Category: chronic physical pain

Football, Pain, and Social Media

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tomorrow I have a mess of phone calls to make and I need to get to the physical therapy (PT) appointment in the morning. I am really nervous about getting there and also just in general. I hope the guy is a good guy and not a shmuck. I have never been to this health center before so it will really be a test of my navigation to find the place. I will be going by public transportation and according to the T’s website, it is a block from the bus stop. I just hope it isn’t more than that as I might not be able to make it. I was talking to a friend that used to live in the area and she said there is a hill to go up. I don’t do well on walking uphill. I guess I will find out how steep it is when I get there tomorrow. Got to love Boston and its surrounding areas for being hilly.

Pain wise, I am hurting. I have decided that I won’t take any pain medication unless it become unbearable. I have no choice as my pain pill supply is on its last leg. I cannot refill my script until Tuesday and I have just four pills left. So as much as I really would love to take a pain pill right now, I can’t. This sucks so bad. If my doc would listen to me and actually give me the amount of pills I am taking a day, there wouldn’t be a problem. But he doesn’t so I get screwed.

My mood has been stable despite being in chronic pain the last few days. I haven’t been despondent and in despair. I have been trying to keep myself busy with my game and working on tweeting quotes from the book, “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes. I was tweeting last night before the OSU game. What a fucking game it was last night. A nail biter till the end. I couldn’t stand the crowd last night as the noise they were making was unreal. Even though the home team was down, they still were cheering as if they were winning. Got to give them credit for that as the team came back only to lose in overtime. It was the first football game I watched all season. In between commercials I switched to the ball game. I don’t know how many times the Giants had the bases loaded and they cashed in. I didn’t see the last few innings. Last I saw they had broken the tie and were winning 7-4. The final score was 11-4 so they obviously score more runs while I was watching the overtime football game. I don’t understand how the overtime game was played as they didn’t have a time clock for the plays and then the team lost on 4th down. They couldn’t punt or score a field goal as they needed a touchdown to win. After the loss of downs, the game was over. I never seen anything like it before. Maybe that is just the way college overtime is played.

I chatted tonight in BPDChat (borderline Personality Disorder) on Twitter. It is amazing to me how many chats I have participated in with Twitter. I really like it because I get to meet interesting people with the same thoughts and understanding for the different topics that I chat in. I like the SPSM chats because they deal with suicide prevention and from there I have met some interesting clinicians that I follow and they follow me. I also get to promote my book the best I can through Twitter via hashtags. I really love Twitter and all that it has done for me. It helps me know there are real people in the world that I can converse with and not be hidden by. I am alone most of the time in my room because of my immobility. I don’t have social meetings with friends anymore and the friends that I did have, I have lost. Most of it is because I don’t have a car anymore so meeting up with them has been difficult. I also don’t socialize with my family on some days because my pain is too great to go down the stairs. So social media (FB and Twitter) has been a great support for me.

Saturday Blog 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 13

I am wicked sore today after all the poking and prodding the new doc did yesterday. But I persevered and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am supposed to take it only at night but I am in so much pain that I decided to try it during the day. So far, I notice no difference. I will take it tonight and I hope that with my other meds, I get to sleep. I am not sleepy at all from one dose and taking my pain meds. The new doc recommended that I wear a brace so I have that on, though I am ready to take it off because it is hurting me. I have had it on the last few hours so I need a break from it. It hasn’t been helpful for me. Going down the stairs hurts me more than going up with it on.

I think part of the reason I have not crashed is because I had coffee today. I still feel awake and like I can do anything, least mentally wise. I think I am going to write my therapist a letter when I finish this blog. I don’t know what I am going to write. But I will figure something out.

Last night I was in a rough space. The prognosis for my ankle doesn’t look good. The idea that I have to go back to physical therapy after all this time just makes me cringe. I just hope I don’t have a “god” like therapist. I want someone that is willing to work with me, not against me. I don’t know what they are going to do but we’ll see. I start therapy on Monday. I just hope I can find the place. I also hope that the therapist doesn’t treat me for a back injury like the last therapist did. I went to therapy for an obvious ankle injury not because my back was hurting yet I was given exercises for my back.

Due to this prospect, my mood took a hit. I really felt down because I know there is not really much that can be do for tendonitis other than what I have been doing. But the fact that more tendons are involved means that I am not moving my ankle correctly and I know that it is going to be painful to correct it. My stupid brother in law seems to think that I will need back surgery to correct it. He is a complete idiot when it comes to medical stuff. It really pissed me off when he said this because the damage is already done. I am trying to compensate for what I lost and that is why all my tendons are screwed up. And the thought of being in a hinged AFO forever is daunting. The fact that I have to walk with a mobile device is in itself depressing to me. And the fact that this happened almost 14 years ago kills me. I still blame myself for not getting the care I should have. I should have found someone that had experience in nerve rehab. But I was too busy trying to keep my job and stay sane so who had time for that? I didn’t know I wasn’t walking incorrectly. I was also busy fighting the pain of losing what I had and trying to gain it back. I thought, after several years, I was finally going to be okay. I was working close to full time and things were going okay until I got struck with CES again. Then all that I gained back, was lost, this time forever. But I was wiser this time around. I knew what kind of rehab I wanted to get better. And I seriously thought that after 9 months of intense physical therapy, I was better. I had no idea that I wasn’t. But I was too proud to admit that I wasn’t because I found a script from my neurologist saying to be evaluated for an AFO in 2008. If I had followed through, things might have not been as bad as they are today. And I am kicking myself big time for that. It’s my fault because I have no one else to blame.

OSU game will be on at eight on channel 5, least I hope it will. It said ABC so am hoping that is nationwide. I really would love to watch a college football game today. Nebraska killed Rutgers today, 42-24. But watching the game depends on how much pain I am in. Right now I am at an 8 and I am not doing anything but type up this blog. I have my foot up and it still hurts. I know that if I go down the stairs I will be in pain (I don’t have a TV in my room for several reasons). So right now, the game is up in the air, but I definitely will be watching out for tweets on the score and stuff on Twitter.

Lazy stormy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a cold, stormy day so I didn’t venture outside at all. It is cold in the house as my mother doesn’t want to turn on the heat. So I have been in my bed under the blankets and in a hoodie for most of the day, playing my game. I had no motivation to do anything. I have been waiting for my therapist to tell me there is a time available to talk today but I don’t think that is going to happen. So I am hoping for another check in before the weekend.

My father canceled his doctor’s appointment for today which is one reason I stayed in the house. It is shitty out so I don’t blame him. I really don’t want to leave the house myself. But this is my second day of being in the house and I am kind of going stir crazy. My mother has spent her time well, cleaning her room. I should do the same but I wouldn’t know what to tackle first so give up.

I got a call today from a rehab place to set up an appointment with a new doctor for my ankle issue. Thing is, I don’t want to see another damn doctor for the same problem. I know they are only going to be able to offer me cortisone shots and I don’t want that because I believe (and there has been research on this) it weakens the joint. I already don’t have normal sensation so I don’t want to weaken an already weakened spot on my body. I don’t care how much they push it, it isn’t happening. Then when I say no, they want nothing to do with me. So long, see you later, have a nice day. I also feel like I shouldn’t be wasting a copay on this nonsense.

I really am tired of the doctor game. I am happy with my current regimen, even though I am in more pain lately. But I think that has to do with the weather changing than something being wrong with my ankle. And of course, being depressed doesn’t help. If I could be dead tomorrow, I would welcome it. But I am not actively suicidal. My pain has been minimal today, despite it being cold in the house. I have not really left my room that much today other than the usual stuff so I haven’t used the stairs that much. I just wish I could make my feet warm. Even though they are under the blankets they are cold.

I had no desire to work on anything related to books. I don’t know what is going to motivate me. I just keep procrastinating and I know that isn’t good. I would like to get it done but maybe I will start next year after I write notes or something to get started. I never been a coauthor so I am not sure what that entails. My short story book has been left by the way side since August. I haven’t worked on that in a long time. I don’t think it will sell that much anyway unless I get an agent or something.

I am really tired and feel like I should nap but I told my sister I would watch my niece and it’s getting close to that time. I really am not up for it but her house is heated so I might just go. I still have the AC in my window which isn’t helping to keep the cold out of my room. But then it has been rainy the past few days so I can’t take it out now. Maybe next week.

having a crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a crappy day

I was up for almost 20 hours yesterday. I just could not go to sleep. Then I wake up around 0630 so I got 5.5 hours of sleep. Lovely. I had my normal bathroom movements, except this one really hurt me. Sometimes if the stool is hard it aggravates a nerve and I am in pain for hours. So to avoid that I thought I would take some nerve pain medicine and hopefully it would make me sleepy enough to go back to sleep. It did. Though I woke up with a vicious cramp in my foot. It’s raining today so I decided not to go out and asked my mother to pick up my prescription. She did so now I don’t have to worry about it for another month.

When I got up I decided to play my games. No big deal. I felt like I had gas so I let loose. BIG mistake. It was all fucking stool. I couldn’t believe it and I am still shocked and upset about it. Luckily, it didn’t go through my pants and onto my sheets because I would have been devastated. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I shit some more while I was trying to clean myself. This is the third day that I have pooped my pants and I am very upset about it. I would tell my doctors but they wouldn’t understand. I decided to shower after I cleaned myself the best I could. Then I had a decision to make about my underwear. They were full of crap and I really didn’t want to wash them but I did. My first thought was to throw them out but I was afraid that the smell might arouse suspicion and I didn’t want to get caught with literally dirty underwear. Oh the joys of CES. I took a shower after washing my clothes in the sink. Shower felt nice and I was able to fully wash everything and get the shit off me.

For the rest of the day, I have been terrified of farting. I get gas regularly and the pain that builds up if I don’t let loose kills me. I don’t know what I am going to do going forward. I wrote to my group about it and there is a guy that uses protection so I am going to find out what that is so I can use it too. I can’t be too careful when it comes to the bowels. I have gotten used to leaking but I still have not gotten used to crapping myself. It takes a little bit of my self esteem every time I have an accident.

My day was shot after this as I didn’t want to risk losing my bowels in public. Part of the reason I was still home was because my foot cramped up just prior to my waking up around 11. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today. But it just wasn’t in the works after my pooping incident. Thankfully, my therapist called me within a half hour of this happening or who knows what I would have done to myself. I really was contemplating drinking gin until I passed out. Turns out I didn’t need the gin after all as I was able to go back to sleep around 2. I needed the rest as the whole experience just wiped me out. I am so glad my mother wasn’t home. It would have been horrible for her to see me like this.

I made a lot of online purchases today and paid my bills. Now I am broke until my next monthly paycheck. But the stuff I purchased online was stuff that I needed, like diapers and batteries, and my cereal. You can’t go wrong with less than 4 dollars for a box of shredded wheat. I know that the grocery story sells it for at least 5 bucks or more for the big box. I also got a couple of new books. Those will be my writing rewards for when I actually write for my book again.

My father canceled his cardiology appointment for tomorrow. I have to be the asshole to actually call the office and tell them he won’t be coming in. So all the stressing over my therapist’s time was for nothing. I texted her asking her if the time was still available to call me. 10 bucks says she no longer has it available.