Category: depression

Tired, again, and out of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Tired, again and out of sorts

I had a rough time sleeping last night. I think I finally gave in sometime around 0200. I was just so alert and hyper that I just couldn’t sleep. I read a little of the civil war book and that seemed to calm me down enough for the meds to work. I really thought I was going to be up all night. I slept for about 2 hours before I got up again. Then fell asleep for another few hours. I made breakfast and then went back to sleep. I woke up around 1400. I feel rested but I could go back to sleep easily.

I haven’t done anything today. I wanted to do some edits but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Maybe later tonight when my brain has some more power to it than it does right now. I am glad I didn’t have a second cup of coffee yesterday. I know I would have been up all night.

Right now I am feeling ok, neither happy nor sad. It was supposed to rain till 11 to today but it is still raining out. So I am not going out. I will try and go out tomorrow, provided there is no snow on the ground.

I am past my goal of reading the Civil War book so I plan on starting the Dostoevsky book soon. I read it before and I enjoyed it. And this time there won’t be any pressure to read it because I am not in class anymore. I am excited to read this one because it is my favorite book to read. And it is the first fiction book that I have read since Harry Potter. I have bought a sci-fi thriller called “Lethal Code” by Thomas Waite. I plan on reading that after the “Idiot”.

My ankle is hurting today, probably because of the rain. I haven’t taken anything for it yet. I am hoping it will go away on its own.

I feel like having popcorn. That might be my supper. I am not in the mood to have anything else. My sister invited me out to eat but I haven’t showered or even gotten dressed so I told her thank but no thanks. She told me what we were doing for my father’s birthday next week. We will be going to one of his favorite restaurants by his house. I like this place. I can get my cheeseburger BLT sandwich! Their fries are awesome too. I just hope I have the appetite as it has been either feast or famine lately. There have been no in betweens.

Back to Being Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to being depressed

The hypomanic stuff has finally worked its way out of my system. They don’t last too long. I was lucky to have it for as long as I did. I miss it already. But I am still being productive. I saw my psychiatrist today. She looks good and I think she was happy to see me. It is much better meeting in person than talking via email! She gave me the run down on her issues. She isn’t back full time yet, just working three days a week. I forgot to ask her about her pager so I sent her an email. I haven’t heard back yet. I gave her the run down of how the last few days have been and asked if I am managing it ok. It was so difficult without talking to her first. But she said I kept her in the loop and that I managed okay. I still am struggling and I asked her if this was to continue. She just said “we’ll see”. It’s not that often that I have a hypomanic episode. I get one every few years, though this is my second one since being on the remeron. While I was in the hospital in August, and a few days of starting the remeron, I had great euphoria, the complete opposite of what I came in for (being suicidal). It only lasted about 18 hours. This time it lasted a little bit longer than that. I am just waiting for the big crash. I know that is coming, I just don’t know when.

Today was colder than it has been all week. Tomorrow is supposed to be raining so I don’t think I will be going out. I have been out almost every day this week, only exception being Monday when I was in sleep/depression land. I picked up my niece today, which I think is the straw that is going to break the camel’s back. My calves are killing me. Between my house and her school, there are a lot of little hills. It took a lot out of me and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. But I don’t mind because I am not planning on going out. Only reason I might go out is to get my prescription I dropped off at the pharmacy. I still have enough pills to get me through the weekend so if I don’t go tomorrow, I can certainly go Sunday.

My new Bluetooth headphones came today. They are much more comfortable than the other pair that I had. Next week I will test them out while walking. My old pair didn’t do too well but then they are nearly 5 years old. I hope the mic works well. I haven’t tried it out yet. The only thing that sucks about this headset is that you need a laptop to charge it. Not really going to be useful while I am in the hospital, if I should happen to get admitted again.

I am preparing myself for getting a new phone in the upcoming months. I bought a micro 64GB card and an otterbox. Both items were on sale so I didn’t feel bad buying them. And the cool thing about the 64GB is that I can also use it as a USB drive. I am going to get the Galaxy S5. But I am going to wait until the S6 comes out to Sprint before buying it because I would hate to pay $200 when I could pay half that or less. I am due an upgrade as it has been more than two years since my last one. I just don’t know if I want to spend $200 on a phone that is likely to become “old” in 6 months. My phone still works but lately it has been freezing and I have had to shut it down a few times to get it working right again. I just hope that all my songs I can transfer without a “licensing” issue. It will really suck to have to either buy the songs again or not be able to download it through Amazon’s MP3 player. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

Since yesterday, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy go lucky, then next I want to kill myself. It has been alternating like this for the past 24 hours. I don’t think I will act on my feelings, only because they have been changing so rapidly and usually distraction helps. My therapist has been keeping an eye on me. I don’t see her until next week but I am to keep in touch with her. The weather has flipped to the 50’s and 60’s for the first time all winter so I think that is part of the reason why my mood has shifted. I have been feeling restless so I need to keep moving. Being on the computer only keeps my attention only for so long and then I need to move on. Playing my game is not good for me because it requires more attention and time to play. I just don’t have the patience to go through every mission and collect the stuff I need, right now.

I got my haircut today so I am feeling fresh and clean. I am really happy with this cut. After the haircut, I caught the bus to the square to get my coffee. The downside was that I needed a pair of headphones so I bought myself one. I don’t know where this money is coming from but as long as things don’t bounce, I am good. Last night I almost bought a new phone because of my impulsivity is up. But I didn’t. I bought a membership to the AAS instead. That will be good for a year. I was tempted to buy alcohol today but I really shouldn’t be drinking in my state. It might have dire consequences, especially since I have been alternating being suicidal. Luckily the downside of things hasn’t lasted long. I just don’t know why I am so upbeat. I don’t feel out of control but I feel super. I also have been feeling paranoid. Today while walking to the bus stop, I was really on edge. I was hoping I would miss the mentally disabled guy that hangs around the bus stop. I didn’t and I was really uncomfortable. He makes me so nervous because he is so rude and just expects people to give him money for the bus. One of the high school kids gave him three dollars, which was good. He wasn’t asking people but then a disabled woman came off and he asked her for money. I was like WTF. He ate a banana and left the skin on one of the seats. He then sat on it as he moved over so the disabled woman could sit down. I just wanted off the bus. I was so close to getting off my stop when the stop before mine, a mother and daughter got on. They kept on asking the bus driver questions about how to get to where they were going and I was getting more annoyed. It was not good. I really was getting heated. I just wanted off the damn bus. I know my irritability is because of my mood state but just pay your fare and sit the fuck down! Man, I was so annoyed.

I am having all the classic symptoms of hypomania, with the exception of grandiosity. I just feel really good! I am feeling little pain, though I think I overdid it with walking today and then taking a shower. My foot/ankle are not happy with me right now. I am glad I am seeing my pdoc on Friday so we can sort this out. I hope I am still in good moods when I see her. It will really suck to see her when I am in a low mood. I will be emailing her to let her know what is going on so I cover everything. Just to keep her in the loop. So weird that Sunday and Monday I was sleeping all day and Tuesday and today I am high. I still have low appetite that I am eating. I just don’t have any interest in eating if food is not in front of me. My mother made pork chops for dinner tonight and I ate half of it before I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I ate the rest of it just so she wouldn’t think anything is wrong. But now I feel so sick, it’s not funny.

Just emailed my pdoc about the change of symptoms so she knows what is going on and I don’t have to send her this blog post. I will send it to my therapist just so she knows how hyper I am.

I got Luke Bryan’s new music. I fucking love him. If I was straight or liked guys, he would be at the top of my list of men. But I am not, I just admire him and his music. He is a cutie though.

Think I am going to try and finish reading this mammoth book on the civil war so I can then move on to Doestoevsky’s “The Idiot”. My goal is to hopefully finish it by the end of this week. That is close to 200 pages. Wish me luck!!

A Productive Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

A Productive Day

For the first time all year, I was able to shower, get dressed, and go out. I went to Starbucks, had my coffee, and edited one of my blogs that I hope to put in my short story book. I then picked up my niece and to my surprise, I wasn’t fatigued, horribly, when I got home. My ankle was aching but it was not killing me. I feel pretty good about this. It remains to be seen whether I will have pain later tonight.

I had a bit of a scare today. When I came to my room to work on my blog, I found that WordPress was down. I still cannot load it on IE (internet Explorer) but it loads on my phone so that is good. And I can get the operational aspect of the blog working in Chrome, so I am hoping this post posts without difficulty.

I got new music today from Luke Bryan. I really shouldn’t have, but I love Luke and his music. I also am planning on trying to finish this Civil War book sometime in the next week or so. I am up to page 700 and have about 100 or so pages to finish it. I am not going to read the afterword or Epilogue. I am just going to read the chapters of the book and that is all. Then I am going to start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. I am going to take a break from history for a while after this Civil War book. It has been so tedious. I was thinking about writing a review for it but someone already wrote what I was thinking! Great minds think alike.

I am glad I got to edit one of my blogs that I am putting in my new book. Now I just have to enter the edits. It shouldn’t take long. I just have one line that I need to rewrite. I highlighted to have me thinking about rewording it. It definitely needs some work, so I will try and work on it sometime this week.

I hope this productivity that I am feeling lasts. The last few days had sucked because I could barely get myself out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep and today I was able to do things. I am not manic or even hypomanic but I am feeling good. I still feel sort of depressed, though. At least twice today, I have thought about killing myself or just wondering what it would be like not to be alive anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s now 2000 and I am not tired or sleepy like I have been in the past. I had a coffee today rather than an espresso drink. I am feeling wired. Maybe I am in a mixed state, but without the agitation.

I was able to get my recycles and a box out of my room. I hope to get another box out of my room tomorrow. I think that will help ease some of the clutter in my room. I can’t do anything about the clothes in my room. I have no where to put them so they will have to stay where they are.

Last night I was so depressed, I couldn’t bring myself to print out my blogs and the short story I just finished. Every time I thought about getting out of bed to put the paper in the printer, plug in the printer to my laptop, just wore me out just thinking about it. This morning, I had more energy so was able to print off the stuff I needed to. It didn’t seem like a chore like it was last night.

Last night I was in a very depressed mood. If I had a place to hang myself in my room, I probably would have gone through with it. I was in such a nasty depressed/suicidal mood. And today it is like night and day. I am feeling good but in a down sort of way. I don’t know what causes me to feel so bad at times. My appetite is still down. All I had to eat today was a sandwich at Starbucks. I am not really hungry for anything, though I am thinking about the jelly donut my brother-in-law gave me. I was going to have that in the morning but it might be my supper. But if I do eat, I think I will have a protein bar. I think that will be a better idea than a jelly donut. I just don’t feel hungry and food is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather contemplate killing myself than eat something. I don’t know. It’s not like I have lost weight. My pants still fit me the same. I never lose weight like I used to. I think if I was more active, I might be able to lose more weight. But with a bum ankle, being active is difficult.

I don’t know why I feel really good today. I don’t even feel tired. I feel kind of like on cloud nine but I haven’t taken anything to make me feel this way. I hope this lasts. If I feel down tomorrow, I might be cycling, which is not good. Being bipolar sucks. You never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.