today. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know if it will be well received or tossed out. There is no way of me knowing. And I don’t know how long the process is going to be. I am taking a huge chance with them. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.

TS, PT, and anxiety

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Taylor Swift day

At midnight, Taylor Swift released her fifth album, 1989. Sadly, I don’t have funds to purchase this album yet so I have been in a funk all day. I have been watching her on TV hoping she would sing a song but it’s mostly talking that she is doing, not that I mind. I love hearing about her life and how she creates her songs. She is very personable and she gives back to her fans which is a unique quality of hers. How many artists invite their fans to their living room?? None that I know of, other than Taylor. I have to wait a month to get the CD. I hope I can wait that long.

I went to physical therapy today, against my better judgment. I am hurting but not as bad as I was expecting. I probably will hurt more later when I want to go to sleep for the night. Getting there was a challenge as there was a steep hill to walk up. I was out of breath and wheezing by the time I reached the top. And I was an hour early for my appointment. There was no way I could have prevented that as I had to take two buses to get there and I wasn’t sure where I had to get off on the second bus I had to take. But now I know. I don’t know if I am going to continue with it. The guy didn’t seem to interested in caring for me. And he gave me the same damn home exercises that I always have been using the past 13 fucking years. I feel like instead of stepping ahead, I went back. I am so disappointed. And what is worse, I know that these exercises aren’t going to do anything. If they worked, I would be fine. He also thinks that I don’t have foot drop and don’t need the AFO. Idiot doesn’t know that I turn my foot when my foot gets fatigued. He had me do exercises today that really taxed me. I had to stop after a few minutes of doing them because my foot exploded in pain. He didn’t do anything more than stretch my calves and tax my foot. The guy didn’t know how to use a reflex hammer. He tried testing my knee reflexes and he kept hitting my knee cap instead of the spot below it. Moron. I still have no ankle reflexes, yay me! My sensation was off, as I knew it would be. I really don’t think that after all this time, I am going to get it back. I really think that going to physical therapy is going to be a huge waste of time if I continue to get the same exercises I have been doing for years. But we’ll see. I see the guy next week and we’ll see if things change at all. In the meantime, I have to get this pain under control.

When I came home from the appointment, I felt winded. I didn’t do any inclines at all on the way home. Everything was level while walking home. But by the time I climbed the first flight of stairs, I felt like I ran up the stairs. I was wicked out of breath and that usually never happens unless I happen to hold my breath while going up. I don’t know why I have a habit of doing that. But this time I didn’t and I was coughing and wheezing. After a few minutes of rest, the wheezing stopped but the feeling of being short of breath didn’t go away. After I climbed the second flight of stairs to my room, I realized it was anxiety so I took some Ativan. Now the feeling is gone and I am breathing normal and not feeling out of breath or short of breath. I don’t know what brought this on as I really haven’t had anything to cause me anxiety. But I have had a lot of phone calls today that I had to make and that I received. I hope it wasn’t because of the cup of coffee I had this morning. After I drank it, I felt kind of nervous. It really gave me the jitters but it settled down once I got to the bus stop on the way to PT. I thought that it was gone but something set it off. I didn’t have anything caffeinated. I didn’t even have so much as water after I had my coffee. I ate when I came home as I skipped breakfast. I made scrambled eggs with toast and drank juice with it. It’s so weird for me to have anxiety and not know it. I am usually not an anxious person. But I am glad that the feeling went away with Ativan.

I am excited that my boxes of cereal came today along with my pumpkin spice and two books. I really don’t know why I bought the books as I have started numerous ones and have yet to finish one. But one is about graveyards so I thought I would read that starting on Halloween. We’ll see if I finish it.