Category: depression

Don’t know how I feel

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychosis

Don’t know how I feel

I don’t know how I feel. I just woke up two hours ago. I just couldn’t wake up. I kept on having strange dreams. Nothing scary, just weird. I wish I could remember them but they have escape my mind. I am still feeling pretty tired and want to order pizza for dinner. But I just had lunch and right now I just want to eat ice cream. I hate when I sleep so late in the day. I guess I needed the sleep as this week has been awful but still. It sucks.

I just took the daily mood questionnaire thing that I am participating in. I guess walking from my room to the kitchen and back equals 1 minute of walking time. I don’t know why I bother with this. It’s not like my answers change daily. They mostly stay the same, unless I am having a bad day. I really don’t care anymore about my the damn data points. I should uninstall the app but I will give it a little more time. I forget which Twitter buddy sent me the link. If I find it, I will share it here in case you are interested in participating.

I have been playing my game, though I don’t know what is the point. The game shuts down in a month. I guess just to finish up what I am doing as much as possible. The crops that used to be for horseshoes are now for coins, so that helps. I hope I can get a few missions completed in a month.

I still feel like maybe I should be in the hospital. It’s not that I feel like harming myself, I just don’t feel safe. I still feel pretty paranoid, like I am always being watched and I can’t shake it. My psychiatrist has given the ok to take the trilafon as needed, but she prefers that I don’t use it. But I sort of need a PRN to help with this stuff even though it causes me to feel nothing. I kind of feel like I am a piece of stone while taking it. My thoughts are a little bit more clearer when I take it though right now, everything seems fuzzy. I still think that if I wear my headphones, thoughts will get implanted in my head. So I haven’t been wearing them. As long as my phone plays the music through its speaker, I will be ok, I think.

I read more about my cousin’s boyfriend, or should I say, fiancé. He was a really good kid, though I am not surprised. It’s always the good ones that get taken early. He apparently fell 60 feet while snowboarding. He succumbed to his injuries five days after the fall. He was 23 not 24. I feel so bad. Wake is tomorrow and I have decided I am not going to go. I feel bad and everything but I really can’t handle grief right now. Call me selfish, but I need to think of my own suffering right now. Besides, being in a room full of grieving people might set off my already increasing paranoia. I have always been sensitive to others but their grief might set me off the edge.

I feel depressed but I don’t know why. It could be because of the sadness I feel for my cousin. I don’t know her very well. She is my Uncle’s daughter. I probably would have known her better if they didn’t move to another state close by. I really love my uncle. He is the one that is not really a jerk or an asshole. He is a very good guy and a hard worker that always is there when you need him. Unlike my mother’s other brothers. I know this will pass but it just sucks right now. My sister feels so bad that she keeps thinking about it. It really is a just a tragic thing to go through.

I often why I am fixated on Allah. He isn’t really my “god”, though if all gods are the same, then I guess he could be my god. I don’t really believe in a god. I believe there is a higher Providence or Power that rules things. I used to believe in the three spirits but all that was shaken when my family broke up. See, my priest at the time, said that if you go to church for a year, things will change. I went faithfully for almost a year, sometimes twice a week I went. And then when that year was almost to a close, I was suicidal and my family was apart. Some change. I blamed God for this and that priest. Oh, how I hated him. I don’t even remember his name, now. I never knew about Allah, or any other religion, until I was an adult. I grew up Catholic so I naively thought everyone was Catholic. I didn’t know there was Protestants, Jewish people, etc. Everyone I knew was Catholic and we all went to the same church, or one like it. I don’t really know the exact moment I heard about Allah. Maybe while I was reading the History of God, though in the book, he was called Mohammad. The book was very dense and didn’t offer too much breathing room. I never finished it because I just couldn’t get through it. But I guess, I learned about Allah when Muslims started entering the US and I wanted to learn more about them. I don’t believe that ISIS are Muslims like they say they are. They are aliens that want to kill and control people. Because why would these people kill their own kind? Doesn’t make sense. From what I have learned, Allah is a peaceful god that wants peace in the world. Why he wants to control me, I have no idea. It is what I believe. He isn’t being too vocal. Meds are keeping him quiet at the moment. I hope he stays quiet.

too dangerous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, depression, psychosis

I have been battling the voices and the delusions all day. It’s like a pounding headache that won’t quit despite taking medication for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone in my struggle. I know my family won’t understand. And most of the psych professionals don’t really know how to deal with psychosis. I am so depressed about it. I felt like emailing my psychiatrist telling her I would go to the ER but what for? What can they do that I haven’t done already. I have taken trilafon and Ativan to try and sleep today. It helped somewhat but I had weird dreams. I feel transparent, like people can see right through me, almost like I am a ghost. It is a weird feeling.

I have been trying to read to let my mind wander a bit, but it has been difficult. I rather sleep. I have been taking my meds earlier than I usually take them. I don’t know if it is doing me any good. My sleep has been the same and then I have to wake up in the wee hours to pee. I sometimes stay up for a bit until I can go back to sleep. I then sleep for a few hours before I have to pee again and then I am usually up for the day. Today I am just too tired to fight. So I am resting.

I was doing good pain wise for the last few days. Until this morning. My foot decided it was going to ache more than I can handle right now. So I took a pain pill, which only added to my drowsiness. I don’t understand why my pain has been less since I have been a little bit more active lately. Frankly, I don’t care because I know there will be a day I don’t do anything and my foot will flare up. So if it wants to lay low while I do stuff, that is fine with me. Monday I have to request my pain medication. I think I will go and pick it up rather than have it mailed to me. Last time it was cutting close to my refill date.

You would think that because I have been in less pain, I would be doing well mentally. But I so believe that that Goa’uld are going to be invading us. It is only a matter of time before ISIS gets a stronghold and really become a threat. I don’t know how much of my imagination is real or not but I believe this whole heartedly. ISIS is being controlled by aliens that want to conquer the human race. I don’t even know what “ISIS” stands for. Nor do I care. It’s too bad that the Goa’uld are registered with the Stargate franchise. Otherwise, I could have written a story about this. But I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s bad enough I am being watched 24/7. I know there are bugs in my room trying to get information from me. I play music most of the time to distract the bugs. I play it somewhat loud. My mother is deaf so I don’t have to worry about disturbing her. They want to record the conversations I have with the voices. So I have been silent and it is killing me. I like talking with the voices. But it’s too dangerous.

I was listening with headphones to music from the laptop. It is Bluetooth so I don’t have to stay in one place. It was nice until the music started planting thoughts in my head. The lyrics, even though I was hearing them correctly, somehow had a hidden message that I had to decipher. Every song was like this. I had to stop listening through the headphones. I was getting convinced the headphones were tapped.

Sunday is my father’s birthday party. I have to find out if it is still on because of the wake information. I read the goodbye notes my cousins left for her boyfriend. I started bawling. He was 23. Died way too young. My cousin was in love with him since she was 17. That is a long time to love someone. I still don’t know how old my cousin is. She is younger than I am and I know she is in her twenties. I think she just passed her 21st birthday not that long ago so I am guessing she is around his age. It just is so sad.

Hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

To live without Hope is to Cease to live. Fyodor Dostoevsky

I am having a rough day. I don’t know why I feel like my heart has been shattered but I do. Nothing or no one has said anything negative to me to make feel this way. I came home from my father’s doctor’s appointment, made lunch, made a few calls, and then wham, heartache struck. I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel completely hopeless. I want to take a nap but I fear that if I do, I will fuck up my sleep schedule. I already had a rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times during the night. I think the anxiety of sleeping through my alarm kept me up.

Other than my father, I really didn’t have interaction with people. Sure maybe the cashier who took my order for my coffee at Starbucks but that was about it. The doctor’s appointment went well, nothing bad happened or was said. My bastard father just need to lie down when he swells up. The cause of the swelling is a little bit more complicated and I don’t wish to discuss it. But it is not the cause of my misery. I just feel really downhearted. It’s like all the air went out of my balloon.

I finished the long, drawn out Civil War book last night, much to my relief. I haven’t started any new book yet. I really want to start “the Idiot” but the print is really small and might give me a headache, even with my glasses on. I am so fed up with my eyesight being poor. And what is weighing on my mind is that I need to see my eye doc for a check up. Think I am going to do it next month, while I still have the insurance. Then I will worry about how to get new glasses later. It is going to be a struggle as glasses don’t come cheap. I also want to get a pair of prescription sunglasses so I don’t have to pay for transition lenses. I love transitions but they cost as much as prescription glasses. And I am in the house mostly so I am very rarely using them except when I go out. Just another expense that is weighing on my mind.

I sold another book today. I should be excited but with this hopelessness that has come over me, I am like “whatever”. I wanted to work on my book today but nothing is inspiring me to write. I just keep thinking about ending my life. I also keep thinking about my friend’s fiancé. He is going through some terrible grief and I think that is what is keeping me from going through with ending my life. I certainly do not want to cause someone that much pain. My friend killed himself in January. I don’t know the circumstances. Not that it matters. He is dead and his lover is in pain. He has to go on living without him and he doesn’t know how.

I read a disturbing one liner while scrolling through Facebook that said “Allah is your one God”. For some reason it made me think of StarGate and how the G’ould think they are gods and rule through alien powers. I don’t know if this is my delusional thinking going on, but could the people of Islam be ruled by alien powers thinking their god is their one true god? In one episode of StarGate, they had Seth, a G’ould, create cults that ended up killing themselves when the G’ould needed a new host. It was interested because this alien was so imbedded into the human religion factor that nobody really questioned that he was truly an alien. But then, I am a sci-fi guy. Things like this interest me and I hold them as truths unless proven otherwise.

Sometime next week after I get paid, I plan on making malt chocolate chip cookies. I just have to get the butter and the malt. You think it would be easy finding it on PeaPod but it’s not. And when I did find it, a 12 oz can was nearly $5! Shit is expensive but I am hoping they have a stop and shop brand that I can use. I just need a fricken ½ cup of the stuff. I might throw in some oatmeal by substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. It called for 2 cups of flour so I will just put in 1 and ½. I really love baking cookies. Only thing I don’t like is the clean up. That is the part that sucks!

Random 376

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

I was on a BPD chat tonight and the topic was “tell your story or re-author it”, something to that effect. It was going well until someone brought up comfort zones. I said that my therapist gets uncomfortable when I bring up my suicidal thoughts and feelings. This person replied “well there are rules for that”. That is not the same thing. You can’t all be talking about daisies and puppies in therapy. Sometimes you need to have a therapist listen to the hard stuff that is making you want to kill yourself and if that is not part of the comfort zone, then what is?? I had to leave the chat because I got so pissed off. I don’t really know why it bothered me so much. Probably because I am so tired of therapists having their comfort zone EXCLUDE suicide talk. Then things get real.

I didn’t do any promoting. No one was apparently interested that I wrote a book. It is weighing on me though. Because I am basing the sales of this book to my next. But it is going to be a while before I can come up with 150-200 pages of stuff. I edited today a blog I wanted to use. It is 3 pages long. So I tossed it. I am not going to use it because I can’t expand upon it. I have been tinkering with the possibility of writing a piece on being a suicide attempt survivor and what that means. I have written three articles in my blogs about it. I can combine all three and then go from there, or I can start fresh. It’s still up in the air. I don’t have a timeline to work on these things. It’s just whenever they come to me.

I took down one of the pages of my blog. I removed “why I blog”. I figured “what my blog is about” will be more fitting. I wanted to change things up a bit.

I got a month before I know if I won the AAS writing contest. I probably won’t win. I wrote pretty depressing stuff that wasn’t too hopeful. Just like my book. All I need to sell is 15 more copies and I will have met my goal of 100 books sold in a year. But I don’t think it is going to happen. I only sold 3 books this month. I need 12 more to make my goal. I have been promoting like crazy but no bites. An author gave a website today to promote an indie book. I am going to try and see if I can have my book on their website. It’s worth a shot.

Ankle is killing me today. I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I also took a walk to the drug store to get my meds and a birthday card for my idiotic father. His birthday is next week. If I don’t give him anything, he is like a child and has a tantrum. Fucking ridiculous. I hate buying cards because I think they are just a waste of money. You pay for it, the person reads it, and then where does it end up? In the trash! So my money is now waste. Just don’t know why I bother sometimes.

I have been feeling depressed today. It really was an effort just to get out of bed. I had a rough time sleeping as I had weird dreams and my med app reminder kept going off. By the time I was awake enough to take my meds, it was 0400! OOPS. I just took my hormone pill as that is what I really need to take. I just hope it doesn’t mess things up. Will have to wait and see at this point. I didn’t bother taking my other meds because it was so early in the morning. I would have slept all day. I took a snooze, or what was supposed to be a snooze, around 1900 and I guess I just fell into a deep sleep. I am surprised I still had battery on my phone because I wasn’t charging it.

I have been craving salty and sweet things all day. Mostly, I have been craving bacon. But I just don’t want the clean up. My friend suggested that I cook it in the oven but I don’t know how that will be as I never made it that way before. And besides, I just want a few slices, not the whole package. I think it tastes better fried than baked anyways.